Fear

I am so fucking scared and don’t have a damn idea why.
I haven’t had these panic attacks since fall and now they’re back and I have no idea what to do. Right now I’m laying in the bathtub, trying to study while I’m relaxing, but I can’t do at least one of those things. My body is hot and cold, jittery and nervous and my mind is killing me. Maybe it’s because of the important exam tomorrow. Maybe it’s because I think I’ll fail, again.
I’m such a failure. So what am I gonna do? I’ll fail it because I don’t get anything that’s got to do something with calculating cuz I just can’t deal with numbers. There will be bad grades, again. I can only go back to the United States if I’ll study and good universities don’t want any losers.
There’s no way for me to keep going. Nothing ever works in my life.
I’ve been struggling for so many years now although I’m only sixteen years old and my life never was and never will be the way I want it. The way it’s being shown in Hollywood movies. The way it works in normal people’s lives. School, college, graduation, job, marriage, kids. Some heartbreaks, some breakdowns, the parents will die one day. That’s life- a normal life.
But normality will never ever exist in this dark hole I’m stuck in.
Gosh, it hurts so much. There’s this pain and it’s with me all the time, no matter what I do or how good I feel. A part of me stays dead and right now it’s taking over the rest of me. Why is it so hard for me to live? Why can’t the scars on my skin just fade away?
It’s not that I feel sorry for myself or something like that, I just don’t get the reasons why this is happening. Why I deserve this.
Maybe winning this fight means giving up. Maybe we’re all better off this way. I get new pills every month and every time I keep some of them in my closet in a small box. The leaflet says how much you need to surely die and I’ll have enough little pills soon. It’s my backup plan if everything is going to break down again and it makes me feel safe to know I still have this option waiting to be fulfilled in the back of my mind. A deadly plan.

Because right now I’m scared of life, scared of the future, of what’s going to happen. I don’t want to keep going, don’t wanna stay strong and struggle every day all over again. I can’t do this anymore, it hurts so much.
But I can’t take another break, can’t spent another month or even a whole year in a hospital or psychiatric. There are two possibilities: keep fighting for nothing but a stupid dream that may never come true or just… Give up on everything. I already tried it twice and it almost worked, so I have enough experience to make it this time. I don’t know what else to do. The only place where I feel safe and happy and loved is in the hospitals, but I can’t stay there forever. I’d rather die than spend my whole life in a madhouse or funny farm. There’s no cure for the pain and no savior for me because in the end, the only one who can save you IS YOU. And I can’t. I tried, I really did, but I’m empty. Invalidated. Exhausted. All I wanna do is cry, but I can’t. I’m too cold. Please, keep me from falling apart. I’m gonna catch a cold from the ice inside my soul. Every breath feels like dying.

“No eternity, no hope for me and you
We close our eyes and we’re fading away”

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