Staying strong

I’ve had a few tough days. We spent the weekend in a nice hotel up in the mountains and Jamie (my son) caught a bad cold he still hasn’t been able to get rid of. Which turns him into a daylong grumpy cat. So my nerves are quite frazzled. Also I’m still struggling with all my stupid anxieties even though I’ve already figured out most things about my near future. I’ll start finishing the school year at the end of the month, hopefully pass the final exams with good grades, drop out of school for a year and return in September 2017 to finally graduate the stupid high school. You know, if my life would be and would have always been normal, I’d be done with that crap next year. But because this is my life and it’s not that normal and easy, I’ll need three more school years after my one-year break. And I really need that break. Finishing school at home is too expensive and difficult and I can’t miss Jamie’s first year. The first crawling, words and steps are way too important. Every day, he makes another progress and continuously changes and I can’t miss half of it by spending half the day at school. Not as long as he’s a baby. When I’ll return, he’ll be 22 months old and already a toddler. It will still be terrible for me to be gone half the day from Monday to Friday, but I’ll make it. I just can’t do that as long as he’s so small. He needs me and I need him. Taking a break won’t take away my fears, but it will at least lower them a little bit.

evanescence, Lyrics, and lacrymosa image

Of course, my future is not the only thing that worries me. I’m still struggling with all that weight, mood and relapse stuff. I know I’m not relapsing, but I’m scared I will. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my entire life, but still I feel so fragile sometimes. I don’t say it out loud, but my body starts to terrify me. I’m not overweight, but because I was pregnant and gave birth, I’m definitely not skinny anymore. I wasn’t underweight (not since 2013), but the sex appeal my body used to have is gone. There is fat, stretch marks and everything is plumb, soft and flabby. I don’t tell anyone, but it scares me. I’ve stopped looking into the mirror expect for putting on makeup sometimes and I could cry when I look at my belly. Jamie was worth it, of course, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but this is horrible anyway. I’m a whole size bigger, because of my huge boobs sometimes even two sizes. And my weight is so terrible for me (even though I don’t know it because seeing the number on the scale would totally bring the eating disorder back I’ve fought so hard against for years) that I’m scared I might get depressed again. I’m sad sometimes (which I know is perfectly normal), but depression hasn’t hit me in months and the longer I’m able to resist, the more I’m scared it might return. Isn’t that ridiculous? Shouldn’t I get stronger and happier every month while staying away from the disorder? Nothing makes sense anymore when I think about my mental illnesses. I know I’m strong. Stronger than most of the people I’ve met in my life. But will I always be this strong? Will I stay away from the voices, be the mother my son deserves?

So many worries

Do you know this feeling when you have a thousand thoughts on your mind and don’t even know with which one to start? That’s kinda how I feel right now.Let’s start with the most important thing: Jamie. I’ve been a mother for almost eight weeks now and I gotta say, I think I’m doing pretty good. Jamie is cuter than I could have ever imagined, continuously growing and gaining, he’s a good boy, doesn’t cry much and sleeps a lot at night. Of course he has vapors sometimes, can’t sleep, is grumpy or hungry all the time, but, hey, he’s a baby! That’s just part of having children. And I’m happier than I’ve ever been with him. Is it possible to recover so quickly from diseases I’ve had for so long and nearly destroyed me? I can’t even remember the last time I was depressed, haven’t thrown up on purpose or been suicidal in about a year and haven’t self harmed even longer. And I don’t feel the need to either. Just the ED thoughts… Well, they’ve come back. After you’ve given birth, of course you’ve gained some weight. That’s one of the pregnancy side effects (that’s how my midwife calls it). And I wanna lose that weight again. Which is, I guess, relatable. But since I had an episiotomy during childbirth (Jamie’s head wouldn’t have gone through otherwise), I couldn’t practice any workouts the first two months (hey, I couldn’t even sit on a chair without crying until Christmas!) and that made me feel even worse about my body. So today I did the first workouts again (after almost a year) and it felt like the ED thoughts had never been gone. They were there. Immediately. I did the first exercise and everything crashed down like a huge wave that buried me. All the fears, all the self-doubt, all the hatred. But I resisted. I kept telling myself: None of this is real. The eating disorder won’t help you, it will destroy you all over again. These thoughts aren’t mine, they’re sick and disturbed and terribly wrong. I’m struggling with my body really hard right now, but I won’t relapse. I haven’t come so far just to make all the old mistakes again. I haven’t reached so much to throw it all away. And I am responsible for my son whom I love more than anything and to be a good mother, I have to be healthy. He makes me so happy and I’m not gonna let some stupid disorder take all that happiness away from us. I will lose weight in a normal and healthy way. Without any stress. I’ll make it just like I’ve made everything else. But I’m scared of a relapse anyway. Very scared. The words relapse and recovery are so close and even though I’m strong, I’m not sure if I’ll always be able to stay this way.

But those are not the only things keeping my mind busy right now. Also I’m still more worried than ever about my future. I’ll have my 10th grade’s final exams (I’ll go to school again on February 29 and yes, I’m only in 10th grade because of stupid nuthouses) in a few months and I don’t know what I’m gonna do afterwards. Actually I planned on finishing high school at school and graduate there, but I now realized I can’t leave Jamie every morning for three more years. It’s already terrible enough that I’ll leave him from March until July (Monday – Friday, 7.30 AM – 2 PM) and I can’t do that any longer. Our nanny is great, but I wanna be with him. What if he’ll take his first steps while he’s with her? And what about his first words? What if I’ll miss all those important moments? I need to graduate high school, that’s 100% sure, but I wanna do it at home. There are only two problems: 1, the fees are €4140 / $4509 and 2, I’ll have to study at home without a teacher and a thousand distractions. So what he hell am I gonna do? I’m so fucking desperate. I just wish things were easy in my life- just once! Only once I wanna be one of those girls who don’t have to worry about anything. I mean, it’s not just the high school graduation, college is a problem as well. It’s fucking expensive, I don’t know if a college will accept me and if I’ll even get the necessary visa (and Jamie needs one too!). How the hell will I pay the flights? Where will we live? What about Jamie while I’ll be studying? I’m not even sure what to study. I can’t become a doctor, that would take way too long, I can’t study criminology because I won’t get a job and I’d like become a historician as well, but I don’t know if and which jobs are available there. But why am I even worrying about things so far away? I don’t even know if I’ll pass the exams in spring. Everything sucks right now- everything expect the beautiful little baby next to me.

A whole new life

These days I’ve had those moments when I had to hold my breath for a second and pinch myself to make sure I was awake. To make sure what was happening was real. Have you ever thought about where you stood right now, right at this moment, a year ago, or even longer? Have you ever realized how much can change in such a period of time? A moment in your life can change everything. Literally. It’s just a second, just a blink, and nothing is the way it was before. I’ve experienced that before when my best friend died and it was like everything fell apart in just this one tiny second, so fragile and short, but still so powerful, and two weeks ago it happened again- but in a positive way.
I’m a mother now. Can you imagine that? Can you, like, you know, realize it? Because I still can’t. That moment, that tiny second, when my son was born, when I heard his first cry, saw him lying there on that towel, wet and bloody as he’d just come out of my body, that changed everything. I’m still the same person I was before November 25 (4:30 AM, to be precise), but somehow I’m also someone else. Before the life changing Wednesday I was this insecure girl, pregnant and feeling kind of lost and lonely in this world, and now it’s like I’ve aged ten years in just one night. I’ve always been more mature than others my age, but this time it’s different. I am a mother now. This feeling is so incredible that it becomes ineffable. Knowing that this little human being in your arms that looks at you with its big dark beautiful eyes is yours is the most beautiful feeling in the world. And the most overwhelming one. Last week I actually cried as I held him because I was so happy I couldn’t take it. That little boy in the crib is mine. My son. My child. What do I feel when I say those words? I can’t describe it. All I can say is that even though I’ve never been more tired and exhausted, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve him after all the shit in my life. He’s too good, too innocent, too beautiful, too sweet, charming and adorable.
I know I’ve been a good mother so far, but still I keep doubting what I do all the time. Will I make everything right? Will I be able to give him what he needs, afford him the life he deserves? Will I teach and tell him the right things and keep him from making the same mistakes I’ve made? Will he have what I never had? Will he be able to enjoy a blithe, unburdened youth? Will I be able to protect him from the demons that almost killed me? There’s so much joy and so much fear in my heart at the same time. I’ve never been so scared of failing before. He’s the most beautiful baby boy in the world and he deserves the very best, but will I be able to give it to him? There is so much responsibility weighing on my shoulders right now and I know I can bear it right now, but will it stay this way?
I’m feeling torn apart inside between who I’m becoming and who I was. I’m becoming a good, mature, grown, responsible mother wearing blouses and pumps while there’s still the insecure goth girl in the back of my mind, slowly fading, turning into nothing but a memory. 

Having children truly ends adolescence. We are all either parents or children: responsibility-takers or those who demand from others. – Ben Shapiro

Right now, at this moment, exactly two years ago, I was at a youth center. They called it a therapeutic residential care facility for youths, but that’s not what it was. Right now I was probably cutting myself again, so deep that today, two years later, the scars are still thick, deep, visible and perceptible. And shameful. Back then I was wearing only black (even on lips and eyelids) and stuck in my eating disorder that caused me daily cardiac arrhythmia and black outs, not to forget the depression that made me plan my suicide. And now? I’m sitting here. At home. A new home, with my mother, sister and son. And I’m actually feeling happy and healthy. It’s like a dream. A beautiful dream. Of all the expectations I had when it came to my future, this was so not one of them. I would have never thought I’d actually end up this way and I’m scared everything might fall apart the next second because I might not even deserve this beautiful gift. Even Jamie’s father (I named my son Jamie, btw) promised to support us. HE wants to support us- the guy who didn’t even call or message me ONCE in nine months! I can’t believe that either. 
I cant believe any of the things happening right now. This is just too good after all the shit I’ve experienced. Is this what recovery feels like? Because it’s the damn best feeling I’ve ever had.