ED: “It’s your own fault.”

I hate it when people say that.
The people say it all the time and whenever they do, I just wanna scream it’s bullshit and that they don’t have a clue. Does someone choose an eating disorder?
Of course, one day I thought like ‘hey, anorexia is cool, let’s do that!’.
There are many reasons, but no one buys the new Vogue and thinks ‘damn, she’s so thin! I wanna go farther and starve myself to death.’
In anorexia, you do choose diets and weight loss, but not becoming a skeleton and being so thin that you break down on a run. Nobody wants that. A mental disorder is never the victim’s fault. You can’t just stop and turn it off.
Someone with cancer also doesn’t say ‘hey, let’s take a break’ because it’s not possible. We know it’s slow suicide and don’t want it, but you become addicted to these feelings you have when the stomach is empty. Of course we can all be blamed somewhere- the self harmer buys the blades, the guy with lung cancer the cigarettes and the bulimic pounds of chocolate, but do they do it because they ‘want to’?
No. You just can’t stop because it takes control. You don’t wanna ruin yourself, but you no longer have the power. It’s this quiet voice in the head that makes you keep going and makes you believe it’s stronger than you- and it’s the one to kill you in the end.
You know it and feel it every day, but you don’t have to power to stand up against it.
Why? Why do you believe this voice it’s stronger than you are?

90's, babydoll, and Courtney Love image

In the mind of the eating disorder

A therapist once told me: “You know, it’s kind of wondrous. Others try to lose weight over and over again, but can’t, and you? You just set your goal and do it. Where do you think is the reason? Where is the difference between you and the others, besides the eating disorder?”
At first I was really stunned and even taken by surprise. What did he want to tell me with that? That I was not a completely hopeless case and had at least enough discipline to starve myself by choice? Yeah, that must be true strength. Therapists like him are also the ones who like to ask you (the girl with the ED) during a therapy session that they are planning on losing some weight for the upcoming bikini season. 
Well, back to the topic. Why can some people lose so much weight so easily and others just can’t even after a hundred tries? And why do so many of them have eating disorders? There must be something about it. Some good anorexia tips. Who likes to change his lifestyle, eat healthy and work out? Crash diets and starvation are so much more effective!
Well… The thing is, anorexia and weight loss success don’t have much to do with discipline and willpower. It’s more about the motive (Latin motus = motion, driving). Most of the anorexic girls and women don’t actually want the perfect bikini body the media wants them to have. The motive has a much higher priority. It’s about control, power and the own ideals. But also about fear, austerity and perfectionism. And a lot of other (often unconscious) things like a missing self esteem. 
But whatever the motive is, the more priority it’s given, the bigger chance the person has to reach the goals. 
We don’t need motivation from the outside, no compliments or insults to strengthen the inner motivation. Who gets demotivated too fast, has too high goals or unrealistic expectations. We don’t consider bad days as relapses. We’re still on the way to the same goal. Every day, good or bad, leads us to where we want to be. And we know we’ll make it. There is no other option, there mustn’t be. Because otherwise we could lose much more than just a damn dress size…