Upset, bitchy, tired, pregnant- whatever.

Thanks to the therapists who told me to outlive my feelings and taught me to not suppress them, I’m kind of crying right now. It was so much easier to just swallow all the crap down. Feelings suck, they are complicated and always harmful in the end. Right now I’m hurt because of my mom (or at least I think I am- it’s been pretty hard to define what’s going on inside of me lately). I love her, I always will, but she’s been acting really weird lately. She’s mean and uptight all the time. No matter what you say she doesn’t like, she either takes it as offending, aggressive or bitchy. There’s no way to discuss about a topic without getting to hear something like ‘stop being so touchy’. Whenever my sister and I don’t share the same opinion (which is often the case because that’s just what siblings do), she tells us to immediately stop because she can’t take any more of our clamor- even when there is no clamor at all. We’re all female in this house, so we’re all a little iffy and sensitive (that’s just how women are- guess why most men don’t wanna argue with us), but this is more than usual. I’m scared of saying something without being told to stop agitating or upsetting. Well, maybe we’re just all in kind of a fluster because of the baby being born soon (I’m week 34 now). When one is pregnant in a family, the whole family seems to be. I’ll be so glad once this whole hormone chaos is finally over. It’s exhausting like hell. 


Recovering- for REAL.

I know I haven’t written in a while. I didn’t know what to tell. I was ‘released from custody’ three weeks ago and I’ve been doing pretty good since then- at least mentally. Physically- not really. Lately it’s been hotter than in the desert out here and my pregnant body doesn’t seem to be so happy about it. But hey, I’m still able to get out of my bed and get my shit done every day, so whatever. I’ll get through it. I’m still having those moody ups and downs, but it has already gotten SO MUCH better. Like, seriously. No sudden crying for no reason, no breakdowns because of ridiculous stuff. Just… A mixture of pregnancy and BPD (borderline personality disorder). Right now I realize even though I haven’t written in weeks, I have nothing to say. Nothing spectacular has happened since I left the hospital. I’m actually doing really good. Even better than I had expected it. Hey, it sucks to be pregnant because of all those shitty side affects like weight gain, pains everywhere and such crap, but at least I’ll have a beautiful child afterwards, so let’s do this. My mind seems to be getting better every day while I tell myself to keep going and stay strong. There are those bad days and critical moments, but I know what to do and am always able to snap out of it somehow. I have no idea how I made it here, but now I really am recovering. 

All I can tell you is that the most important part of recovery is wanting it, realizing you deserve it and never, ever stop believing in yourself, your dreams and future. And you must never stop refining yourself. 

Fear of failure

You know, I have a very concrete plan of my future. I’m a planning person.
One of those people who can’t work without knowing what they’re doing it for. One of those people who can’t struggle without knowing the finish line.
I can’t live without knowing what I’m fighting for.
So I planned my future very detailed. High school graduation in 2016 (now 2018 because of all the stupid psychiatries and that stuff) and starting college fall 2016 (now 2018) or spring 2017 (now 2019). A good college, state doesn’t matter (just not Texas, Alaska or Hawaii), tuition/ tax/ whatever it’s called when it comes to college with room costs and that stuff no chance higher than 25,000 per year, if possible less than 20,000. Elementary school teaching. And then? Finding a job as a elementary school teacher in some nice city and start a family once I’ve found real love.
That’s the plan, but I feel like it’s all starting to fall apart even though there’s still so much time left. It’s just not enough.
I’m so incredibly fucking scared my plan won’t work out. There’s no plan B, just some stupid dreams like getting a scholarship or becoming an FBI agent or a super star.
But no alternative to what I’ve planned. I can’t imagine changing it.
But now?
I’m still in therapy, pregnant and without any money. So what am I gonna do?
I really am looking forward to childbirth, but I’m scared of the life I’ll lead then.
I’m scared of failing, not being good enough, not being a good mother.
And even though that’s hard to say because I feel like I’m insulting my child, I’m scared I’ll fuck up my future because of having a child. I’m scared motherhood might ruin all my chances.
I know there are plenty of colleges with child program for young parents, but that’s fucking expensive and I don’t have the money and I don’t even know if it’s so easy to get into such a program at college. I don’t even know if any college will ever want me, and now with a child? And what if I’ll find a college, but then I’ll fuck it up by having bad grades or not enough points of whatever?
What if I won’t get my degree? And I’ll have spent thousands of dollars I don’t even have for nothing? Or I won’t even be able to attend college cuz I won’t find a job and the necessary support to pay it?
And even worse- what if I won’t even be able to take these steps cuz I won’t make my high school graduation? What if it will all be too much for me and in the worst case scenario, I’ll break down and have to go into another hospital? What will happen then?
I’ll be the worst mom ever. Will I be that?
I really wanna do this, but I don’t know if I can. There are so many possible fails and what ifs. What if one of them will catch me? What if I’ll fail? What will be then?
I wanna become a good mother. I wanna make it through.
But am I capable of all this? Is it even possible for me?
Can I do this? Or will I fail?
I’m so scared.
Nobody believes in me. Nobody ever did. I used to not care about that, but now I do.
I feel so stupid for thinking I’ll make any of this. Everybody says I won’t make it, so why should I anyway? How am I supposed to make any of this? HOW?


No support, but I don’t care

I’m so mad at everyone right now.

Because I’m all alone. No one supports me. They’re all against me.
You’re ruining your life, they say.
You won’t make it, they say.
You’re not strong enough.
You can’t even handle yourself.
You’re way too sick.
You’re still a kid.
You’ll make the child’s life a nightmare.
You can’t be a mother.
You’re too weak.
No one is on my side.
No one.
But you know what? That makes me even stronger.
I’ve survived so many years without the help from anyone but myself.
I’ll prove them wrong. They have no idea what I’m capable of. They all think they know everything better, but they’ve been through less shit in their whole damn lives than I’ve been through within the last five years. They don’t know anything.
Stand up for what you believe in even if it means you’re standing alone.
I’ve always been alone with my beliefs, but I’ve always made it through alone.
They have no right to judge me cuz they have no idea what’s going on inside of me or what I’m able to do. I’ll never ever let them convince me.
This is my business and mine alone.
They all say you gotta follow your dreams and not listen to anyone, but once you start doing exactly that, they all suddenly change their minds, but I don’t care.
I’ve never been the one to follow their rules. 
When you don’t fit in, there are only two opportunities: you fall apart in their world or you build your own one.

Havin’ a good day!

I’m on my way to my gynecologist- again. Another check. They check me all the time because of the baby. Honestly… I’m scared. I’m in the sixth week. Most babies die around that time. My mom already lost a kid in the sixth one. You know, that’s strange: I never wanted this child, but now since I chose to keep it, I’m scared of losing it. I’m starting to look forward to having this kid and raising it. The idea of losing it during or even after the pregnancy scares the hell out of me. I WANT my child.
I WANT to raise it, love it, give anything for it. Becoming it seems to be a chance for me to change my whole life, start new, change something about myself.
A chance for a life with my boyfriend and our child.
Oh my gosh, in less than an hour I’ll be there… I’m so damn scared.
Please, let the baby be well and healthy. I don’t know who I’m praying to right now because I don’t believe in any religions, but whatever.
I’ll just pray to Marilyn Manson.
– 2 hours later – The baby is healthy!! Omg I’m so glad! And even better: we found an apartment that’s perfect for us and in our area! I’m so happy right now, I can’t take it.
I hope we’ll make this our place for our little family.
Oh, and by the way: I went to a Black Veil Brides concert in my city last Saturday cuz my dog said it wouldn’t be a problem if I wouldn’t stand right in front of the boxes and of course, wouldn’t drink or smoke. Well, about the concert: I gotta say, the audience was the most awful one I’ve ever seen in my entire life. (Only teen pop concerts are worse, but I’m glad I’ve never been to one and will never be.) The average visitor on this concert was female, 13 or 14 years old, on a concert for the first time in her life and even though many of them brought their mommys too, they didn’t know ANYTHING about manners or how to be polite. I’ve never been in the middle of such an uncivil  audience. Awful. BUT the show was the complete opposite. It was fucking awesome.
Much better than I had expected and one of the best performances I’ve ever seen- and for a 17-year old I’ve already been on a WHOLE LOT of concerts and even festivals.

I’ll be a mommy!

Yep, I made a decision because otherwise my doctor would have arranged an appointment for the abortion. My mom and the father of my child are both against keeping the child and would prefer an abortion cuz I’m too young and too sick and bla and of course they’re right, but also I consider this pregnancy as a new chance for a new life. For me it’s the biggest motivation to recover I’ll ever get. I think this is the chance for me to change everything and start new and give my life a meaning.

And I don’t give a shit about the people who refuse to support me. I never had a father, so I’ll also make it without a mother even though it’s a sad thing. And I know my boyfriend will stay with me and support me as much as he can. Yeah, he doesn’t want this child, but it’s his too and he knows that and he won’t run away from this responsibility. (He wouldn’t have a chance to anyway) We’ll get a small apartment together short before the birth date (we got a lot of time until them- I’m only in the forth week) and I’ll stay at home for about a year for the baby while he’ll only take a break from work for a few weeks and then go back to work during the day.
We won’t have much money, but thanks to the state we live in, enough to live until the kid is old enough to go to a day care center before noon while I’ll finish high school. And I’ll get us a dog. I can’t live without pets and my mom took them.
Nope, it will never be easy, but has my life ever been that?
Nope, it hasn’t. I’ve survived so much shit, this will be like a nap compared to the past.
Of course I’m not a hopeless romantic and I know my boyfriend may leave me if it’s gonna me too much for him even though I don’t expect something so asshole-like from him, but then I’ll make it on my own. It’s my child and I’ll give anything for it.
And my boyfriend will support us because after everything that we’ve been through he owes me (or us) that. Even if he’ll only pay money. His decision. I won’t force him.
But no matter what’s gonna happen, I will never ever leave this child alone. 
I’m the mother and I’ll go through hell to give the child the best it deserves.
There is even a risk it may be disabled because I took fluoxetine and quetiapine during the first three weeks of this pregnancy, but I don’t care. All I can do is hope it will be born well and healthy and I’ll give him the life he or she deserves.
Mothers never leave their kids alone.
I’ll never give up on Jamie, no matter what it takes.
(Yeah, Jamie, I always wanted to name my kid this name and no one can stop me from fulfilling this plan)
I know the youth welfare office won’t support me and will give anything to stop me and place us into some fucking stupid institution for mothers and their kids because they can’t take care of them on their own, but I’ll never move into such a stupid setup.
I know I’m not even an adult yet and have mental disorders, but I’ll be the best fucking mom ever. 
And you can all go to hell.


I’m pregnant.

Looks like the day-after pill is not THAT safe. Now I have a problem. What am I gonna do? I don’t want to have an abortion, but I can’t have a baby either. I’m not ready for it. I’m not strong enough. Not good enough. Not yet. And to make it even worse: to have an arbotion, they’ll have to take off a blood sample and during the operation, I’ll get infusions through needles and the thing is: I have a phobia of all kinds of needles in my veins. Not an anxiety. A fucking phobia.

What the hell am I supposed to do?