ED: “It’s your own fault.”

I hate it when people say that.
The people say it all the time and whenever they do, I just wanna scream it’s bullshit and that they don’t have a clue. Does someone choose an eating disorder?
Of course, one day I thought like ‘hey, anorexia is cool, let’s do that!’.
There are many reasons, but no one buys the new Vogue and thinks ‘damn, she’s so thin! I wanna go farther and starve myself to death.’
In anorexia, you do choose diets and weight loss, but not becoming a skeleton and being so thin that you break down on a run. Nobody wants that. A mental disorder is never the victim’s fault. You can’t just stop and turn it off.
Someone with cancer also doesn’t say ‘hey, let’s take a break’ because it’s not possible. We know it’s slow suicide and don’t want it, but you become addicted to these feelings you have when the stomach is empty. Of course we can all be blamed somewhere- the self harmer buys the blades, the guy with lung cancer the cigarettes and the bulimic pounds of chocolate, but do they do it because they ‘want to’?
No. You just can’t stop because it takes control. You don’t wanna ruin yourself, but you no longer have the power. It’s this quiet voice in the head that makes you keep going and makes you believe it’s stronger than you- and it’s the one to kill you in the end.
You know it and feel it every day, but you don’t have to power to stand up against it.
Why? Why do you believe this voice it’s stronger than you are?

90's, babydoll, and Courtney Love image

It’s not the end

I want you to close your eyes please
I wanna ask you
How are you?
What heaviness are you carrying?
What tears do you hold back?
What pain
What fears
Are kept inside?
You don’t have to hold on to those fears
If you just take one step at a time
Not to say that one day these fears are just gonna completely disappear

Can you forgive those you have hurt you?
Because that’s where healing starts
Every time someone puts you down
Will you make a decision to bring somebody else up?
Go to an open area
Where there’s no building and there’s no shelter
And there’s a storm above you
This storm represents the situations in your life when you don’t tell anybody what you’re going through Because first of all they wouldn’t understand
And second of all they can’t even help you anyway
There’s this storm and you’re down on your knees and you’re cold and you’re weak
And you feel like this is the end
Are you not still here?
You are still here
You don’t have to do this alone

Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you?
You have to start by not rejecting yourself
You don’t deserve it
People either accept you or they can fuck off
When you’re in school
When you grow up in life
It actually sort of matters to people how you look
It matters to you because it matters to others
Why does it matter how you look?
Because if they don’t like you, then who will?
If they don’t accept you, then who will?
And the fear that we have that we’re going to be alone
That we’re not good enough
And we have to change ourselves
And I had to because otherwise people put me down
I started believing that I was not good enough
I started believing that I was a failure
That I would never ever be somebody who people would like
Who people would accept

I was depressed
I thought: what kind of purpose do I have to live?
Are you just here to live, to die?
Is there not a purpose for me?
Is there not a purpose in life?
There are some things in life that are out of your control
That you can’t change and you gotta live with
The choice that we have is either to give up or keep on going
I wanna ask you
What are you gonna believe?
Are you gonna believe in yourself or are you gonna believe everybody else ‘s judgment?
Are you gonna believe people when they say that you’re a failure?
That no one really likes you
That no one cares about you
I wanna tell you that sometimes in life when you fall down and you feel like you don’t have the strength to get back up, you need to try again
Because if I fail
I’ll try again
And again
And again
And again
For as long as I try there is always that chance of getting up
And it’s not the end until you’ve given up
And just the fact that you’re here should persuade you that you have another chance to get back up
There’s still hope
There’s always hope
It’s not the end

What has changed since the last time?

I’m back in the psychosomatic hospital (since Wednesday). 

Almost nothing has changed in here. Just the food got better and some therapists were replaced by new ones. I feel like the only thing that was really changed over the past year is me. So much about me has changed since February 2014 (when I got here for the first time). What the people around me notice, of course, is my symptomatic. When I came here, I used to purge ten times per day. I seriously could never imagine a day without it. It was such an important part of my life and now it’s just gone.
The people here asked me what it’s like without the eating disorder because they think the same way they used to. I couldn’t answer honestly because I don’t even know how I actually got rid of the shit. It’s still in my diagnosis, but no longer in my life. Of course the thoughts are still there. They’re getting quieter time by time, but they’re never really gone. There’s always a risk to relapse. But now I now what it means to have an ED. And I know that it will never ever give you what you want. All it wants is your life. It just wants to destroy and kill you and then leave you behind like a piece of trash.
And I feel to precious for that. Also I have a responsibility now to fulfill. I’ll be a mom in November and in my opinion, it’s a mother’s duty to eat healthy as long as the child’s body needs her (you know, the pregnancy and the year afterwards when you give the breast). No matter how sick you are, if you decided to keep the kid, you need to take care of it and always look after it before you look after yourself.
A child needs a mother, a good one. Not one who starves, purges or harms herself.
Of course I know these things are part of illnesses because I’ve had them all, but as a mother you are irresponsible if you listen to a disorder instead of listening to your child and what it needs.
But no one believes me I think this way. They all think I still listen to the eating disorder. I think they think I’m a bad mom. I’m still sitting on a table with all the anorexics and I’m being watched by a therapist during every single meal, no matter how often I tell them I don’t need the shit because I do eat normal and healthy. But they always think they know you better than you do. Which is bullshit.
When I got here, I seriously planned on killing myself. I already knew how to do it. The two suicide attempts I’ve done once (2012) were just two slip-ups, but this time I’d make it right. Today I don’t wanna die anymore. I don’t wanna die inside just to breathe in. I’m tired of feeling so numb. I wanna live, wanna recover, wanna make it through.
Also I stopped self harming. The last time I did it was exactly one year ago and I honestly can’t imagine anymore to ever do that again. Looking at my still extremely deep and visible scars makes me feel disgusted. A blade across my skin? Gives me the creeps today. Weird, isn’t it? All these things that seem so sick to me today once were part of my daily life. Very important ones, actually.
Still sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the person I used to be.
My mood still goes up and down and I can’t control my feelings. When I’m mad at someone, I imagine tearing him apart like in one of the worst horror movies, when I’m sad I feel like dying, when someone disappoints me with a little thing I wanna cry for hours and when I’m happy it’s like I’m driving crazy. And when I miss Leo, I feel like a part of me has been ripped apart when she died and now one half of my heart is missing. I’ve been trying to replace it. I’ve had some guys in my bed and in my life, had three relationships during the past year, but they were all assholes that just wasted my time and cheered up my genitals.
I’m still searching for the perfect guy, but I think he doesn’t exist.
I think there is the love of my life somewhere even though I’d never tell someone that because I more act like someone who’s always strong and independent- which I am, but still I want someone else. I want a love that consumes me, passion, adventure, a little danger. I want someone who makes me feel glad that I’m alive. A love I’d die for.
He is somewhere, but how am I supposed to find him? I don’t believe in destiny.
I think it’s a stupid excuse for losers who are not able to make things happen.
Wow, I kinda lost the topic. Let’s go back- to me and the illnesses. The reasons why I’m here. I still hate my body. There is the most beautiful thing in the world inside of me, but the rest is still ugly like shit in my opinion. I’ve never met someone who once had an ED and is now able to love the own body in real life. It’s my biggest goal, but I don’t have such high hopes I’m able to reach it. Still the wish is in the back of my mind and sometimes, just sometimes, makes me cry at night.
So many wishes, so many dreams.
I feel like crying right now and don’t even know why. I’m just so tired, tired of everything. And most of all: of myself. It’s all so exhausting. I just want it to be November already. Not that it’s gonna be easier then, but better.

In the mind of the eating disorder

A therapist once told me: “You know, it’s kind of wondrous. Others try to lose weight over and over again, but can’t, and you? You just set your goal and do it. Where do you think is the reason? Where is the difference between you and the others, besides the eating disorder?”
At first I was really stunned and even taken by surprise. What did he want to tell me with that? That I was not a completely hopeless case and had at least enough discipline to starve myself by choice? Yeah, that must be true strength. Therapists like him are also the ones who like to ask you (the girl with the ED) during a therapy session that they are planning on losing some weight for the upcoming bikini season. 
Well, back to the topic. Why can some people lose so much weight so easily and others just can’t even after a hundred tries? And why do so many of them have eating disorders? There must be something about it. Some good anorexia tips. Who likes to change his lifestyle, eat healthy and work out? Crash diets and starvation are so much more effective!
Well… The thing is, anorexia and weight loss success don’t have much to do with discipline and willpower. It’s more about the motive (Latin motus = motion, driving). Most of the anorexic girls and women don’t actually want the perfect bikini body the media wants them to have. The motive has a much higher priority. It’s about control, power and the own ideals. But also about fear, austerity and perfectionism. And a lot of other (often unconscious) things like a missing self esteem. 
But whatever the motive is, the more priority it’s given, the bigger chance the person has to reach the goals. 
We don’t need motivation from the outside, no compliments or insults to strengthen the inner motivation. Who gets demotivated too fast, has too high goals or unrealistic expectations. We don’t consider bad days as relapses. We’re still on the way to the same goal. Every day, good or bad, leads us to where we want to be. And we know we’ll make it. There is no other option, there mustn’t be. Because otherwise we could lose much more than just a damn dress size…

Struggling to eat

Tomorrow I’ll be in the third month of my pregnancy and I feel fatter than ever before in my whole life. I’m tired, hungry and sick all the time and that’s driving me literally crazy. My belly has already gotten so enormous in my opinion and I can’t stand that. It’s so hard to eat right now. I wanted this summer to be a thin one. I wanted to go back to the state when everyone could clearly see my ribs and I had a lil thigh gap. But now I’ll be the fattest one ever in July. This is so awful. You know, the thing is, I don’t wanna sound like I don’t want my child. I’m really looking forward to having my baby. I’ve never felt happier about something than becoming a mother. I’ll be luckier than ever with my kid. I just wanna skip the pregnancy because that’s killing me. I mean like, if I could say I’m already almost done and there won’t be much time left I think it would be easier, but I still have about six months to go which is half a year. That’s like a lifetime. I mean, I really don’t wanna sound ungrateful… It’s an amazing feeling to have this life growing inside of the own belly and if that was all that’s happening inside of me, I’d be fine, but the problem is that I’m not just growing a baby belly. There’s also a lot of fat. No mother is as skinny as she was before the pregnancy when her child is born, that’s just an illusion created by TV. You don’t just gain a baby, you also gain baby fat and that’s what scared the hell out of me. I don’t wanna gain weight, I wanna lose it! I mean, I can still do that in 2016, but that’s still such a long time to live with… Being fat. I will definitely lose a lot of weight again next year, but without starvation, binging or purging, but I don’t wanna have to wait until then… Can I just skip the stupid pregnancy or at least the weight gain? Can I just have a baby and no unnecessary fat? Please? Damn. I’ll be the happiest mom ever once my baby is born, but I don’t wanna wait until the end of November or the beginning of December (they didn’t calculate the exact date yet)! By the way, I’m hungry again. And feel sick at the same time. My body is spinning like shit right now. Dear baby, can you just keep calm in there and stop creating such a mess inside of me? It’s really hard for me to keep going right now and eat because every time something touches my lips, I get scared and think about throwing it away and starving for the rest of the day. Which I can’t do because the baby’s health is way more important than my stupid disorders and what they want me to do.


My story: 1998 – 2015

This is my whole story.

Shortened, cuz otherwise this would take ages.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing it down. I just thought it would maybe help me to figure out some shit in my life when I remember what actually happened. I think it will give me a chance to say goodbye to my past and finally move on. I think it’ll make me able to just consider it as a story that’s told and over.
It all started in 1998 when I was born. My parents wanted a kid, so they got one, perfect little family, we even had a dog and a cat. Everything was perfect and got even better when my sister was born a few months before my fourth birthday. Since then, she had always been the most important person in my life until I got pregnant in 2015.We moved right after her birth and again when I was done with the kindergarten and again when I was about eight years old. My mom is never really happy anywhere, so she loves to move. At that point of time, the cat was long gone and we had two dogs instead and even got two guinea pigs, but they died already after two years because of some illness. We even had a horse later.
On the outside, our family always seemed perfect, but never was.
Hell started when I had just finished elementary school. My father suddenly seemed to realize I was not the daughter he wanted. Since the day he noticed that, he’s never been satisfied with who I am. I will never be good enough for him.
He started to criticize everything I did or said and no matter how good my grades were, they weren’t good enough, no matter how pretty I was, I wasn’t pretty enough, no matter how thin I was, I was never thin enough, no matter how strong I was, I was never strong enough and so on. I assume you got my point.
But something else changed about him too.
His short temper first came up. He suddenly turned into a narcissistic, irascible, aggressive, impulsive, unrestrained, rampant, unbridled, violent person and he’s been like that ever since. Today I still can’t believe how my mother could marry such a person without noticing who he’d actually always been cuz I doubt he just suddenly turned into that person when I was a kid for no reason. He must have had always been like that. I don’t know why, but I assume something went terribly wrong in his childhood, but the only thing I know about that is that his mom never really gave a shit about him. Is that a possible reason for full time irascibility? He should really talk to a professional about that.
I think the thing that I’ve always hated the most about my father is not the fact that everything was always my fault, but that he always acted like we were the perfect family in front of the whole world. He was lying to me and to my mom and my sister and most of all to himself by creating this illusion. Sadly he was even able to keep it until his perfect little daughter finally fell apart when she was twelve years old and had to go to therapy for the first time. When I was ten, I already started to lose my mind, but was able to keep it all to myself for two whole years.
The first illness that came up in my today very crazy mind was my eating disorder.
I was ten and much different than the other kids at my age. I was much more mature and looked and acted like I was years older than them. I spent my time with completely different things and they were all too childish for me. Of course you can’t already be in puberty as a ten years old, but I acted like I was.
Not only I did that, my best friend too. At that point of time, we were like sisters. She actually looked like my twin while my real little sister even had a different hair color.
We did everything together, so when her big sister started to diet and she did it too, of course I also did it. She told me about all the teen shit with boys and weight loss and size zero and whatever and because I was a naive kid, I agreed with everything and suddenly, weight loss seemed to be the solution for all my problems.
Just some pounds and everything would be better! My father would finally appreciate me, I’d be popular at the new school, pretty, perfect, whatever.
And most important: my dad would finally be proud. That was all I had ever wanted him to be. The diet was the solution for everything.
But if it would have been only a diet, I wouldn’t write my story down right now.
It started slowly. No candy, low carb, all the typical stuff. But it wasn’t enough.
And I wasn’t strong enough. I lost some pounds, but right after my eleventh birthday, I lost the control too. And again my best friend had the solution for all of problems.
She had heard that all the models purged when they had eaten too much.
Wasn’t that an awesome idea? We could eat whatever we desired and were still gonna lose weight! The perfect plan! Okay, at the beginning, this plan completely disgusted me and I never wanted to do that. But then, when I had again a huge pack of ice cream with cookie crumbles, I changed my mind and threw up my food for the very first time in my life. Of course it was disgusting, but also so incredibly easy! 
I was really surprised how good it worked, so I decided it to become my backup plan whenever I’d screw up with the diet. Yeah, everything worked out just the way I wanted it to and I was doing fine and no one noticed anything. 
Of course thinking that was fucking stupid. Nothing was fine.
I started to destroy myself without even realizing it.
At the beginning, I purged once a week, but I did it more and more often until I did it every day. Then my bestie realized what I was doing and she said we would never throw up again because she suddenly seemed to get how bad this idea had always been. I didn’t understand her, but because we were best friends, I promised her to stop. She even did it. For her, it was always just a diet, just a part of pre-puberty.
For me it was so much more. I didn’t even realize I had become addicted to my eating (or not eating) habits, I just didn’t want to stop it, so I started to hide it.
I didn’t even know eating disorders existed. For me, it was just my little secret, my way to acceptance and the perfection I was craving for. The eating disorder started to run in phases. Every phase lasted a few weeks. There were basically two types: starving and binging (and purging of course). For some weeks, I dieted extremely, then I lost control and binged every day, but because I couldn’t live with the thought of having all the food inside my body, I vomited again. 
That was my eating disorder, bulimia and anorexia in phases. Sometimes I even starved for some months, but never much longer. I only managed it to have extreme underweight once in my life and honestly, I’m actually proud of it.
My little secret had become such an important part of my life that I couldn’t imagine living without it anymore. But I also started to realize how wrong it was.
I had expected perfection and acceptance, but the opposite happened.
With every minute of my life, the hate I felt for my body became more and more intense. Instead of a thin perfect body I was living in a nightmare and I didn’t know what to do anymore. My whole ‘perfect’ plan was completely falling apart and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I was all alone with my problems.
My mood started to get worse every day and I became depressed.
I started to hate my eating disorder, but couldn’t live without it neither.
And because my father had always thought me everything was always my fault, that was the answer to my problems again that time. It was all my fault.
I hated myself even more. Puberty actually started and I got small boobies and hips and a taille and all this shit and I had no idea how to deal with all the shit.
I just wanted it to be gone. To me, there was nothing feminine and mature about it, it was just disgusting fat I had to get rid of. My mood was getting worse every fucking day. Everything suddenly seemed to be so cold, dark, colorless and senseless.
I started to wonder about my life’s sense and the whole world’s sense and all that stuff and didn’t seem to find any answers. I was acting weird and being moody and didn’t know how to handle myself anymore.
I started to think about suicide because I just didn’t know what to do.
Nothing made sense. I hated life, myself, school, everyone.
When I was twelve, I started to plan my death, shortly after I had found new friends. Friends I loved more than my family at that point of time, but who actually weren’t friends. They didn’t just have a bad influence on me, one of them destroyed a part of me that could never be repaired again. He took my virginity when I was drunk for one of the first times in my life against my will, but I couldn’t defend myself because of all the alcohol. He thought I wouldn’t even really realize what we was doing down there because I was already basically half in coma, but he was so damn wrong. 
I realized everything. My skin felt like it was burning even months afterwards. I started to cut myself because I couldn’t live inside my raped body anymore.
Three months after my 13th birthday, I tried to commit suicide for the very first time.
I had been an outcast at school for a few months until that point of time because I had developed an extreme social anxiety. 
Of course I didn’t die (otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write this) and was instead sent to a closed psychiatric. A fucking madhouse, an asylum. The weirdest thing about my time there is that I met the best friend I had ever had before or would ever have afterwards in my life. Her name was Leo and from the first time that we talked we spent all our time in the nuthouse together. Until today she is the only person I’ve ever told everything about me. Isn’t that creepy? I mean, I didn’t even know her. I actually had social anxiety, the doctors even called it a phobia which it actually wasn’t (at least in my opinion). But with her, it was so much different. I still believe we were sort of connected. Our souls, you know. Sounds psychic and stupid, but I still feel like that.
We were both released from custody some time later and stayed in touch every day afterwards until I took a flight to Spain for a vacation with my mom and sister about a month later. During my time in the hospital, my mom had finally thrown my dad out and now she wanted to reunion our family. But this vacation would only make everything worse. 
Before I left, Leo and I promised each other to stay strong and not harm ourselves for that whole week. I really wanted to do this recovery thing with her and I thought she wanted it to. But I was wrong. A friend of mine and hers called me a few days later.
Leo had taken a hundred pills two days before. She’d been in coma for about 48 hours until… Until her heart just stopped beating. My hands were shaking so heavily that I let the phone fall. I couldn’t breathe. For some hours, I couldn’t react to that news flash.
I didn’t talk, grief, cry, laugh or do anything else at all. I couldn’t. I didn’t believe it was real. When everyone was sleeping, I got up again and went outside. 
The moon was sparkling on the pool’s water surface and made me realize what was happening: Leo was dead.
I cried the whole night. And every night afterwards for about a week. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. 
Losing Leo caused my biggest relapse ever. I got to know about her death at the beginning of September in 2012 and in the end of the same month, I took a drug overdose to kill myself. I failed again. They almost lost me in the emergency room, but only almost. They called my survival a miracle, I called it misfortune. 
Y’all know what happened then: psychiatric. Again. Closed until the middle of October and open until the end of January. The difference? You’re allowed to smoke and leave the property together with other patients for 15 minutes per day. 
I actually thought it helped me, but it didn’t. Psychiatric hospitals never help. All they do is lock you up and keep you busy to not make you think about your problems. And sometimes they talk to you to make you believe they care about you- which they clearly don’t. I’ve never met someone with real massive mental problems who recovered in such an institution. But I believed those bitches and left thinking everything was gonna be fine. We moved again and you wanna know what happened at the new school? I was the fucking outcast. The weirdo. The one everyone stared at. From the very first day on. I could stand their insults for almost two months every day until I needed something to relief me from the pressure inside. 
I bought some new razor blades and cut deeper daily- at school. In the rest room. Today the scars are still clearly visible because they were so extremely deep. I’m still ashamed of them cuz I’ve never met a self harmer with such deep cuts. 
Once I blacked out in the rest room because I had cut too deep and almost missed a whole class. My bruised legs were shaking that whole day and it wasn’t the last time.
When summer came, I was underweight and of course starved to lose even more pounds until I started to have black outs when I was running. 
Then even my knees were scarred because of all the shitty stumbling.
It was June and I was always cold, but even though I was more desperate than ever, I was proud because my ribs were clearly visible when I looked in the mirror.
But then my mom stopped everything when she saw my cuts one day and sent me back to the open psychiatric in July. Of course it helped me as much as it had before, but at least this time my mom realized that. But the solution she and my therapist had was nothing but bullshit. 
I had to move into a dormitory for teens with mental illnesses. Worst. Place. Ever. They didn’t give a shit about any of the teens there.
I got worse every day and nobody cared as long as I kept going to school.
It went so far that I had to go to a hospital because of cardiac arrhythmias. I had a normal weight, but my body was more fucked up than ever before because I purged ten times per day. So I stayed in there until they had given me enough infusions and injections so my heart would work normal enough so I could like without any risks in my beautiful dormitory. Sorry, but I can’t be objective when it comes to that place.
And it was not nearly as easy as I had thought to get out of there again.
A few days later, I had to go back to the emergency room because I had massively overestimated my body. The doctors in the hospitals had let me go home after they had given me the infusions, so I thought it would be okay to go party with some friends and get drunk, but thinking that was not so smart. My body completely broke down and I had an alcohol intoxication and of course everyone said it was my fault because of my own stupidity and ineptitude. Which was not true because it was my body’s fault and not mine. How was I supposed to know my heart wouldn’t be able to take some whisky? I was 14 years old.
But it was my fault. As always. 
At least that mistake helped me to get out of that place in January 2014 and I was allowed to move home if I would go back to a mental hospital in February.
So I did, but that time I wanted to be the one to choose the institution because the ones other people had chosen before had always turned out as bullshit.
I chose a special ward in a psychosomatic hospital for teenagers and young adults with eating disorders and depression and it was the very first one that really helped me in my life because they have real therapies there and don’t just keep you busy and lock you up. I stayed there until July and when I left, I definitely hadn’t recovered yet, but I was already much better and had even stopped thinking about suicide.
The rest of 2014 was just a bunch of weird ups and downs, but I made it through somehow. I went through days when everything was fine and I was happy and satisfied and sometimes I woke up in the morning and wanted to die. The worst relapse hit me in January 2015 and that time, I couldn’t get out of the shit on my own. All the great skills couldn’t help anymore, so I had to go back to the closed nuthouse for three days to save me from myself. Afterwards I decided I was not ready to live at home yet, so I applied for the psychosomatic clinic again.
Before I got there, something else happened that would change my life forever: I got pregnant. I thought about an abortion first, but knew I could never do that, so I wanted to keep my baby and started to change something about my life. I stopped smoking, eliminated all the eating disorder habits from my daily life, lived healthy and didn’t even take a sip of alcohol. I wanted to be a good mother for my child.
I considered it was a chance for me to change, start fresh, be someone new. 
The stay in the clinic should be the last one ever. I wanted to say goodbye to the sick life, wanted to show Leo there was another way.
I think my child is my cure even though it’s not even born yet cuz I’m still pregnant.
Jamie will be the center of my life and he or she (I don’t know the gender yet) will be my start into a normal, healthy life. A life as a loving mother and not a crazy weirdo.
I will be able to give my child the life it deserves even though nobody believes I’ll be capable of that. I will prove them all wrong.

Numb- again.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We all know what happened- sex, shower together, he cooked dinner for me, we enjoyed the first spring sunlight of the year and had a drink in the garden. I was happy. He made me happy. He always makes me happy. And now? I feel dead again. Numb to everything. Today I got up in the morning, changed my clothes, went downstairs and cuddled my dogs on the floor while my mom made us some coffee and then, for no reason, I suddenly started to cry. I almost never cry. I hate it. It only makes everything worse, you get even more desperate and look like a stupid, stubborn, helpless child. And that’s the opposite of how I want to be.
But today I did it- in the middle of the living room, on the floor while I was hugging my dogs and my mom made the coffee. That was so weird. I mean, we all always knew I’m sick and crazy and bla, but something like this had never happened before!
Even though my moms arms around me made me feel comfortable and safe, I could have killed myself for being so… needy.
Afterwards, I even went to school and tried to cheer myself up the whole day, but that made me only feel worse. Rollo May said: Depression is the inability to construct a future. Whoever he is or was, I’m starting to believe him. And I hate that.
I just want the fucking month to be over. And the following too. Because in May, I’ll go back to the only hospital that was ever able to help me and then there will be finally new hope for me. They already helped me there last year, it just wasn’t enough yet because the relapses still fuck me up like shit. I wish I could go there earlier, but that won’t work with my school because leaving in April would mean losing another school year and that’s the thing I gotta avoid the most. I will not sit in this high school even longer than I already have to. I already lost one year. Awful enough.
Okay, I have to admit, going back to the hospital makes me feel even more needy than I already do, but I know I need that and they are the only ones who can help me. Because I wanna survive this shit. I don’t wanna die, not after everything I’ve been through! I’ve survived too much to die now. I don’t know if there will ever be a chance for me to completely recover and if you want me to be honest, yeah, I doubt it, but I’ll just keep going and keep trying. I owe myself that. And the ones I love too. I can still kill myself in a few years if everything will fall apart again. But right now, I wanna fight. The thing is: I can’t do it on my own. And at home, I am on my own. Nobody is here to help me. They will never know what if feels like.
I just want the time to go by… Please… I need the help. Now.

Do you know what it’s like?

I wrote this for some bitch whom I told that I’m suffering from an eating disorder and depression and a few other things she answered something like this: where is your problem? Stop exaggerating. We all diet sometimes and during puberty, everyone has breakdowns and a mood that goes up and down and sometimes even sadness for no reason.
Later I told her about losing my best friend and her answer was: well, everyone dies sooner or later. And by the way, suicide is an act of cowardice anyway. I could also name other things she caricatured, but I guess it’s not necessary cuz you already got the point.
And all that shit coming out of her mouth pissed me off so damn much, but I have manners and higher standards, so I responded this instead of giving her medical definitions she wouldn’t care about anyway:

“Do you know what it’s like when:

– you wake up and want to die
– you slit up your own skin because you think you deserve the pain
– you stick your finger in your throat after every single meal
– you’re scared to leave your bed
– you go to bed and wish you’d never wake up again
– you feel like your skin is burning all the time
– you have nightmares about your future
– you’re rotting from the inside
– all you can think about is death
– you want to kill everyone you love
– you’re scared to even touch food
– you hate every inch of your body
– your body is your worst enemy
– you don’t feel anything at all for weeks expect this endless emptiness
– you don’t even feel physical pain anymore
– you can’t live without pills
– you’re scared to get close but hate being alone
– the most important person in your life dies
– you’re always alone
– no one can help you
– even doctors say it’s hopeless
– you don’t know what happiness feels like
– you feel the urge to kill everyone cuz you think all people are bad
– you can never trust anyone
– all you focus on is trying to numb the pain inside
– the pain is with you all the time
– no matter how good you feel, a part of you always stays dead
– you’d give everything in the world to talk to someone for one last time
– every height, knife or street is a temptation
– you only feel good while hurting others
– you can’t live with yourself
– you feel guilty for every single bite
– you want to punish yourself even though you don’t even have a reason for it

If you don’t, you should better shut the fuck up because you have no idea what you’re actually talking about. And you should be happy about that.
Mental illnesses are demons in your head and they try to kill you every day. Be glad you’re happy and normal, but don’t you dare to stultify people who are suffering from these things.

Sincerely, the ‘stupid little exaggerating girl'”

I know this was sort of exaggerating, but I couldn’t have made my point so clear otherwise.

The ghost of Christmas past or another relapse?

Christmas days ain’t even over yet and I think I can already state it was horrible. I mean, I’ve already had so much worse Christmas eves when I thought about committing suicide or spent the whole evening being insulted by my father and purging the food my mom had forced me to eat. But this year was awful anyway. I forced myself to smile and repeat that I’m fine and everything’s okay and actually it should have been, but it wasn’t and I just don’t know why! My mom, sis and I are finally able to take care of each other and I’ve never loved them as much as I love them now. My mom believes in me and trusts me and finally accepts me just the way I am, but still… It feels like she’s a stranger. We sat around the tree and got our gifts, but I felt so cold and numb inside. All I feel is this fucking emptiness and the only person who can take it away is my boyfriend who’s not here. It’s like I’m dead inside. I’ve lost myself, drowning in my demons because they know how to swim. And right now I’m crying. Why am I crying? I’m so sick of crying! 

I can’t take this. Everything’s overwhelming me. I was not able to eat since the holidays started. I threw it all up again even though I had promised myself to stay strong and stand the urge. My twisted mind was stronger, again. I know it’s not real and just an illusion the ED creates, but I feel like I’ve gained at least 10 pounds and I’m so heavy and fat and chubby and disgusting. Tried to keep telling me I have a normal weight, but I don’t believe it anymore and think about starting to starve all over again. But then every single part of this process recovery comes with is lost and worthless. And that’s what I wanna avoid the most. What the fuck is wrong with me? After years, I finally WANT to get better and healthy and then ‘Ana’ and ‘Mia’ and ‘Cat’ and ‘Sue’ and whatever their shitty cute liar names are are stronger than me?! Today I went through my old stuff today and found my old journals and diaries. I kept them all, in books, USB-sticks, folders and writing pads. I shouldn’t have read them. Now I’m even more depressed than I was before. I’d like to show you some little parts of it to make you be able to understand my thoughts about it. I realized how insane this stuff is, but still a huge part of me believes the stupid words. PS: I didn’t write down any specifical weight numbers because I hate telling them. 

BMI 20,7

“I’ve never weighed this much before and I can’t stand it anymore. Fuck the therapies, I’m dieting again. My own personal bootcamp I designed like a weekly schedule: Monday 200, Tuesday 400, Wednesday 300, Thursday 200, Friday 500, Suturday 600, Sunday 200 calories. It’s easy and very effective. I started to notice the deficiency signs, but I don’t care at all. All that matters is losing weight. Not that much. Just some pounds, that’s all.”

BMI 19,5

“It’s disgusting that I’m actually happy about this weight. It’s absolutely unacceptable and definitely no reason to be proud! I have to keep going and I am not allowed to rest and get fat and lazy all over again. The most important thing is to get away from the normal weight. I have to get under 18,5. That’s all that matters. Normal weight means failing.”

BMI 18,0

“Finally finally finally! I’m officially medically underweight. Sounds crazy to be so cheery because of that, but I am. Still I’m not done with it. I had a relapse and gained, but I punished myself for the mistake and got better. Because still I can’t get around my upper legs with both hands and that’s a sign for being way too chubby and fat. I wanna get away from the 8.”

BMI 17,1

“Yeah, I’m going down! Isn’t that awesome? Can’t tell you how glad I am. It still feels unrealistic, but compared to some weeks ago, my tummy is much flatter. I’m getting better and better day by day and if I lose control, I punish my body and get my discipline back. Everything works.”

BMI 16,3 

“How is this possible? I have a 16 BMI and still my body is so damn fat! I don’t get it, I really don’t. Where are the beautiful bones? I don’t have a twisted view, I can clearly see how heavy I am and how much rolls I got there! And everyone who tells something different is a liar. Just 10 more pounds, okay? Then I’ll see it. Of course I will. I’ll be thin then. I WILL BE. I HAVE TO. There is no other way. I need to be the skinniest person.”

I don’t want to be like this again. Fragile and weak, a slave to my scale. That’s not how my life is supposed to be. Why am I so scared of relapsing since holidays started? Is it some creepy ghost of my Christmas past or is this a real relapse? Please, I don’t want this. I couldn’t take it, I’m not strong enough yet. I don’t want to die, but the blade is laying over there waiting to be slit through my skin. I don’t wanna do this, but I think I can’t stand this force anymore. I wish I could just start over with my whole life. Everything would be so much better cuz I’d know what NOT to do. Like caring about my father or having junkie boyfriends or keeping all my problems to myself or doing crash diets or getting drunk as a 12-year old or… You know, all the mistakes I’ve made and I can’t erase now. The past can’t be changed and it’s pulling me down every day all over again. I’m torn apart. Lost inside. Time doesn’t heal any wounds, I just got used to the pain. One of my favorite quotes