In love with the ex

No, I’m not talking about the guy I dumbed in February and also not about the one in January. I was in love with neither of them. They just made me feel safe, loved and secure. Actually I’m talking about the man I broke up with in November 2013.
Yeah, pretty long time ago. Why am I still missing him? I recently had to face the truth: I’ve always loved him. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved and also the only one I ever told those three words because only when I was with him… It was true. I used to think it was the right decision to call it off, but assuming that was such a great mistake.
I shouldn’t have let him down. No, he’s not perfect at all and during the past two years I’ve met three other guys and I’m pretty sure they’re all better for me than he is and he’s got more mistakes than any of the others, but somehow I still love this man.
I mean, why? He’s the only one I’ve ever been with who’s even crazier than me (he has schizophrenia) and he’s not sexy or handsome and so fucking complicated and a liar and doesn’t even have a real job. But the heart wants what it wants and now I finally admitted I’ve always wanted HIM. Maybe he’s the one for me, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I’ll never figure that out as long as I stay away from him.
So I invited him to Starbucks for Sunday. Sort of a date. Even though I don’t even know if he’s single right now. I mean, he always has some slutty chick because he can’t be alone- he never loves any of them, but somehow I think that he loved me and I hope he still does that because I’m sure he still did it in spring 2014. Almost a year passed since then, but all I can do is hope that his feelings for me didn’t fade.
I’m scared of seeing him because it would be the like biggest disappointment ever if I ran back to him and he didn’t want me, but I’d rather go through that than never know if there’s still something between the two of us. I hate running after someone.
I never do that. It’s just not me. But this time I don’t have a choice. For once in my life, I really love someone. I’ve been knowing him for 3 years so far and I’ve been in love with him for 2 and we once were a couple and even though we didn’t even have sex (!!!!) it was actually the BEST relationship in my fucking whole life. Isn’t that crazy?
If I hadn’t lost my mind a decade ago, he would have made me lose it.
He’s just driving me crazy. Yeah, I recently talked about this perfect guy who looks and acts and actually is perfect for me, but I faced the truth and that means that I only fancied him. Because, you know, he’s just the personification of my dream prince.
No real feelings. Not at all. I’m complicated because of my borderline syndrome when it comes to feelings, but that’s the like only thing I know for sure.
That the only man I’ve ever loved was the one I’ll see on Sunday.
I hope so bad he still wants me. If not, my heart will be broken for the first time in my life and you may understand that I don’t really want that. Although… No. Forget it.
I’ll see him. In two days. And then we’ll see. I need him so bad.
I’m such a stupid naive girl. Why do I want him? WHY?
There are so many better guys! And furthermore, I actually have my own problems and they are already enough struggle and stress for me! I self harmed again by hitting my shin against the wall cuz I swore to never cut myself again because of the damn scars.
And I purged some food too because I just can’t live with my body. Not with THIS body. I have a normal weight and to me, that’s like the worst state of obesity. Adiposity. No, even worse. And even though I have way more serious problems, all I can think about is him again since I dreamt of him some days ago. No matter how hard I try to keep him out of my life, he somehow manages to stay in my heart.
Stupid heart.

No conscience but an addiction to pain

The last few days were really strange and it seems like normality doesn’t want to show up again. My mood goes up and down like a roller coaster. And the most important thing is that I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I’ve changed and I’m not sure if in a good or a bad way. Until yesterday, I didn’t even realize it. I’ve turned into a girl I never wanted to be. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing? I love the the ones that hurt me and hurt the ones that love me. Why?
When I was small, I only had three rules for my life: no drugs (no matter if legal or illegal), no betrayal and I promised myself to marry the one man I wanted to be with forever and have kids with. I broke every single rule.
That’s the strange thing about my behavior: when my disorders take over me, I harm myself, when I feel good, I harm others. It’s like I can’t live without causing pain.
And even worse: I never regret anything. The only moments when I experience regret is when it’s got to do something with food. (Like eating ‘too much’)
Is the only love I’m capable of the love for my sister?
I fucking hate being unaware, but I don’t have a clue about myself.
Yesterday, I betrayed my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 months so far and we didn’t have sex yet because I can’t sleep with anyone without drugs like alcohol or weed (reason: rape) and he didn’t want to have sex with me in that way and I was so happy to finally have a guy who’s able to wait. The last guy I had fucked another girl because I didn’t want it with him.
And now, for the very first time in my life I have such an honest guy and then I do something like this! Dear conscience, why don’t you exist in my life? Afterwards, I realized I had made a mistake, but I didn’t care and we had our fun for the second time. That’s what I don’t understand: I don’t want to hurt him, but I do it anyway and don’t even feel bad about it! I even promised my best friend I’d never sleep with him because she had already done that and for some reason I don’t understand she doesn’t want two girls to have sex with the same guy. She made out with me, her best friend, but she cares about something like that? She doesn’t even know the man we both had sex with, only his name and that he is really, really good in the bedroom although he doesn’t look that good.
I mean, he wasn’t that good that I was able to have an orgasm, but actually the only person who was ever able to cause an orgasm in my body was myself.
Which is pretty sad.
I never wanted to hurt the very first honest guy in my life, but I did it anyway without regretting it. I’ll do it again tomorrow because I’ll celebrate Sylvester with the same man and we’ll definitely drink something and then we’ll both want each other again. (Although we both don’t have feelings and would never want to have a relationship- it’s more like in ‘friends with benefits’ without the romantic ending.)
I’m addicted to causing pain. If I don’t hurt myself, I hurt others and I’m not sure which one is worse because I only hurt the ones who don’t deserve it.
I’m a slut, okay. But I never wanted to become this bad person I am today.
All I’ve wanted was to be the good girl my parents always wanted me to become.
But the opposite happened.
Now I have a couple of mental disorders and a trauma, lost my best friend, hurt myself and others, betray, cheat, drink, smoke and lie. I started to do drugs to be a rebel because my mom always controlled everything I did, but then I suddenly couldn’t stop and it became even worse. The disorders are already bad enough and I make it even worse with this behavior!
Guess I’ve lost myself some years ago.
At the beginning, I wanted to be happy, then thin, then perfect, then different than others, then a bad girl and then I wanted to be dead. And all these goals still exist in my head. Now I realized most of these things are no goals, but only a way to destroy myself and the people in my life. Still I’m not able to stop.
I tried, yes, but I can’t! I need to see the pain I cause. Right now I remember that my boyfriend knows about my blog and may read this post, but I smile while thinking about that! I like to imagine the hurt feeling in this dark eyes…
I’m a bad person and I lost myself, but I don’t regret anything at all.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
Yesterday I was able to eat and didn’t harm myself and felt good and then I betrayed my boyfriend and my best friend, too.
I’m honestly the most confusing person I’ve ever met.
Nothing in my head makes any sense.
And then I wonder why I always stay alone in the end.
Nonsense. Sometimes I wish there was a God who could help me, but he never was and never will be. Just an illusion mankind created to give themselves some hope. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to make it through.
Wait. If that’s the definition of what a God is useful for, my pills are my Gods.
Lol. I imagine myself praying to my colorful little pills… I’m getting crazier every day…

I feel like a chameleon in a bag of skittles: confused like shit.