Struggling to eat

Tomorrow I’ll be in the third month of my pregnancy and I feel fatter than ever before in my whole life. I’m tired, hungry and sick all the time and that’s driving me literally crazy. My belly has already gotten so enormous in my opinion and I can’t stand that. It’s so hard to eat right now. I wanted this summer to be a thin one. I wanted to go back to the state when everyone could clearly see my ribs and I had a lil thigh gap. But now I’ll be the fattest one ever in July. This is so awful. You know, the thing is, I don’t wanna sound like I don’t want my child. I’m really looking forward to having my baby. I’ve never felt happier about something than becoming a mother. I’ll be luckier than ever with my kid. I just wanna skip the pregnancy because that’s killing me. I mean like, if I could say I’m already almost done and there won’t be much time left I think it would be easier, but I still have about six months to go which is half a year. That’s like a lifetime. I mean, I really don’t wanna sound ungrateful… It’s an amazing feeling to have this life growing inside of the own belly and if that was all that’s happening inside of me, I’d be fine, but the problem is that I’m not just growing a baby belly. There’s also a lot of fat. No mother is as skinny as she was before the pregnancy when her child is born, that’s just an illusion created by TV. You don’t just gain a baby, you also gain baby fat and that’s what scared the hell out of me. I don’t wanna gain weight, I wanna lose it! I mean, I can still do that in 2016, but that’s still such a long time to live with… Being fat. I will definitely lose a lot of weight again next year, but without starvation, binging or purging, but I don’t wanna have to wait until then… Can I just skip the stupid pregnancy or at least the weight gain? Can I just have a baby and no unnecessary fat? Please? Damn. I’ll be the happiest mom ever once my baby is born, but I don’t wanna wait until the end of November or the beginning of December (they didn’t calculate the exact date yet)! By the way, I’m hungry again. And feel sick at the same time. My body is spinning like shit right now. Dear baby, can you just keep calm in there and stop creating such a mess inside of me? It’s really hard for me to keep going right now and eat because every time something touches my lips, I get scared and think about throwing it away and starving for the rest of the day. Which I can’t do because the baby’s health is way more important than my stupid disorders and what they want me to do.