Shit week

The week is almost over my so I think it’s time to consider the results of it. The bottom line is that this week is one of the worst ones I’ve had in at least a year. Every single day went wrong. Like, seriously. Can’t believe it? Well, let’s prove you wrong. Monday: always horrible. Tuesday: even worse. Wednesday: some ugly stupid whore took my spot in the train and I had to stand for almost twenty minutes- and I’m nine months pregnant. Thursday: I had such an incredibly awful school day and even worse headaches and couldn’t even go to my afternoon appointment. Friday: that day was the first one to start off really good when I finally wrote a good test and my class was so damn sweet when they threw a little farewell party for me (I’m leaving the school until the end of February because of my maternity protection) and THEN I came a cropper, how my grams would say it. Normal people would say I fell badly. There actually is a hole in my knee now where a little pebble got stuck when I kissed the duff. Well, at least the baby didn’t get hurt.
But the week wasn’t done after Friday. My aunt and my uncle (not the biological ones) came here for a nice Halloween dinner and a good horror movie afterwards. But if it would have worked that way, I wouldn’t have to tell you about it. As you may know, I currently live in Germany and there are many refugees right now because of great poverty, economy problems, wars and dictatorships in several countries. Unlike most European governments who don’t seem to give a shit about the people suffering from these issues, Germany helps by hosting them in gyms, tents, public institutions like civic centers and purpose-built refugee hostels. But since the number of people coming here has heightened extremely recently, many citizens want to seal up the borders to keep away the people because they’re scared, angry or just idiots. The point is: yes, so many people with so many languages, religions and cultures bring along many different problems, but also many great chances and opportunities for one economy and society. And even though the taxpayers need to pay billions to afford them education and integration programs, studies and prognoses show that this country can definitely make long-term use of their immigration.
But there are those Germans who refuse to help those people who desperately need it because, quote: it’s not our problems what happens to them. Well, that’s not how our world works. We help each other because that’s just what you do when somebody needs help, whether he speaks your language or not, has the same passport or the same skin color. If you’re able to help, you do it. That’s something a five year old knows. But my aunt and uncle obviously don’t. Instead, in their opinion, anybody who wasn’t born here shouldn’t be allowed to live here either. Because of such (and even worse) mindsets we had a fight and I called my aunt’s opinion asocial and because she’s more sensitive than a toddler, she overreacted, got aggressive, felt offended and they both left before the dinner was over. There’s a difference between calling a person and the person’s opinion asocial and that’s what I told her a hundred times as well, but she didn’t wanna hear it. Well, in their opinion I shouldn’t have said anything about the topic anyway. I’m not an adult, so I’m supposed to shut up. It’s disrespectful to tell your opinion when it doesn’t fit with a grown up person’s. You may be able to imagine how pissed they were when they left. And ‘pissed’ is clearly an understatement. The friendship is over now (yes, there are almost 60 year old people who cancel a friendship that lasted for more than 20 years because of one disagreement) and it’s my fault. It doesn’t bother me (it’s sad and disappointing, but not life-changing), but it does bother my mom because they were really close and when they cut me out of their lives, they also cut out my mom. And she doesn’t deserve that. My mom is really awesome and though I think she should choose her friends more wisely, I am really sorry for ruining this friendship. She already has so much stress and worries about way too much and now I made it even worse. I don’t regret what I said, but maybe I should have shut my mouth for her…

Damn, this week is so horrible. Nothing works these days.

leonard, the big bang theory, and black and white image

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New relationship, new chance- for both of us.

Yay, I’m in a new relationship! Since like… Two or three days? Or something? I’m not so good with dates. So, I told you I had betrayed my boyfriend four times during our relationship- always with the same guy. In the end I realized this relationship didn’t make any sense anymore. I preferred having sex with another guy, I thought he looked, smelled, sounded and did it so much better and yes, I had feelings for this guy- but no feelings for my boyfriend. He was just the man who seemed to love me and made me feel safe and of course, also loved. But because I thought he’d be so nice and true and honest and whatever, I didn’t want to use him anymore, so I broke up and got together with the other man I have feelings for. Both are in their twenties, by the way, and the new one looks much better than the old one. And no, I don’t love him neither because I’ve never loved anyone expect my sister, but I do have feelings for him. And when it comes to me and my world of feelings, that’s already really, really much cuz I mostly don’t give a shit about people. I only really care about my best friends and of course, half of my family. The nice half. I made the breakup as short and painless as possible (2 minutes and didn’t tell him about my new love) and was friendly, sorry and polite. We hugged when we said goodbye and I thought it’d be over, but it wasn’t. Some people say you only see a person’s real personality when you call it off. I never experienced that in a love attachment- not until yesterday. On my way home, my new ex wrote me some nice messages. Things like: slut, awful whore/prostitute, piece of shit, unfaithful, unregenerate and unthankful bitch and you know, that sort of stuff. So damn dull, intellectually undemanding and mediocre. I had honestly never thought that low of him before. That was sort of… Disappointing. Realizing I had wasted two precious months of my life with such a person. Still I’m glad I was friendly because that shows I still have some manners. He doesn’t. Whatever, I never had real feelings for him anyway, so I actually don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just mad at myself because I didn’t get it earlier. I mean, such an asshole… He was always so sweet! Well, let’s move on.
I have a new boyfriend now. Actually the first guy I had sex with for more than just once and now, he’s also the very first one I can sleep with without any drugs and alcohol. Isn’t that cool? I thought that was never gonna happen. Of course, I’m still not over the abuse, I don’t think I’ll ever really will, but I moved on!! I don’t really know how that happened, it just… Worked. Suddenly. But isn’t that great? One step closer to a ‘normal’ life. The only problem is the fact that he is doing drugs. I also did drugs for some months once, but I stopped it a long time ago. I’ve also already been in a relationship with an addicted before, but it didn’t end up that well. If you wanna know the truth- he was the one who raped me. That’s why I never wanted an addicted ever again. I’m giving my new love one chance because I know he’s not doing hardcore drugs and he hasn’t been doing it for a long time yet which is why I think there is a chance for him to get away from this shit. I told you about my… Let’s call it bloopers. Or is this word too nice? Slip-ups. Three slip-ups when I did drugs again. But that’s already weeks ago now and I never felt the urge to do it again. It was stupid and it’s never ever gonna happen again. That’s my promise to myself, my mom, my future and my ex. My bf swore me to never take any pills again and I won’t let him smoke weed for more than twice per month. That’s enough. If he won’t follow the rules, I’ll break up because I can’t go through another junkie-relationship. And I don’t want do. I’m nobody’s idiot.
But everyone deserves a chance and this is his. I hope he’ll use it. He has so much potential and intelligence, I don’t want him to throw it all away for this fuckin stupid shit. I hope my plan is going to work. Wish me luck.
At least I don’t need to fear getting hurt. You can’t break a girl who’s always been broken- you can’t even hurt her, darling. No one will ever break me. I’m like a diamond, but made of pain.

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