Shit week

The week is almost over my so I think it’s time to consider the results of it. The bottom line is that this week is one of the worst ones I’ve had in at least a year. Every single day went wrong. Like, seriously. Can’t believe it? Well, let’s prove you wrong. Monday: always horrible. Tuesday: even worse. Wednesday: some ugly stupid whore took my spot in the train and I had to stand for almost twenty minutes- and I’m nine months pregnant. Thursday: I had such an incredibly awful school day and even worse headaches and couldn’t even go to my afternoon appointment. Friday: that day was the first one to start off really good when I finally wrote a good test and my class was so damn sweet when they threw a little farewell party for me (I’m leaving the school until the end of February because of my maternity protection) and THEN I came a cropper, how my grams would say it. Normal people would say I fell badly. There actually is a hole in my knee now where a little pebble got stuck when I kissed the duff. Well, at least the baby didn’t get hurt.
But the week wasn’t done after Friday. My aunt and my uncle (not the biological ones) came here for a nice Halloween dinner and a good horror movie afterwards. But if it would have worked that way, I wouldn’t have to tell you about it. As you may know, I currently live in Germany and there are many refugees right now because of great poverty, economy problems, wars and dictatorships in several countries. Unlike most European governments who don’t seem to give a shit about the people suffering from these issues, Germany helps by hosting them in gyms, tents, public institutions like civic centers and purpose-built refugee hostels. But since the number of people coming here has heightened extremely recently, many citizens want to seal up the borders to keep away the people because they’re scared, angry or just idiots. The point is: yes, so many people with so many languages, religions and cultures bring along many different problems, but also many great chances and opportunities for one economy and society. And even though the taxpayers need to pay billions to afford them education and integration programs, studies and prognoses show that this country can definitely make long-term use of their immigration.
But there are those Germans who refuse to help those people who desperately need it because, quote: it’s not our problems what happens to them. Well, that’s not how our world works. We help each other because that’s just what you do when somebody needs help, whether he speaks your language or not, has the same passport or the same skin color. If you’re able to help, you do it. That’s something a five year old knows. But my aunt and uncle obviously don’t. Instead, in their opinion, anybody who wasn’t born here shouldn’t be allowed to live here either. Because of such (and even worse) mindsets we had a fight and I called my aunt’s opinion asocial and because she’s more sensitive than a toddler, she overreacted, got aggressive, felt offended and they both left before the dinner was over. There’s a difference between calling a person and the person’s opinion asocial and that’s what I told her a hundred times as well, but she didn’t wanna hear it. Well, in their opinion I shouldn’t have said anything about the topic anyway. I’m not an adult, so I’m supposed to shut up. It’s disrespectful to tell your opinion when it doesn’t fit with a grown up person’s. You may be able to imagine how pissed they were when they left. And ‘pissed’ is clearly an understatement. The friendship is over now (yes, there are almost 60 year old people who cancel a friendship that lasted for more than 20 years because of one disagreement) and it’s my fault. It doesn’t bother me (it’s sad and disappointing, but not life-changing), but it does bother my mom because they were really close and when they cut me out of their lives, they also cut out my mom. And she doesn’t deserve that. My mom is really awesome and though I think she should choose her friends more wisely, I am really sorry for ruining this friendship. She already has so much stress and worries about way too much and now I made it even worse. I don’t regret what I said, but maybe I should have shut my mouth for her…

Damn, this week is so horrible. Nothing works these days.

leonard, the big bang theory, and black and white image

Upset, bitchy, tired, pregnant- whatever.

Thanks to the therapists who told me to outlive my feelings and taught me to not suppress them, I’m kind of crying right now. It was so much easier to just swallow all the crap down. Feelings suck, they are complicated and always harmful in the end. Right now I’m hurt because of my mom (or at least I think I am- it’s been pretty hard to define what’s going on inside of me lately). I love her, I always will, but she’s been acting really weird lately. She’s mean and uptight all the time. No matter what you say she doesn’t like, she either takes it as offending, aggressive or bitchy. There’s no way to discuss about a topic without getting to hear something like ‘stop being so touchy’. Whenever my sister and I don’t share the same opinion (which is often the case because that’s just what siblings do), she tells us to immediately stop because she can’t take any more of our clamor- even when there is no clamor at all. We’re all female in this house, so we’re all a little iffy and sensitive (that’s just how women are- guess why most men don’t wanna argue with us), but this is more than usual. I’m scared of saying something without being told to stop agitating or upsetting. Well, maybe we’re just all in kind of a fluster because of the baby being born soon (I’m week 34 now). When one is pregnant in a family, the whole family seems to be. I’ll be so glad once this whole hormone chaos is finally over. It’s exhausting like hell. 


Recovering- for REAL.

I know I haven’t written in a while. I didn’t know what to tell. I was ‘released from custody’ three weeks ago and I’ve been doing pretty good since then- at least mentally. Physically- not really. Lately it’s been hotter than in the desert out here and my pregnant body doesn’t seem to be so happy about it. But hey, I’m still able to get out of my bed and get my shit done every day, so whatever. I’ll get through it. I’m still having those moody ups and downs, but it has already gotten SO MUCH better. Like, seriously. No sudden crying for no reason, no breakdowns because of ridiculous stuff. Just… A mixture of pregnancy and BPD (borderline personality disorder). Right now I realize even though I haven’t written in weeks, I have nothing to say. Nothing spectacular has happened since I left the hospital. I’m actually doing really good. Even better than I had expected it. Hey, it sucks to be pregnant because of all those shitty side affects like weight gain, pains everywhere and such crap, but at least I’ll have a beautiful child afterwards, so let’s do this. My mind seems to be getting better every day while I tell myself to keep going and stay strong. There are those bad days and critical moments, but I know what to do and am always able to snap out of it somehow. I have no idea how I made it here, but now I really am recovering. 

All I can tell you is that the most important part of recovery is wanting it, realizing you deserve it and never, ever stop believing in yourself, your dreams and future. And you must never stop refining yourself. 

No support, but I don’t care

I’m so mad at everyone right now.

Because I’m all alone. No one supports me. They’re all against me.
You’re ruining your life, they say.
You won’t make it, they say.
You’re not strong enough.
You can’t even handle yourself.
You’re way too sick.
You’re still a kid.
You’ll make the child’s life a nightmare.
You can’t be a mother.
You’re too weak.
No one is on my side.
No one.
But you know what? That makes me even stronger.
I’ve survived so many years without the help from anyone but myself.
I’ll prove them wrong. They have no idea what I’m capable of. They all think they know everything better, but they’ve been through less shit in their whole damn lives than I’ve been through within the last five years. They don’t know anything.
Stand up for what you believe in even if it means you’re standing alone.
I’ve always been alone with my beliefs, but I’ve always made it through alone.
They have no right to judge me cuz they have no idea what’s going on inside of me or what I’m able to do. I’ll never ever let them convince me.
This is my business and mine alone.
They all say you gotta follow your dreams and not listen to anyone, but once you start doing exactly that, they all suddenly change their minds, but I don’t care.
I’ve never been the one to follow their rules. 
When you don’t fit in, there are only two opportunities: you fall apart in their world or you build your own one.

Havin’ a good day!

I’m on my way to my gynecologist- again. Another check. They check me all the time because of the baby. Honestly… I’m scared. I’m in the sixth week. Most babies die around that time. My mom already lost a kid in the sixth one. You know, that’s strange: I never wanted this child, but now since I chose to keep it, I’m scared of losing it. I’m starting to look forward to having this kid and raising it. The idea of losing it during or even after the pregnancy scares the hell out of me. I WANT my child.
I WANT to raise it, love it, give anything for it. Becoming it seems to be a chance for me to change my whole life, start new, change something about myself.
A chance for a life with my boyfriend and our child.
Oh my gosh, in less than an hour I’ll be there… I’m so damn scared.
Please, let the baby be well and healthy. I don’t know who I’m praying to right now because I don’t believe in any religions, but whatever.
I’ll just pray to Marilyn Manson.
– 2 hours later – The baby is healthy!! Omg I’m so glad! And even better: we found an apartment that’s perfect for us and in our area! I’m so happy right now, I can’t take it.
I hope we’ll make this our place for our little family.
Oh, and by the way: I went to a Black Veil Brides concert in my city last Saturday cuz my dog said it wouldn’t be a problem if I wouldn’t stand right in front of the boxes and of course, wouldn’t drink or smoke. Well, about the concert: I gotta say, the audience was the most awful one I’ve ever seen in my entire life. (Only teen pop concerts are worse, but I’m glad I’ve never been to one and will never be.) The average visitor on this concert was female, 13 or 14 years old, on a concert for the first time in her life and even though many of them brought their mommys too, they didn’t know ANYTHING about manners or how to be polite. I’ve never been in the middle of such an uncivil  audience. Awful. BUT the show was the complete opposite. It was fucking awesome.
Much better than I had expected and one of the best performances I’ve ever seen- and for a 17-year old I’ve already been on a WHOLE LOT of concerts and even festivals.

I’ll be a mommy!

Yep, I made a decision because otherwise my doctor would have arranged an appointment for the abortion. My mom and the father of my child are both against keeping the child and would prefer an abortion cuz I’m too young and too sick and bla and of course they’re right, but also I consider this pregnancy as a new chance for a new life. For me it’s the biggest motivation to recover I’ll ever get. I think this is the chance for me to change everything and start new and give my life a meaning.

And I don’t give a shit about the people who refuse to support me. I never had a father, so I’ll also make it without a mother even though it’s a sad thing. And I know my boyfriend will stay with me and support me as much as he can. Yeah, he doesn’t want this child, but it’s his too and he knows that and he won’t run away from this responsibility. (He wouldn’t have a chance to anyway) We’ll get a small apartment together short before the birth date (we got a lot of time until them- I’m only in the forth week) and I’ll stay at home for about a year for the baby while he’ll only take a break from work for a few weeks and then go back to work during the day.
We won’t have much money, but thanks to the state we live in, enough to live until the kid is old enough to go to a day care center before noon while I’ll finish high school. And I’ll get us a dog. I can’t live without pets and my mom took them.
Nope, it will never be easy, but has my life ever been that?
Nope, it hasn’t. I’ve survived so much shit, this will be like a nap compared to the past.
Of course I’m not a hopeless romantic and I know my boyfriend may leave me if it’s gonna me too much for him even though I don’t expect something so asshole-like from him, but then I’ll make it on my own. It’s my child and I’ll give anything for it.
And my boyfriend will support us because after everything that we’ve been through he owes me (or us) that. Even if he’ll only pay money. His decision. I won’t force him.
But no matter what’s gonna happen, I will never ever leave this child alone. 
I’m the mother and I’ll go through hell to give the child the best it deserves.
There is even a risk it may be disabled because I took fluoxetine and quetiapine during the first three weeks of this pregnancy, but I don’t care. All I can do is hope it will be born well and healthy and I’ll give him the life he or she deserves.
Mothers never leave their kids alone.
I’ll never give up on Jamie, no matter what it takes.
(Yeah, Jamie, I always wanted to name my kid this name and no one can stop me from fulfilling this plan)
I know the youth welfare office won’t support me and will give anything to stop me and place us into some fucking stupid institution for mothers and their kids because they can’t take care of them on their own, but I’ll never move into such a stupid setup.
I know I’m not even an adult yet and have mental disorders, but I’ll be the best fucking mom ever. 
And you can all go to hell.


I’m pregnant.

Looks like the day-after pill is not THAT safe. Now I have a problem. What am I gonna do? I don’t want to have an abortion, but I can’t have a baby either. I’m not ready for it. I’m not strong enough. Not good enough. Not yet. And to make it even worse: to have an arbotion, they’ll have to take off a blood sample and during the operation, I’ll get infusions through needles and the thing is: I have a phobia of all kinds of needles in my veins. Not an anxiety. A fucking phobia.

What the hell am I supposed to do?