Beautiful Pain

Our life was a shooting star
That burned out way too fast
And all the memories
Of a dream that’s built to last
Don’t wanna wait for my next panic attack
Don’t wanna wait for my next crash

It’s a beautiful pain
When I remember the good times
When I remember the gone
It’s a beautiful pain
When I let go of the heartache
When I let go of your heart

All the times that I keep holding onto
Even though you’re gone
And the nights that I keep holding back the tears
I hope you found what you’re looking for

I pray that you’re happy now
You’re never looking back
Rest with the angels now
Heaven’s gate you left

Don’t wanna wait cause you’re never coming back
Don’t wanna wait for the last dance

It’s a beautiful pain
When I remember the good times
When I remember the gone
It’s a beautiful pain
When I let go of the heartache
When I let go of your heart

All the times that I keep holding onto
Even though you’re gone
And the nights that I keep holding back the tears
I hope you found what you’re looking for

– original lyrics by Andy Biersack

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For Blue Skies

It’s been four long years
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
I never believed you
I only wanted to
lies, life, and good image
Before all of this
What did I miss?
smile, fake, and skins image
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
black and white, sadness, and boy image
I’m under that night
I’m under those stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
car, cool, and city image
Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?
skins, suicide, and Effy image
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
suicide, american horror story, and black and white image
What you couldn’t do I will
I forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I forgive you
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you
quote, let go, and snow image

Trying to move on

I really don’t know what to tell you. I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in my sadness. It’s like everything is frozen, my mind is cracked, my soul is numb.
Today I texted a friend and she said something that keeps haunting my thoughts.
This is not how we were supposed to be. How our life was supposed to be.
And I agree with her even though I hate to because.. She’s right. I don’t know what happened to us. When did we go down like this? When did we lose ourselves this way? How could this happen? How could the pain get so bad that Leo had to choose suicide for her release? Why did we break?
Look at us today. So young and yet so damaged.
I wish I was able to write something inspiring and poetic or pathetic or whatever, just something that makes sense somehow and sounds good, but I really can’t. None of this shit makes sense. There is no cure for the pain. We have to fix ourselves, probably we have to move on to do that, but most of us can’t. We need to figure out a way to live with it, with this hole in our hearts. But how?
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.
You know, it’s weird. It’s been 2 1/2 years since and still there are days when I completely break down because I can’t take a world without you in it.
It’s so sad, I can’t even remember the sound of your voice anymore. The memories are fading away and even though I actually somehow want to move on, a part of me can’t and tries to hold on even though there’s no chance. I was once told it hurts so much because it was real. I don’t understand what that means. All I know is that I have to move on and let go. Not for me, for Jamie. I’ll have a baby in November.
A new beginning.
Another chance.
A new life.
Not as the sicko, as a mother.
And therefore, I need to be healthy. I need to recover.
For my child and for our future together.
Believe me, I do try and struggle as hard as possible. Whenever I feel the pain coming, I try to distract myself in any way possible and I focus on the positive things and my skills and people who are still alive and I can hold on to, but whenever I just take a short break to relieve, the sadness rushes into me like a wave that tears apart everything fragile in its way. Everything beautiful made of sand is being torn apart.
Turns to ashes. And there’s nothing left but the dark wasteland of eternity.
Why is it so hard to let go? Why can’t anything fill this hole?
I need to make it through, for god’s sake! I need to move on. Let go. Start fresh. Be someone new. I know I can do it. I just need to figure out a strategy.
Okay.
Breathe.
One.
Two.
Three.
It’s okay.
It’s all over.
I’m alive.
Jamie is alive.
Four.
Five.
I’ll be happy.
We will be happy.
I can do this.
I can let go.
For my child.