I’ll be a mommy!

Yep, I made a decision because otherwise my doctor would have arranged an appointment for the abortion. My mom and the father of my child are both against keeping the child and would prefer an abortion cuz I’m too young and too sick and bla and of course they’re right, but also I consider this pregnancy as a new chance for a new life. For me it’s the biggest motivation to recover I’ll ever get. I think this is the chance for me to change everything and start new and give my life a meaning.

And I don’t give a shit about the people who refuse to support me. I never had a father, so I’ll also make it without a mother even though it’s a sad thing. And I know my boyfriend will stay with me and support me as much as he can. Yeah, he doesn’t want this child, but it’s his too and he knows that and he won’t run away from this responsibility. (He wouldn’t have a chance to anyway) We’ll get a small apartment together short before the birth date (we got a lot of time until them- I’m only in the forth week) and I’ll stay at home for about a year for the baby while he’ll only take a break from work for a few weeks and then go back to work during the day.
We won’t have much money, but thanks to the state we live in, enough to live until the kid is old enough to go to a day care center before noon while I’ll finish high school. And I’ll get us a dog. I can’t live without pets and my mom took them.
Nope, it will never be easy, but has my life ever been that?
Nope, it hasn’t. I’ve survived so much shit, this will be like a nap compared to the past.
Of course I’m not a hopeless romantic and I know my boyfriend may leave me if it’s gonna me too much for him even though I don’t expect something so asshole-like from him, but then I’ll make it on my own. It’s my child and I’ll give anything for it.
And my boyfriend will support us because after everything that we’ve been through he owes me (or us) that. Even if he’ll only pay money. His decision. I won’t force him.
But no matter what’s gonna happen, I will never ever leave this child alone. 
I’m the mother and I’ll go through hell to give the child the best it deserves.
There is even a risk it may be disabled because I took fluoxetine and quetiapine during the first three weeks of this pregnancy, but I don’t care. All I can do is hope it will be born well and healthy and I’ll give him the life he or she deserves.
Mothers never leave their kids alone.
I’ll never give up on Jamie, no matter what it takes.
(Yeah, Jamie, I always wanted to name my kid this name and no one can stop me from fulfilling this plan)
I know the youth welfare office won’t support me and will give anything to stop me and place us into some fucking stupid institution for mothers and their kids because they can’t take care of them on their own, but I’ll never move into such a stupid setup.
I know I’m not even an adult yet and have mental disorders, but I’ll be the best fucking mom ever. 
And you can all go to hell.


I’m pregnant.

Looks like the day-after pill is not THAT safe. Now I have a problem. What am I gonna do? I don’t want to have an abortion, but I can’t have a baby either. I’m not ready for it. I’m not strong enough. Not good enough. Not yet. And to make it even worse: to have an arbotion, they’ll have to take off a blood sample and during the operation, I’ll get infusions through needles and the thing is: I have a phobia of all kinds of needles in my veins. Not an anxiety. A fucking phobia.

What the hell am I supposed to do?