Feeling lost.


The picture describes what I feel like.
I just don’t belong here, I never did. This place never was home. When I was younger, we moved a couple times and I never felt home anywhere, but I thought I just hadn’t found the right place yet. Now I know. 
This country was never my home. I’ve always hated it here. I hate the people in Germany, the food, the language, the so called culture, the landscape, cities, events, school, system, everything! This is just not my home. It’s the United States, they always have been where I belonged and will always be. When I was younger, everyone was like ‘yeah, she’s just a kid, of course she thinks it’s cooler there’, but I still feel like that. I don’t tell the people. They wouldn’t understand. How could they? It’s just another damn country. It doesn’t make sense how I feel, but for some reason every second I spend here hurts like hell. Thinking about this place makes me want to cry, scream and shout, feel anger, pain, sadness, everything. I just wanna let all the bad things back inside because they’re all here. In this place. WHY? WHERE IS THE BIG DIFFERENCE? I’m crying and screaming right now because I just can’t take it anymore. And I can’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. It’s stupid. They’d think ‘yeah, she prefers it there, but where’s the problem’. But there is a problem. I just don’t know what or why it is. But it’s inside of me and it hurts like hell. Have you ever felt endless hate? 24 hours/ day? Have you? After some time, it makes you breakdown and turns into pain. Endless pain. It won’t stop as long as I’m here and I can’t get out of here either. What is wrong with me? Why is it so horrible for me to be here? It’s just a damn country! I don’t expect a response from anyone reading this. No one can understand it. Not even I can. I just wanna tear apart everything right now. I’m so angry, I can’t take it. I just can’t. This place is hell and I can’t escape. It’s so weird, you know. Everyone I love is here now, but still every second is a torture. What do I hate so much about this place? What is it? And what am I supposed to do about it? I don’t wanna be here, but I can’t leave!