No, I’m not talking about the guy I dumbed in February and also not about the one in January. I was in love with neither of them. They just made me feel safe, loved and secure. Actually I’m talking about the man I broke up with in November 2013.
Yeah, pretty long time ago. Why am I still missing him? I recently had to face the truth: I’ve always loved him. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved and also the only one I ever told those three words because only when I was with him… It was true. I used to think it was the right decision to call it off, but assuming that was such a great mistake.
I shouldn’t have let him down. No, he’s not perfect at all and during the past two years I’ve met three other guys and I’m pretty sure they’re all better for me than he is and he’s got more mistakes than any of the others, but somehow I still love this man.
I mean, why? He’s the only one I’ve ever been with who’s even crazier than me (he has schizophrenia) and he’s not sexy or handsome and so fucking complicated and a liar and doesn’t even have a real job. But the heart wants what it wants and now I finally admitted I’ve always wanted HIM. Maybe he’s the one for me, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I’ll never figure that out as long as I stay away from him.
So I invited him to Starbucks for Sunday. Sort of a date. Even though I don’t even know if he’s single right now. I mean, he always has some slutty chick because he can’t be alone- he never loves any of them, but somehow I think that he loved me and I hope he still does that because I’m sure he still did it in spring 2014. Almost a year passed since then, but all I can do is hope that his feelings for me didn’t fade.
I’m scared of seeing him because it would be the like biggest disappointment ever if I ran back to him and he didn’t want me, but I’d rather go through that than never know if there’s still something between the two of us. I hate running after someone.
I never do that. It’s just not me. But this time I don’t have a choice. For once in my life, I really love someone. I’ve been knowing him for 3 years so far and I’ve been in love with him for 2 and we once were a couple and even though we didn’t even have sex (!!!!) it was actually the BEST relationship in my fucking whole life. Isn’t that crazy?
If I hadn’t lost my mind a decade ago, he would have made me lose it.
He’s just driving me crazy. Yeah, I recently talked about this perfect guy who looks and acts and actually is perfect for me, but I faced the truth and that means that I only fancied him. Because, you know, he’s just the personification of my dream prince.
No real feelings. Not at all. I’m complicated because of my borderline syndrome when it comes to feelings, but that’s the like only thing I know for sure.
That the only man I’ve ever loved was the one I’ll see on Sunday.
I hope so bad he still wants me. If not, my heart will be broken for the first time in my life and you may understand that I don’t really want that. Although… No. Forget it.
I’ll see him. In two days. And then we’ll see. I need him so bad.
I’m such a stupid naive girl. Why do I want him? WHY?
There are so many better guys! And furthermore, I actually have my own problems and they are already enough struggle and stress for me! I self harmed again by hitting my shin against the wall cuz I swore to never cut myself again because of the damn scars.
And I purged some food too because I just can’t live with my body. Not with THIS body. I have a normal weight and to me, that’s like the worst state of obesity. Adiposity. No, even worse. And even though I have way more serious problems, all I can think about is him again since I dreamt of him some days ago. No matter how hard I try to keep him out of my life, he somehow manages to stay in my heart.
Today, my new boyfriend and I had our first real fight about a topic he loves and I hate: drugs. Before we came together, we made a deal: the only drug he would be allowed to consume is weed and not more often than once per week and after some time he needs to get away from it, once per month. I made it clear that he would only get this ONE chance. If he’d break his promise, I’d break up with him. I swore myself to never have a junkie-relationship again. I will never ever sacrifice myself for someone else again- expect my sister because she means everything to me and I’d do anything for her. Well, you may already know what I’m telling you now… He broke the promise. Actually, he even smoked the shit for fucking three times this week. The thing I’m so upset about is actually not the fact that he did this- it’s the fact that he doesn’t regret it at all (yes, he told me that). Instead, he uses shabby excuses to minimize the… let’s call it incident I’m so NOT okay with. And that’s exactly what I told him. You wanna know his answer? We would have reached the point in a love attachment when one person tries to change the other one and he wouldn’t let me do that because he wouldn’t want to change for anyone. I mean, seriously? I made my point clear even before our relationship started! I told him he only had this one chance and I wouldn’t want him to stop doing drugs, I expected him to. That’s what I still claim him to do. No negotiations. Never ever.
Then I asked him if his weed means more to him than I do.
Of course he denied it and said he would love me SOO much, but I’m sorry for not being such an idiot to believe that. Seriously, this guy is driving me crazy. I WANT to help him because I know how this situation feels when you’re addicted to something that destroys you and you NEED help to get away from it, but just like I already said, I will not sacrifice myself for this task. I don’t want to change him. I want him to do something with his life. I want him to use his potential. If he doesn’t understand that, he needs to look for another girl to spend his time with. He said his own will and freedom to do whatever he wants to do with his life would mean more than anything to him, even more than I do. And of course I understand that. I think the same way. But drugs are not the own free will to create the life you want, drugs are shit that destroy your life. But he doesn’t even want to understand me.
We’ll talk again tomorrow, let’s see how it goes. I’m so disappointed with him. Maybe this first fight will already end our relationship, maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe the people are right and he’s not good for me. I have no idea.
I mean, actually I’m in love with someone else… But that’s something only two persons (girlfriends of mine) know… I’ve been in love with this man since the first time we met. I never believed in love at first sight until then. I just saw him… And immediately fell for him. He just said hello to me, his girlfriend by his side, and I looked into his blue eyes and seemed to lose myself. Of course, he didn’t notice, I’m a professional when it comes to hiding feelings. I met him in September 2014 and we didn’t meet again afterwards (we’re still in touch, not only via Facebook) and since then, I’ve been with so many others, but he just won’t get out of my head. At the beginning, I didn’t even notice it was love. I thought I’d just fancy him because he’s the personalized perfection in my eyes: tall, pale, blue eyes, black hair, longer than a short haircut, but doesn’t touch the shoulders, labret and nostril piercing, awesome tattoos, has a good job, musician during his leisure, listens to different kinds of gothic and metal music, dresses like a mix of a rocker, metal and gothic guy, has experienced a great loss, is in his early twenties, lives nearby. And he is dashing gorgeous and sexy.
I’ve never met a man so perfect, so I thought I’d just fancy him like all the teen girls do, but they usually have these types of feelings for celebrities. But the feelings are getting more and more intense all the time, so it has to be more. Because of my borderline syndrome I’m not so good with this stuff, but I think I know what being in love feels like. My heart seems to explode when I look at his profile picture and reading his messages makes me feel incredible. Thinking of a night with him, his touch, his kiss… Is driving me literally crazy. He is my perfection and the only face in my dreams. But because he’s my weakness, I’ll never be able to tell him about my feelings. He makes me feel weak, insecure and fragile and I can’t let him do that with me because I know I’ll never get this guy. He has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for such a long time and she’s been helping him get through a very hard period of time when I didn’t even know him yet. Also, she’s older, taller, cooler, prettier than me and has way more friends.
I mean, I’ve already pinched some girls boyfriends, but this time it’s different. She’s different. She is a bitch and one of those people you shouldn’t get in trouble with because she’s gonna try to tear you down. Since when am I so insecure and shy?? Usually I never regret anything, I’m impulsive, I just try things and don’t think about it and I risk a lot. Actually I’m a really brave person.
This time… It’s different because he makes me weak.
He is my weakness. And too good for me. I’ll never have him.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Because he’s an addicted and the drugs are way more important than I am and because I’ve been in love with another man for months now?
I guess so. This is so confusing. When the mental problems take a break, the teen problems are back. At least I don’t think about killing myself right now, I just think about purging my dinner. And I just decided to do that. That’s gonna relieve me and I’ll may be finally able to relax, at least for some minutes.
Yay, I’m in a new relationship! Since like… Two or three days? Or something? I’m not so good with dates. So, I told you I had betrayed my boyfriend four times during our relationship- always with the same guy. In the end I realized this relationship didn’t make any sense anymore. I preferred having sex with another guy, I thought he looked, smelled, sounded and did it so much better and yes, I had feelings for this guy- but no feelings for my boyfriend. He was just the man who seemed to love me and made me feel safe and of course, also loved. But because I thought he’d be so nice and true and honest and whatever, I didn’t want to use him anymore, so I broke up and got together with the other man I have feelings for. Both are in their twenties, by the way, and the new one looks much better than the old one. And no, I don’t love him neither because I’ve never loved anyone expect my sister, but I do have feelings for him. And when it comes to me and my world of feelings, that’s already really, really much cuz I mostly don’t give a shit about people. I only really care about my best friends and of course, half of my family. The nice half. I made the breakup as short and painless as possible (2 minutes and didn’t tell him about my new love) and was friendly, sorry and polite. We hugged when we said goodbye and I thought it’d be over, but it wasn’t. Some people say you only see a person’s real personality when you call it off. I never experienced that in a love attachment- not until yesterday. On my way home, my new ex wrote me some nice messages. Things like: slut, awful whore/prostitute, piece of shit, unfaithful, unregenerate and unthankful bitch and you know, that sort of stuff. So damn dull, intellectually undemanding and mediocre. I had honestly never thought that low of him before. That was sort of… Disappointing. Realizing I had wasted two precious months of my life with such a person. Still I’m glad I was friendly because that shows I still have some manners. He doesn’t. Whatever, I never had real feelings for him anyway, so I actually don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just mad at myself because I didn’t get it earlier. I mean, such an asshole… He was always so sweet! Well, let’s move on.
I have a new boyfriend now. Actually the first guy I had sex with for more than just once and now, he’s also the very first one I can sleep with without any drugs and alcohol. Isn’t that cool? I thought that was never gonna happen. Of course, I’m still not over the abuse, I don’t think I’ll ever really will, but I moved on!! I don’t really know how that happened, it just… Worked. Suddenly. But isn’t that great? One step closer to a ‘normal’ life. The only problem is the fact that he is doing drugs. I also did drugs for some months once, but I stopped it a long time ago. I’ve also already been in a relationship with an addicted before, but it didn’t end up that well. If you wanna know the truth- he was the one who raped me. That’s why I never wanted an addicted ever again. I’m giving my new love one chance because I know he’s not doing hardcore drugs and he hasn’t been doing it for a long time yet which is why I think there is a chance for him to get away from this shit. I told you about my… Let’s call it bloopers. Or is this word too nice? Slip-ups. Three slip-ups when I did drugs again. But that’s already weeks ago now and I never felt the urge to do it again. It was stupid and it’s never ever gonna happen again. That’s my promise to myself, my mom, my future and my ex. My bf swore me to never take any pills again and I won’t let him smoke weed for more than twice per month. That’s enough. If he won’t follow the rules, I’ll break up because I can’t go through another junkie-relationship. And I don’t want do. I’m nobody’s idiot.
But everyone deserves a chance and this is his. I hope he’ll use it. He has so much potential and intelligence, I don’t want him to throw it all away for this fuckin stupid shit. I hope my plan is going to work. Wish me luck.
At least I don’t need to fear getting hurt. You can’t break a girl who’s always been broken- you can’t even hurt her, darling. No one will ever break me. I’m like a diamond, but made of pain.