Dreams and reality

The current topic in my therapy because my therapist says I’m a dreamer and I need to accept the fact that my dreams may fail and I may need a plan B. But do I really need to accept that? Do I need to accept the fact that I may fail? That I actually may be a failure? Why should I do that? Why should I tell myself I may not reach my goals? It’s strange, you know. People always say you need dreams and they’re never too high and you need to hold on to them and they all can come true if you really want it and work hard for it. But once you do that, you’re an illusionist. That’s the rub of all this, isn’t it? You’re told to be yourself and then you’re judged. People can’t keep their words. My therapist asked me today: what if a real fortune teller came to you and told you you won’t reach the goals you set yourself for your future? I guess my answer surprised him: I would do anything to prove him wrong. He responded: but what if he was right and you couldn’t do anything about it? And I said: I would never accept that. I would never give up until I’d made sure I’d done anything I could possibly have to reach my goals. No matter how unrealistic. Some people call me a fighter because of that, others an idiot. But I don’t care. Any dream is realistic that can physically be turned into reality. Wanting a real unicorn is as unrealistic as wanting stupidity to no longer exist, but why can’t a black boy wish to become president? Why can’t a little Neill want to see the moon? Why can’t I move to the continent where I belong in three years and go to college then- though I don’t have any money yet? Why shouldn’t I find a way? That’s the same with revolutions. It’s always a small stupid dream at the beginning until somebody stands up and works as hard as possible to turn it into a new kind of reality. Yeah, I wanna go to a $ 30,000 college even though I don’t have any money right now. Why shouldn’t I find a way? Why should I fail? And I told my therapist: I’m never gonna accept that. Maybe I’m an illusionist because there is no plan B for me and the only possible future is in my eyes the one others call a dream. Of course I’m scared of failing. But I will never accept the possibility for the fear to come true. Everyone keeps telling me I need to live reality, but if reality means giving up on dreams I’ll stay in my world of illusions.

I have reached so much. When I came here last year, I couldn’t imagine to skip purging for a week after I’d done it for four years. And now? I haven’t thrown up by myself in six months and don’t miss it either. I’ve gone through hell to come to where I am today. Yes, I’m scared. But after everything I’ve reached so far, I’ll never give up again before I got what I want. Because I’ve seen I can do it. And I won’t let some doctors who are unhappy with their lives stop me from getting what I want. No matter how hard it’s gonna be and how many doubts I’ll have. It’s never been easy for me anyway. But I’ve always been smarter and stronger than the others. Like the great J. F. Kennedy said: Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. And I did fail miserably. Now it’s time for part two to happen.

Fear of failure

You know, I have a very concrete plan of my future. I’m a planning person.
One of those people who can’t work without knowing what they’re doing it for. One of those people who can’t struggle without knowing the finish line.
I can’t live without knowing what I’m fighting for.
So I planned my future very detailed. High school graduation in 2016 (now 2018 because of all the stupid psychiatries and that stuff) and starting college fall 2016 (now 2018) or spring 2017 (now 2019). A good college, state doesn’t matter (just not Texas, Alaska or Hawaii), tuition/ tax/ whatever it’s called when it comes to college with room costs and that stuff no chance higher than 25,000 per year, if possible less than 20,000. Elementary school teaching. And then? Finding a job as a elementary school teacher in some nice city and start a family once I’ve found real love.
That’s the plan, but I feel like it’s all starting to fall apart even though there’s still so much time left. It’s just not enough.
I’m so incredibly fucking scared my plan won’t work out. There’s no plan B, just some stupid dreams like getting a scholarship or becoming an FBI agent or a super star.
But no alternative to what I’ve planned. I can’t imagine changing it.
THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME.
But now?
I’m still in therapy, pregnant and without any money. So what am I gonna do?
I really am looking forward to childbirth, but I’m scared of the life I’ll lead then.
I’m scared of failing, not being good enough, not being a good mother.
And even though that’s hard to say because I feel like I’m insulting my child, I’m scared I’ll fuck up my future because of having a child. I’m scared motherhood might ruin all my chances.
I know there are plenty of colleges with child program for young parents, but that’s fucking expensive and I don’t have the money and I don’t even know if it’s so easy to get into such a program at college. I don’t even know if any college will ever want me, and now with a child? And what if I’ll find a college, but then I’ll fuck it up by having bad grades or not enough points of whatever?
What if I won’t get my degree? And I’ll have spent thousands of dollars I don’t even have for nothing? Or I won’t even be able to attend college cuz I won’t find a job and the necessary support to pay it?
And even worse- what if I won’t even be able to take these steps cuz I won’t make my high school graduation? What if it will all be too much for me and in the worst case scenario, I’ll break down and have to go into another hospital? What will happen then?
I’ll be the worst mom ever. Will I be that?
I really wanna do this, but I don’t know if I can. There are so many possible fails and what ifs. What if one of them will catch me? What if I’ll fail? What will be then?
I wanna become a good mother. I wanna make it through.
But am I capable of all this? Is it even possible for me?
Can I do this? Or will I fail?
I’m so scared.
Nobody believes in me. Nobody ever did. I used to not care about that, but now I do.
I feel so stupid for thinking I’ll make any of this. Everybody says I won’t make it, so why should I anyway? How am I supposed to make any of this? HOW?

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