When memories burn like acid

I recently re-discovered some old tracks I used to listen to years ago. The type of music no longer appeals to me at all, but music always has a very deep and personal meaning to me, so as soon as those songs started, I couldn’t help but break down. I wanted to cry harder than I have in years because I haven’t been able to cry and felt like I needed this relief because there was so much pain inside of me again as I listened to this music, but I couldn’t. I wanted the tears to take this heavy weight off my chest, but even though I started crying, no tears fell.

There was a time (2 1/2 ago, to be exact) when I cried really, really much because I finally faced losing my friend in 2012 after swallowing the grief for such a long time. So for a while, I cried constantly when I was alone, but before and afterwards… No matter how sad or depressed I was or am, there are no tears. Sometimes I manage to cry at least for a few seconds or minutes (if I’m lucky), but my eyes stay dry and it drives me crazy. When my depression started at the age of twelve, it made me cry so much and I considered all the crying a burden, but now I wish I could cry when I feel bad. It’s like crying so much back then used up all of the tears I had available and now my storage is just empty. I feel tears stinging on all kinds of occasions revolving around memories, sadness or anger, but they are always too stubborn to fall. Today I realize that having those drops roll down your cheeks isn’t annoying or unnecessary- it’s actually relieving and might make you look horrible, but also feel better afterwards.

And now that I’m no longer able to do it regardless of how hard I try by triggering myself with the things that really make me break down and feel like crap, all I get is deep and heavy sadness I’ve hidden for a really long time that makes it all even worse. Maybe the problem is that I never truly dealt with the pain inside of me. It’s all hidden under the surface inside of me and I always carefully cover it with other emotions, but I never figure out a way to handle it because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. It’s so much and I can’t just take out one piece at a time. If I let it in, I let it all in and then I can’t stand it anymore and it all gets too much again and I turn it off to turn it into emptiness and numbness again.

But the numbness is the worst part. The numbness is why I harmed and almost killed myself. The pain is horrible, but there is nothing worse than being alive and breathing, but feeling like you’ve already died a long time ago, like you need to see your skin bleed and your body cringe in pain to make sure you’re still capable of feeling something- anything. Is there even a way to deal with the pain once and for all without letting it take over or destroy myself? Is there a way to take it away without replacing it with something else? Is there a way of letting go of it without feeling like there’s a hole inside of me, like I’m incomplete? They say the past is only there to fuck you up, but is there a way to move on from the past when I’m forced to face it every day? Is there a way to live with the memories when they hurt so much that you feel like you don’t have any air left to breathe in your lungs? Is the happiness we all want really existent and, most importantly, will it ever be able to become a part of my life? Because right now, whenever I feel happy, something (usually me, my past or my disorders) is right around the corner to beat me up again. And yes, I’m fighting it every day, but I don’t remember what I’m fighting for. I do have goals and dreams, but it’s starting to feel like I’ll never have a chance when I can’t even overcome the stuff in my own head.

doctor, words, and gif image

I’m screaming internally, hoping for a break, for tears to fall, for my being to rupture so I can collapse, but there is nothing.
Sometimes I feel like all of this stuff in my mind has turned me into a ghost of who I pretend to be, a faded memory of what I could have been if I’d been stronger. Weakness. Emptiness. Pain. But a smile on my lips.

black, screaming, and crying image

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Temper tantrum + howling attackĀ 

Had one of those again today. Again because I’ve already been through this crap yesterday. The problem is that there was not really a reason for it. Everything is overwhelming me these days. And by everything, I mean everything. I get mad and moody all the time and then suddenly, I totally freak out because of something totally ridiculous. Today, I cried for ten minutes because I’d ruined my laptop. Well, actually it wasn’t because of that, that was just the trigger, the final straw. The real problem is that I feel like everything has slipped out of my hands. My whole life and world. I need the control and right now I’ve definitely lost it completely. And that’s what drives me crazy and I don’t know what to do about it. I do everything to calm myself down and keep calm as well, but it doesn’t seem to help. After a few hours, I flip again. This is so fucking exhausting. A mix of BPD, depression and pregnancy and all those things I can’t handle at once. But I don’t have a choice; I gotta keep going and keep trying and all this shit because I need to make it through. I need to do this. For my family and my child and at some point, also for myself. I just wish it wasn’t this hard.

crying, himym, and lol image