Dear eating disorder

I’m writing this to let you know how I feel and why I am no longer able and willing to trust you.
Your one and only goal has always been to destroy me, and I unfortunately didn’t realize that until you had almost succeeded. I wish I could say that it will be easy to let go of you after everything you’ve done to me, but it won’t because as much as I hate to admit it, a part of me still loves you despite the awful things you put me through.
But the problem is that, while ruining me, you also give me something nobody else can provide me. The safety and security I feel when I’m with you cannot be compared to the feelings I have when I’m with other people. You make me feel like I am not a lost case and that there’s still hope left, that following your advice will give me what I’ve always wanted. But this is the point where things don’t work out anymore: Listening to you has never solved any of my problems and just added new ones.
You recognized all of my doubts and insecurities the second you laid eyes on me and knew exactly how to make them your weapons, especially in terms of my perfectionism and body.
Being the best liar I’ve ever witnessed, you lured me into your trap, promising me everything I’ve ever wanted if I’d be willing to make some sacrifices. What you didn’t tell me was that the sacrifices wouldn’t just be some discipline, guilt and willpower, but my entire life. Saying this, I’m sure you’ll defend yourself and state I must be confused and therefore simply exaggerating, but deep down we both know which one of us is speaking the truth this time. I’ve told many lies over the last few years with you in my life, so many that I went through times when I started to believe them myself, but this time, I can see through your games and tell things as they are.
To make you a part of my life and get what you tempted me with, I had to push away everyone I had once cared about, give up on my health, let go of my sanity and devote my entire existence to letting you tear me down.
And guess what?
You never even kept your part of the deal.
Instead of giving me the perfect skinny body my insecure inner self with its twisted mind had always dreamed of to finally be appreciated, you turned mine into a wreck.
Instead of making me someone strong, disciplined and determined, you made me obsessed with thoughts so repulsive I’d rather not even name them.
Instead of giving me perfection (both inside and outside), you attempted to kill me.
And nothing you say can ever make up for that.
Our relationship was never real.
You never gave a damn about me.
I gave you way too many second chances because I put my faith in you and was loyal, sick and naive enough to believe you’d actually help me, but every time I let you guide me, I came one step closer to my own death.
This letter could continue for many hours and I could tell you so many things I have on my mind when thinking about you (especially negative, but actually even a few positive ones because no matter how sick, you always made me feel safe), but where would that get us? How would my rant help either of us?
It wouldn’t. This is all that matters, all I need to say.
I don’t care what you think about it. You’ll think that it’s not over yet and I’m just having another one of my doubtful phases when I try to distance myself from you but end up crawling to you again, desperate for your self-proclaimed ‘support’, but this time, it’s different. Say whatever you want. I know I’m not rid of you just yet and it’ll take a lot more time to let go after all these years we spent together in our own world, but I’m starting to leave right here and right now.
We’re not done yet, but we certainly will be, becauase this year is the year I’m actually starting to fight you and don’t just pretend to make others happy and keep myself delusional.
Say whatever you want; I know you think you’re smarter than me anyways. But I’ve seen every single one of your tricks and know them good enough to be able to recognize them before I fall for them.
You’re disgusting and the only one worthless here, and I guarantee you’ll miss me once you realize I won’t come back for you.
This is my the beginning of the end of the two of us and there is no turning back. It’s far too late for that and you know who’s to blame for what happened.
Keep my smile in mind because you’ll never get to see it again.

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Obsessions

I’ve probably already been through this topic countless times, but it’s still important, so I’ll just post about it once more and dive right into it by stating that we live in a society that’s obsessed with perfection. Don’t believe me? Just think about it. Perfection is everything. All we want is happiness and it’s like we wrote specific rules in our minds we need to follow to achieve the ultimate happiness. We want to be as beautiful as possible, need to make as much money as much possible, and be well educated, smart, funny and either married with kids and a house, car and golden retriever in addition or be a super star in a band or on the runway. Either way, there is definitely a certain concept of happiness and it expects perfection to be reached.
But how can we be perfect when nothing is ever good enough?
We never have as much success as we want to, never have as many relationships as we need to be considered truly valued and beauty? What is beauty? How can you be the perfect looking person you want and are secretly expected to be when there is no definition for it? Is the skinny white girl in the magazine with the crop top, tanned legs and no food for three days the perfect girl? Does she know she is or is even she, the girl considered perfect, thriving for something more? Does she believe she has what she needs to be perfect? Is she happy this way?
Does it make us happy at all?
And if not, why do we want it regardless? Why are we so obsessed with this concept?
The girl in the magazine doesn’t even look like the magazine. It’s an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and nothing more. But we keep creating lies to deceive us into believing that perfection is achievable and that we just need to try a little harder to get there.

quote, love, and education image

There’s nothing wrong with us, but we keep finding something to criticize just to have a reason to doubt ourselves so long that our fears take over despite them being nothing but thoughts in our minds. When we’re young, nobody tells us how much power thoughts actually have, but they truly rule everything.
All it takes is one single thought, one sentence, one spark, to change everything.
And sometimes, ruin everything.
All it took me were four short words to change my life forever.
I am not enough.
I still remember the day I thought it for the first time and the thought has never left me since. The perfection I have in my mind is nothing but an illusion, but I keep trying desperately to reach it because if I don’t, what else is there? What am I supposed to do with all this self-hatred when there’s no way to convince myself into believing I’m actually trying to change something to please myself? Right now, the only thought that keeps me from falling apart completely when I’m alone is that I’m on my way to change. Deep down I know that changing my appearance won’t change my doubts, but I can’t do anything but keep trying.

generation, quote, and perfection image

All we want is to feel like we’re good enough the way we are, but actively loving yourself is so much harder than talking about it and motivating people to do it on the Internet.
The poor way I treat myself is destroying me piece by piece, but I can’t stop if I want these voices to stop. I’m barely holding it together, obsessed with thinking that someday, maybe I’ll feel genuinely beautiful for once like the girls on Instagram pretend to be when they’re not standing in front of their mirrors pointing out their flaws and insecurities we all have, but won’t admit, because it would ruin the image of our endless happiness in a sick world.
Ah hell.

This speaks from my soul…

I’ve always had this obsession with the idea of perfection, mostly because it’s so unachievable. Not just in my eating disorder, but in my academics, social life, and more. Perfection was what got me in the hospital. Perfection was what got me sick. I emulated perfection only to make myself vulnerable to its destructive temptations. […]

via How Perfect — Angie’s Blog