A whole new life

These days I’ve had those moments when I had to hold my breath for a second and pinch myself to make sure I was awake. To make sure what was happening was real. Have you ever thought about where you stood right now, right at this moment, a year ago, or even longer? Have you ever realized how much can change in such a period of time? A moment in your life can change everything. Literally. It’s just a second, just a blink, and nothing is the way it was before. I’ve experienced that before when my best friend died and it was like everything fell apart in just this one tiny second, so fragile and short, but still so powerful, and two weeks ago it happened again- but in a positive way.
I’m a mother now. Can you imagine that? Can you, like, you know, realize it? Because I still can’t. That moment, that tiny second, when my son was born, when I heard his first cry, saw him lying there on that towel, wet and bloody as he’d just come out of my body, that changed everything. I’m still the same person I was before November 25 (4:30 AM, to be precise), but somehow I’m also someone else. Before the life changing Wednesday I was this insecure girl, pregnant and feeling kind of lost and lonely in this world, and now it’s like I’ve aged ten years in just one night. I’ve always been more mature than others my age, but this time it’s different. I am a mother now. This feeling is so incredible that it becomes ineffable. Knowing that this little human being in your arms that looks at you with its big dark beautiful eyes is yours is the most beautiful feeling in the world. And the most overwhelming one. Last week I actually cried as I held him because I was so happy I couldn’t take it. That little boy in the crib is mine. My son. My child. What do I feel when I say those words? I can’t describe it. All I can say is that even though I’ve never been more tired and exhausted, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve him after all the shit in my life. He’s too good, too innocent, too beautiful, too sweet, charming and adorable.
I know I’ve been a good mother so far, but still I keep doubting what I do all the time. Will I make everything right? Will I be able to give him what he needs, afford him the life he deserves? Will I teach and tell him the right things and keep him from making the same mistakes I’ve made? Will he have what I never had? Will he be able to enjoy a blithe, unburdened youth? Will I be able to protect him from the demons that almost killed me? There’s so much joy and so much fear in my heart at the same time. I’ve never been so scared of failing before. He’s the most beautiful baby boy in the world and he deserves the very best, but will I be able to give it to him? There is so much responsibility weighing on my shoulders right now and I know I can bear it right now, but will it stay this way?
I’m feeling torn apart inside between who I’m becoming and who I was. I’m becoming a good, mature, grown, responsible mother wearing blouses and pumps while there’s still the insecure goth girl in the back of my mind, slowly fading, turning into nothing but a memory. 

Having children truly ends adolescence. We are all either parents or children: responsibility-takers or those who demand from others. – Ben Shapiro

Right now, at this moment, exactly two years ago, I was at a youth center. They called it a therapeutic residential care facility for youths, but that’s not what it was. Right now I was probably cutting myself again, so deep that today, two years later, the scars are still thick, deep, visible and perceptible. And shameful. Back then I was wearing only black (even on lips and eyelids) and stuck in my eating disorder that caused me daily cardiac arrhythmia and black outs, not to forget the depression that made me plan my suicide. And now? I’m sitting here. At home. A new home, with my mother, sister and son. And I’m actually feeling happy and healthy. It’s like a dream. A beautiful dream. Of all the expectations I had when it came to my future, this was so not one of them. I would have never thought I’d actually end up this way and I’m scared everything might fall apart the next second because I might not even deserve this beautiful gift. Even Jamie’s father (I named my son Jamie, btw) promised to support us. HE wants to support us- the guy who didn’t even call or message me ONCE in nine months! I can’t believe that either. 
I cant believe any of the things happening right now. This is just too good after all the shit I’ve experienced. Is this what recovery feels like? Because it’s the damn best feeling I’ve ever had.

Dreams and reality

The current topic in my therapy because my therapist says I’m a dreamer and I need to accept the fact that my dreams may fail and I may need a plan B. But do I really need to accept that? Do I need to accept the fact that I may fail? That I actually may be a failure? Why should I do that? Why should I tell myself I may not reach my goals? It’s strange, you know. People always say you need dreams and they’re never too high and you need to hold on to them and they all can come true if you really want it and work hard for it. But once you do that, you’re an illusionist. That’s the rub of all this, isn’t it? You’re told to be yourself and then you’re judged. People can’t keep their words. My therapist asked me today: what if a real fortune teller came to you and told you you won’t reach the goals you set yourself for your future? I guess my answer surprised him: I would do anything to prove him wrong. He responded: but what if he was right and you couldn’t do anything about it? And I said: I would never accept that. I would never give up until I’d made sure I’d done anything I could possibly have to reach my goals. No matter how unrealistic. Some people call me a fighter because of that, others an idiot. But I don’t care. Any dream is realistic that can physically be turned into reality. Wanting a real unicorn is as unrealistic as wanting stupidity to no longer exist, but why can’t a black boy wish to become president? Why can’t a little Neill want to see the moon? Why can’t I move to the continent where I belong in three years and go to college then- though I don’t have any money yet? Why shouldn’t I find a way? That’s the same with revolutions. It’s always a small stupid dream at the beginning until somebody stands up and works as hard as possible to turn it into a new kind of reality. Yeah, I wanna go to a $ 30,000 college even though I don’t have any money right now. Why shouldn’t I find a way? Why should I fail? And I told my therapist: I’m never gonna accept that. Maybe I’m an illusionist because there is no plan B for me and the only possible future is in my eyes the one others call a dream. Of course I’m scared of failing. But I will never accept the possibility for the fear to come true. Everyone keeps telling me I need to live reality, but if reality means giving up on dreams I’ll stay in my world of illusions.

I have reached so much. When I came here last year, I couldn’t imagine to skip purging for a week after I’d done it for four years. And now? I haven’t thrown up by myself in six months and don’t miss it either. I’ve gone through hell to come to where I am today. Yes, I’m scared. But after everything I’ve reached so far, I’ll never give up again before I got what I want. Because I’ve seen I can do it. And I won’t let some doctors who are unhappy with their lives stop me from getting what I want. No matter how hard it’s gonna be and how many doubts I’ll have. It’s never been easy for me anyway. But I’ve always been smarter and stronger than the others. Like the great J. F. Kennedy said: Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. And I did fail miserably. Now it’s time for part two to happen.

Fear of failure

You know, I have a very concrete plan of my future. I’m a planning person.
One of those people who can’t work without knowing what they’re doing it for. One of those people who can’t struggle without knowing the finish line.
I can’t live without knowing what I’m fighting for.
So I planned my future very detailed. High school graduation in 2016 (now 2018 because of all the stupid psychiatries and that stuff) and starting college fall 2016 (now 2018) or spring 2017 (now 2019). A good college, state doesn’t matter (just not Texas, Alaska or Hawaii), tuition/ tax/ whatever it’s called when it comes to college with room costs and that stuff no chance higher than 25,000 per year, if possible less than 20,000. Elementary school teaching. And then? Finding a job as a elementary school teacher in some nice city and start a family once I’ve found real love.
That’s the plan, but I feel like it’s all starting to fall apart even though there’s still so much time left. It’s just not enough.
I’m so incredibly fucking scared my plan won’t work out. There’s no plan B, just some stupid dreams like getting a scholarship or becoming an FBI agent or a super star.
But no alternative to what I’ve planned. I can’t imagine changing it.
THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME.
But now?
I’m still in therapy, pregnant and without any money. So what am I gonna do?
I really am looking forward to childbirth, but I’m scared of the life I’ll lead then.
I’m scared of failing, not being good enough, not being a good mother.
And even though that’s hard to say because I feel like I’m insulting my child, I’m scared I’ll fuck up my future because of having a child. I’m scared motherhood might ruin all my chances.
I know there are plenty of colleges with child program for young parents, but that’s fucking expensive and I don’t have the money and I don’t even know if it’s so easy to get into such a program at college. I don’t even know if any college will ever want me, and now with a child? And what if I’ll find a college, but then I’ll fuck it up by having bad grades or not enough points of whatever?
What if I won’t get my degree? And I’ll have spent thousands of dollars I don’t even have for nothing? Or I won’t even be able to attend college cuz I won’t find a job and the necessary support to pay it?
And even worse- what if I won’t even be able to take these steps cuz I won’t make my high school graduation? What if it will all be too much for me and in the worst case scenario, I’ll break down and have to go into another hospital? What will happen then?
I’ll be the worst mom ever. Will I be that?
I really wanna do this, but I don’t know if I can. There are so many possible fails and what ifs. What if one of them will catch me? What if I’ll fail? What will be then?
I wanna become a good mother. I wanna make it through.
But am I capable of all this? Is it even possible for me?
Can I do this? Or will I fail?
I’m so scared.
Nobody believes in me. Nobody ever did. I used to not care about that, but now I do.
I feel so stupid for thinking I’ll make any of this. Everybody says I won’t make it, so why should I anyway? How am I supposed to make any of this? HOW?

picture