Beautiful Pain

Our life was a shooting star
That burned out way too fast
And all the memories
Of a dream that’s built to last
Don’t wanna wait for my next panic attack
Don’t wanna wait for my next crash

It’s a beautiful pain
When I remember the good times
When I remember the gone
It’s a beautiful pain
When I let go of the heartache
When I let go of your heart

All the times that I keep holding onto
Even though you’re gone
And the nights that I keep holding back the tears
I hope you found what you’re looking for

I pray that you’re happy now
You’re never looking back
Rest with the angels now
Heaven’s gate you left

Don’t wanna wait cause you’re never coming back
Don’t wanna wait for the last dance

It’s a beautiful pain
When I remember the good times
When I remember the gone
It’s a beautiful pain
When I let go of the heartache
When I let go of your heart

All the times that I keep holding onto
Even though you’re gone
And the nights that I keep holding back the tears
I hope you found what you’re looking for

– original lyrics by Andy Biersack

large (1)

On the edge

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m always one step from crumbling and it only takes one tiny thing to push me that last bit off the edge. One moment I’m fine, the next one I’m losing my mind. And the worst part is that nobody knows or will know about it. I’m tired of always needing to be fine, but I can’t change anything about it. I love my son more than words could describe it, but there are certain awful things about motherhood nobody ever tells you about and the worst one is that you always need to function. And when I say always, I mean it. When you have a baby, you can’t even take a minute off because as soon as you sit down, there’s the possibility that your child might start crying. You always need to be in control, calm, smiling, careful. Everyone believes I’m doing great, and on the outside, I really am, taking care of everything, getting all of my work done, never forgetting anything- but on the inside, things are different.

anxiety, black and white, and cigarettes image

I’m constantly torn apart between happiness and desperation- literally. It’s like there are those two sides in my head and I never know which one will win because while one tells me how great I’m doing and sees everything positive, the other one finds a thousand reasons to break down the next second. My mood is really fragile and even though I manage to cover it up with my typical slightly bitchy attitude mixed with casual kindness (yes, it works) and keeping myself busy all day, I’m praying in my head to be able to keep my goddamn shit together and not lose it again. It’s incredibly exhausting and making me feel really anxious. There’s nothing I can do about it, though. I need to figure out a way a deal with it despite how much it pisses me off on a regular basis. Sometimes I think I’ve got a pro’s and con’s list in my head that refreshes every minute to keep me up to date. Right now it looks like this:

+ I: managed an entire week with my son and my dogs in the house without my mom or sis around really well; work out every morning; am an awesome mom to my son; will put him in daycare the upcoming week to start studying again; am really strong and apparently not heartbroken and make my way through everything without falling apart; am holding on and have great plans for my future

– I: am fragile; am having flashbacks from the past; had to cancel my vacation because I couldn’t take it; still need to face the walking problem named my ex because he’s my son’s dad and I can’t just cut him out of my life like I’d love to; still suffer from relapses; don’t eat like normal people do anymore again; can’t talk to anyone about everything; usually don’t know what’s going on with me and whether I’ll go to bed happy or crying tonight; struggle with my self-identify* and body image very hard again

*About the self-identity-problem: Well, when my son was born a little more than nine months ago, I decided to start to dress like a mom (you know, the whole thing with blue jeans, decent jewelry, heels and blouses like classy moms do it) and strongly distanced myself from the stuff I used to like (smoking, drinking, partying, concerts) and instead act like a role model. Also, I stopped admitting when I feel bad because that’s something parents unfortunately are not supposed to do. Parents need to function and not feel, unfortunately. I still listen to the same kind of music with my earbuds and still like the same things, but I don’t really show it anymore. I only wear my band shirts and batman stuff when I’m home or walking my dogs, wear normal makeup and have a bright room with blue and photos and stuff now.

And I’m not sure if that was the right choice. Sure, if I made the choice again, I’d still never actually smoke or drink as a mom during the day and still only attend parties or concerts on special occasions with a babysitter at home, but the whole appearance thing seems to not be a smart thing now that I live with it. To be honest, wearing that stuff makes me feel really uncomfortable. Sure, it’s all really pretty (I wouldn’t have bought it otherwise), but it’s not me, you know? It doesn’t feel right.

afraid, black and white, and Darkness image

Okay, so I feel like I kind of lost my train of thought. Where I was actually going is that I’m sure if this is who I really am and want to be anymore. Do I want to be this perfect inspirational ideal showpiece teen mom? Yes, I want to keep being respected and admired for how well I’m handling everything because I am, but do I want to be this perfect fake? Do I want to pretend that I’m always fine and never struggling, always wearing that smile and confidence I’ve never truly had? Do I want to wear nude lipstick and red blouses and hide my studded leather jackets? Do I want to keep all of my feelings and fears to myself and my counselor?

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. I don’t feel real anymore, you know? It’s like I’m fine and horrible at the exact same time, all the time.

Who the hell is this person in the mirror? When did I become her? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Am I happy this way? Because, honestly, I don’t know. I don’t even know if this is a dream or a nightmare. I don’t fucking know.

black and white, depressed, and depressing image

Slipping away

How can I say this without breaking?
How can I say this without taking over?
How can I put it down into words
When it’s almost too much for my soul alone?

Do you know this feeling when you’re with other people and everything is fine and you’re feeling alright and then they leave and you’re sitting there and notice how you fall apart completely? You realize it, but you can’t do anything about it? Can’t stop it? That’s what’s happening to me right now. And the thing is, I know what I could do about it. All those skills and positive activities and that kind of crap they teach you to do and use in the hospitals and loony bins. But to be honest, I just don’t have any energy left to do these things. They tell you to pour your energy into everything you love and be passionate and full of whatever kind of shit, so I poured and poured and poured and now the metaphoric cup is empty. And I don’t know what to do about it. Like I just said, I know how to distract myself, but that doesn’t really change anything. I don’t know what I need to actually change my condition, but maybe it’s just a little break from things. You know, to get back my energy. But there’s no way for me to do that. There’s just too much shit I need to handle, so I wake up every day feeling like I just wanna hide under my bed forever, but I don’t, so instead I get up and get through the day, get things done, smile and go to bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart. There’s no other way and no other option left for me. I need to make it through. And sometimes I wanna tell the people I love that I feel like shit, but that’s not gonna change anything. They’ll either treat me like a child or a victim and I’ll drown in their pity, they’ll feel insecure and uncomfortable and won’t know what to do or I’ll get to hear extremely helpful things like ‘Don’t be down in the mouth!’ or ‘It’s just a bad day!’. And they’re right, but that doesn’t change things or help me somehow anyway. So I smile and tell them I’m fine. Makes it easier.
cassie, skins, and quote image
I love my son so much and I need to make it through- for him. I need to be there for him, be happy for him, recover for him, go to counseling for him, get my shit handled, smile, breathe, do all the shit I don’t want to do, study, focus, go to school, pass the finals, get my degree, never get enough sleep, never relax, put all this pressure on me and just get through everything. Because I don’t have a choice. I want him to be proud of me, be proud of myself, be a good role model, be happy and get the life I’ve always wanted- the life that I deserve after everything I’ve been through. All these years I’ve fought so hard and the effort I put into this struggle- I don’t want it to be a total waste of time. I know I can do this. I just don’t know how. How do you get through the day without falling apart when you feel like there’s nothing left of you? Like you’re empty and hollow?
black and white, dakota blue richards, and quote image
I just want this to be over, I want to appreciate my life and myself and stop hating myself (especially my body) so fucking much. I just want to be enough for at least once. People tell me to think positive, but how am I supposed to do that? Believe me, I’ve tried everything. But I still feel like crap on a regular basis. Everything is fine, so why do I feel like losing everything? I’m a good mom, a good person, daughter and student and I’m doing a really great job at recovering from my disorders because I never give up and always keep going (no matter how hard it is), so why do I still feel these emotions I can’t even specify? Why are my disorders always stronger than me? I really don’t wanna be a whiny weak loser, but I can’t deal with this crap in my head.
skins image

It’s not the end

I want you to close your eyes please
I wanna ask you
How are you?
What heaviness are you carrying?
What tears do you hold back?
What pain
What fears
Are kept inside?
You don’t have to hold on to those fears
If you just take one step at a time
Not to say that one day these fears are just gonna completely disappear

Can you forgive those you have hurt you?
Because that’s where healing starts
Every time someone puts you down
Will you make a decision to bring somebody else up?
Go to an open area
Where there’s no building and there’s no shelter
And there’s a storm above you
This storm represents the situations in your life when you don’t tell anybody what you’re going through Because first of all they wouldn’t understand
And second of all they can’t even help you anyway
There’s this storm and you’re down on your knees and you’re cold and you’re weak
And you feel like this is the end
Are you not still here?
You are still here
You don’t have to do this alone

Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you?
You have to start by not rejecting yourself
You don’t deserve it
People either accept you or they can fuck off
When you’re in school
When you grow up in life
It actually sort of matters to people how you look
It matters to you because it matters to others
Why?
Why does it matter how you look?
Because if they don’t like you, then who will?
If they don’t accept you, then who will?
And the fear that we have that we’re going to be alone
That we’re not good enough
And we have to change ourselves
And I had to because otherwise people put me down
I started believing that I was not good enough
I started believing that I was a failure
That I would never ever be somebody who people would like
Who people would accept

I was depressed
I thought: what kind of purpose do I have to live?
Are you just here to live, to die?
Is there not a purpose for me?
Is there not a purpose in life?
There are some things in life that are out of your control
That you can’t change and you gotta live with
The choice that we have is either to give up or keep on going
I wanna ask you
What are you gonna believe?
Are you gonna believe in yourself or are you gonna believe everybody else ‘s judgment?
Are you gonna believe people when they say that you’re a failure?
That no one really likes you
That no one cares about you
I wanna tell you that sometimes in life when you fall down and you feel like you don’t have the strength to get back up, you need to try again
Because if I fail
I’ll try again
And again
And again
And again
For as long as I try there is always that chance of getting up
And it’s not the end until you’ve given up
And just the fact that you’re here should persuade you that you have another chance to get back up
Because
There’s still hope
There’s always hope
It’s not the end

Worst feeling.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/3b7/81417719/files/2015/01/img_9666.jpg

I hope my tablet successfully uploaded the picture upon this sentence. This quote from The Vampire Diaries (season 4) reminds me of myself. That’s how I currently feel. I don’t know what happened to me. Right now I’m writing to keep myself busy until the time has passed I need to wait after dinner to purge. In my opinion, 15 minutes after a meal is perfect. And why am I doing this? The perfection I’m looking for doesn’t exist in this world and I know it, but I chase it anyway and I’d rather die than give up on this stupid delusional dream. There’s a hole inside of me that can’t be filled. Believe me, I tried to fill it with anything possible. People, food, feelings, self harm, devastation, music, hobbies, passions, disorders, recovery, alcohol, drugs, whatever. Right now I’m trying to fill it with sex although I already know it’s not gonna work. I just need something to keep me from completely going insane. I don’t wanna go back into a damn psychiatric or something. Nothing is cured in there.

Also, I don’t want a new year. The last few have already been so terrible, it’s only gonna get worse this time! 365 new days, but the same old shit. I spent Sylvester drunk and high all the time cuz I wouldn’t have been able to make it through otherwise. I tried it without any drugs the past two Sylvester nights, but I ended up in my bed with a lot of blades and blood. And self hatred. I will never do ‘real’ drugs like pills, shots and syringes again, but right now I feel like I need alcohol and weed sometimes (like twice a week) cuz it’s the only way for me to calm down. It makes me feel numb, fearless, careless, satisfied and free. Without the stuff, I’m always jittery, nervous and overthinking- and that gets too exhausting for me after some time.
I’m just trying to think positive about the new year, but I really can’t. It’s like I’m always only getting worse. When is this pain going to end? When it ends me? No matter how good I feel, a part of me is ALWAYS dead! I can’t remember myself without this rotting piece in my soul. But how can I kill this monster without killing myself?

During my last session before Christmas with my therapist, she asked me a question that keeps haunting me. “How do you imagine your perfect life?”
It took some time for me to answer. In a beautiful Victorian gothic house somewhere in my home state Wisconsin or another beautiful one like California or Louisiana, I answered. I’d have a young daughter, at least five dogs and a husband I would stay together with for the rest of my life- not because of the child, because of true, eternal love. We’d live in a small town to be able to have a huge garden and peace, but near a big city for shopping and whatever. I would have had graduated college (this tense is confusing) and now work with the FBI or something cool like that cuz that has ALWAYS been my dream job. Every Christmas , we’d fly to Germany and visit my sister there because I’m 100% sure she won’t want to come back to the United States. I’d be healthy, happy, and of course, still vegan and a goth girl like I’ve always been. And I would have a family. Finally.
I wish I had this life, but I actually don’t think I’ll ever make this dream come true. There is no cure, no eternal love and no great life for me out there.
We’re born alone and we die alone and what happens in between is only a illusion we create to feel like we belong somewhere and to someone, but we don’t. We all live our own life and it will always end up the same way:
Dead and alone, forever.
And I don’t think I can make it through at least 50 more years until then. No matter how damn hard I’ll try to stay strong. Right now I’m still trying, but I’m not sure for how long I’ll keep doing that…

No conscience but an addiction to pain

The last few days were really strange and it seems like normality doesn’t want to show up again. My mood goes up and down like a roller coaster. And the most important thing is that I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I’ve changed and I’m not sure if in a good or a bad way. Until yesterday, I didn’t even realize it. I’ve turned into a girl I never wanted to be. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing? I love the the ones that hurt me and hurt the ones that love me. Why?
When I was small, I only had three rules for my life: no drugs (no matter if legal or illegal), no betrayal and I promised myself to marry the one man I wanted to be with forever and have kids with. I broke every single rule.
That’s the strange thing about my behavior: when my disorders take over me, I harm myself, when I feel good, I harm others. It’s like I can’t live without causing pain.
And even worse: I never regret anything. The only moments when I experience regret is when it’s got to do something with food. (Like eating ‘too much’)
Is the only love I’m capable of the love for my sister?
I fucking hate being unaware, but I don’t have a clue about myself.
Yesterday, I betrayed my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 months so far and we didn’t have sex yet because I can’t sleep with anyone without drugs like alcohol or weed (reason: rape) and he didn’t want to have sex with me in that way and I was so happy to finally have a guy who’s able to wait. The last guy I had fucked another girl because I didn’t want it with him.
And now, for the very first time in my life I have such an honest guy and then I do something like this! Dear conscience, why don’t you exist in my life? Afterwards, I realized I had made a mistake, but I didn’t care and we had our fun for the second time. That’s what I don’t understand: I don’t want to hurt him, but I do it anyway and don’t even feel bad about it! I even promised my best friend I’d never sleep with him because she had already done that and for some reason I don’t understand she doesn’t want two girls to have sex with the same guy. She made out with me, her best friend, but she cares about something like that? She doesn’t even know the man we both had sex with, only his name and that he is really, really good in the bedroom although he doesn’t look that good.
I mean, he wasn’t that good that I was able to have an orgasm, but actually the only person who was ever able to cause an orgasm in my body was myself.
Which is pretty sad.
I never wanted to hurt the very first honest guy in my life, but I did it anyway without regretting it. I’ll do it again tomorrow because I’ll celebrate Sylvester with the same man and we’ll definitely drink something and then we’ll both want each other again. (Although we both don’t have feelings and would never want to have a relationship- it’s more like in ‘friends with benefits’ without the romantic ending.)
I’m addicted to causing pain. If I don’t hurt myself, I hurt others and I’m not sure which one is worse because I only hurt the ones who don’t deserve it.
I’m a slut, okay. But I never wanted to become this bad person I am today.
All I’ve wanted was to be the good girl my parents always wanted me to become.
But the opposite happened.
Now I have a couple of mental disorders and a trauma, lost my best friend, hurt myself and others, betray, cheat, drink, smoke and lie. I started to do drugs to be a rebel because my mom always controlled everything I did, but then I suddenly couldn’t stop and it became even worse. The disorders are already bad enough and I make it even worse with this behavior!
Guess I’ve lost myself some years ago.
At the beginning, I wanted to be happy, then thin, then perfect, then different than others, then a bad girl and then I wanted to be dead. And all these goals still exist in my head. Now I realized most of these things are no goals, but only a way to destroy myself and the people in my life. Still I’m not able to stop.
I tried, yes, but I can’t! I need to see the pain I cause. Right now I remember that my boyfriend knows about my blog and may read this post, but I smile while thinking about that! I like to imagine the hurt feeling in this dark eyes…
I’m a bad person and I lost myself, but I don’t regret anything at all.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
Yesterday I was able to eat and didn’t harm myself and felt good and then I betrayed my boyfriend and my best friend, too.
I’m honestly the most confusing person I’ve ever met.
Nothing in my head makes any sense.
And then I wonder why I always stay alone in the end.
Nonsense. Sometimes I wish there was a God who could help me, but he never was and never will be. Just an illusion mankind created to give themselves some hope. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to make it through.
Wait. If that’s the definition of what a God is useful for, my pills are my Gods.
Lol. I imagine myself praying to my colorful little pills… I’m getting crazier every day…

I feel like a chameleon in a bag of skittles: confused like shit.

Grief is back

It just happened. I sat there and read a book (Wintergirls) and suddenly I started to slip away. I had tears in my eyes and I didn’t know why. Then I realized it. I felt this pain again. I don’t know anything worse than losing a person you love, there’s no pain compared to it. Fuck every single trauma and disorder and whatever, loss is so much worse. It’s taking my breath away because it hurts like hell. How can I describe this feeling? There’s an invisible hand pulling me down to the bottom and it slits through my skin and grabs my heart, but doesn’t rip it out of my chest. The hand keeps holding my still beating heart and slowly squashes it. And whenever it notices that I’m dying, it lets go and waits until I’ve gotten better and then… Repeats the torture. Again and again.

People told me time would heal these wounds, but why do they still hurt the way they did when it happened? Nothing has healed! My therapist said it would be because of all my disorders and I’d have to recover first. But will I ever recover? I can’t do this without you! Where are you and why did you go somewhere I can’t bring you back? Why? I’m not mad at you, I never was. I’m hurting and more disappointed and sad than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Not to blame you for all this, but yes, you made my mental condition get much worse. You fucking pinky promised me you would never ever do that without me! You said you’d never leave me. Was it so easy to break the most important promise we both had ever made? I tried to stay strong and believe me, it’s been a though time. But we could have done this. Together. I trusted you with my heart and my soul and EVERYTHING. You said you didn’t have anyone, but what about me? Am I no one? Did you just erase me from your life? You know, sometimes it still feels so unrealistic. After many months of staying away, I went back to our favorite place some weeks ago. Nothing had changed there. But everything had changed inside of me. And I sat there and I actually expected you to come around with your cute smile and adorable eyes, just like you always did. I expected you to sit down next to me and give me a hug and then tell me about your day while you were drinking another coffee. And then you had one of your sudden emotional blow-ups that never had a real reason and we talked for hours until you were able to calm down again. We always catched each other when one of us fell. I had never had a friendship like the one we had before and I never experienced it afterwards. I don’t think I ever will. At the beginning, I dreamt of you almost every night, but even the dreams have stopped. You’re completely gone.

Likes | Tumblr

Sometimes, I still see your silhouette in the middle of a crowded place and then I don’t know if I should smile or cry. The worst thing is the fact that nobody can replace a dead person. No one is like you. Some tried to comfort me with fine words, but it didn’t work because I always knew they were lying. Believe me, I tried to find someone to replace you in my heart, but it’s impossible! It’s crazy that you only actually value someone when they’re dead. It’s always so normal, natural and taken for granted that this person is there. And when they’re gone, you suddenly start to realize that’s an illusion. Life can be so imperishable and sometimes so fragile. It may be able to survive the worst wars or it fades away when you don’t see the small car coming from the other side. Your mom said we all should have seen it coming it because you had always been so sick. Is that true? Should I’ve known you were gonna die? I didn’t because I believed in your strength. Obviously, I was wrong. I can’t get you back. The day you slipped away was the day that I found it won’t be the same… I don’t believe in heaven and hell, so I don’t have a clue where you are right now. All I can do is hope you’re doing fine there and you’ll have an eye on me and maybe, we’ll meet again some day. Maybe very soon, maybe in a 100 years, who knows.

🚬🔫

I heard somebody is not dead as long as you keep them in your heart and eternally love and remember them. The love makes them stay alive, inside of you. Where is this love? All I feel is the pain. And it won’t go away. Damn, I wish you were here. I need you. You’re the good in my life and without it, there’s an awful lot of darkness. You’re so far away from me and it’s so sad that I can’t even remember the sound of your voice anymore. Part of me wishes I could erase every memory I have of you because I don’t want to face reality. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t. I still remember the first time we met and talked and still see you right here, next to me. It’s a pain that never fades away. There’s nothing else left. Moving on is so fucking hard after everything that happened. My whole world is so fucked up. Completely. I need to feel your presence, need to know you’re here.

But you’re not.

Untitled