No conscience but an addiction to pain

The last few days were really strange and it seems like normality doesn’t want to show up again. My mood goes up and down like a roller coaster. And the most important thing is that I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I’ve changed and I’m not sure if in a good or a bad way. Until yesterday, I didn’t even realize it. I’ve turned into a girl I never wanted to be. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing? I love the the ones that hurt me and hurt the ones that love me. Why?
When I was small, I only had three rules for my life: no drugs (no matter if legal or illegal), no betrayal and I promised myself to marry the one man I wanted to be with forever and have kids with. I broke every single rule.
That’s the strange thing about my behavior: when my disorders take over me, I harm myself, when I feel good, I harm others. It’s like I can’t live without causing pain.
And even worse: I never regret anything. The only moments when I experience regret is when it’s got to do something with food. (Like eating ‘too much’)
Is the only love I’m capable of the love for my sister?
I fucking hate being unaware, but I don’t have a clue about myself.
Yesterday, I betrayed my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 months so far and we didn’t have sex yet because I can’t sleep with anyone without drugs like alcohol or weed (reason: rape) and he didn’t want to have sex with me in that way and I was so happy to finally have a guy who’s able to wait. The last guy I had fucked another girl because I didn’t want it with him.
And now, for the very first time in my life I have such an honest guy and then I do something like this! Dear conscience, why don’t you exist in my life? Afterwards, I realized I had made a mistake, but I didn’t care and we had our fun for the second time. That’s what I don’t understand: I don’t want to hurt him, but I do it anyway and don’t even feel bad about it! I even promised my best friend I’d never sleep with him because she had already done that and for some reason I don’t understand she doesn’t want two girls to have sex with the same guy. She made out with me, her best friend, but she cares about something like that? She doesn’t even know the man we both had sex with, only his name and that he is really, really good in the bedroom although he doesn’t look that good.
I mean, he wasn’t that good that I was able to have an orgasm, but actually the only person who was ever able to cause an orgasm in my body was myself.
Which is pretty sad.
I never wanted to hurt the very first honest guy in my life, but I did it anyway without regretting it. I’ll do it again tomorrow because I’ll celebrate Sylvester with the same man and we’ll definitely drink something and then we’ll both want each other again. (Although we both don’t have feelings and would never want to have a relationship- it’s more like in ‘friends with benefits’ without the romantic ending.)
I’m addicted to causing pain. If I don’t hurt myself, I hurt others and I’m not sure which one is worse because I only hurt the ones who don’t deserve it.
I’m a slut, okay. But I never wanted to become this bad person I am today.
All I’ve wanted was to be the good girl my parents always wanted me to become.
But the opposite happened.
Now I have a couple of mental disorders and a trauma, lost my best friend, hurt myself and others, betray, cheat, drink, smoke and lie. I started to do drugs to be a rebel because my mom always controlled everything I did, but then I suddenly couldn’t stop and it became even worse. The disorders are already bad enough and I make it even worse with this behavior!
Guess I’ve lost myself some years ago.
At the beginning, I wanted to be happy, then thin, then perfect, then different than others, then a bad girl and then I wanted to be dead. And all these goals still exist in my head. Now I realized most of these things are no goals, but only a way to destroy myself and the people in my life. Still I’m not able to stop.
I tried, yes, but I can’t! I need to see the pain I cause. Right now I remember that my boyfriend knows about my blog and may read this post, but I smile while thinking about that! I like to imagine the hurt feeling in this dark eyes…
I’m a bad person and I lost myself, but I don’t regret anything at all.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
Yesterday I was able to eat and didn’t harm myself and felt good and then I betrayed my boyfriend and my best friend, too.
I’m honestly the most confusing person I’ve ever met.
Nothing in my head makes any sense.
And then I wonder why I always stay alone in the end.
Nonsense. Sometimes I wish there was a God who could help me, but he never was and never will be. Just an illusion mankind created to give themselves some hope. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to make it through.
Wait. If that’s the definition of what a God is useful for, my pills are my Gods.
Lol. I imagine myself praying to my colorful little pills… I’m getting crazier every day…

I feel like a chameleon in a bag of skittles: confused like shit.