You wouldn’t understand, so what’s the use?

Depression sucks. Yeah, I know that’s nothing new. But the worst thing about depression is not the disease itself but that it always comes back. I felt so good for so many months. For the first time, I could honestly answer “I’m fine” when people asked me how I was feeling. But then it happened. I went back to school and fell apart all over again. I don’t want any fucking pity, but it’s just not fair, you know? You fight for years and then you think it’s finally over and you finally get to be happy and then… it’s all gone. And you feel like dying again. There’s this pain inside of me and it won’t go away, regardless of what I do. I try so hard, but it won’t change anything.

I had everything. And lost it all.

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I wish I could just give up. Stop trying. Stop fighting. I feel like shit and all I can do is feel it. I wake up every morning and I get up and get through the day and I’m scared I might collapse the next second because I don’t think I can make it through. And somehow I do because I keep my shit together and don’t show how I feel. Sure, I could tell about my feelings. But nobody would understand, so what’s the use? Depression is so hard to understand because it’s invisible. The other people around you don’t have any proof that you’re actually sick even though you are. And you could tell them about it. I did. But the only reactions I got were pity, dumb questions or how I could even be depressed because my life is s great now. Yeah, thanks, I’m aware of that. I know my life is great. I have almost everything I wanted and I love my family and especially my son more than anything, but I’m still not happy.

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People tell me we just need to BE happy because we’re the ones to choose how we want to feel, but they seem to forget that we’re not happy because we didn’t choose to be but because we’re sick. We all want to be happy, but we somehow can’t. It’s all in my head, I know, but that doesn’t make it any less real. God, I want to be happy more than anything (I mean, who likes feeling like shit?), but all I feel is this hopelessness. I still keep going because of my son, but if he wasn’t here, I’d give up and let the shit in my head take over. I’d let myself drown in it because it’s so much easier and fighting obviously won’t get me anywhere either. I’m not doing this for myself anymore because it looks like I can’t be saved. I know that the only one who can save me is me, but I do everything I can and I still don’t feel better. I use skills, do things that make me happy, try to focus on better stuff, distract myself, spend all of my time with my son , mom and sister and I don’t feel any better. I’m not suicidal or feel like harming myself anymore (the last time was almost two years ago), but I feel like drowning and there’s no way to learn how to swim. Why is there such a thing called depression? Why am I suffering from this disorder? I know it all started with my eating disorder which I developed because my dad has always made me feel like I’ll never be good enough (and even though he’s gone, I still can’t get that pattern out of my head), but WHY? I know people who had to go through much worse stuff and they don’t have any disorders. Why do I have it? And why can’t I recover? My counselor keeps telling me these things take time, but it’s been more than half a decade and I’m tired and sick of it. There is nothing more exhausting, nothing harder than fighting your thoughts. Since the relapse started, I’ve been so extremely tired that I could basically sleep anywhere if I let myself. ‘Normal’ people don’t know what it’s like to fight your own mind 24/7. To feel like you’re losing yourself, to feel trapped in your emptiness.

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To stand in front of the mirror and hate every single inch of yourself and you want to fall on your knees and cry until your throat is sore, but you know that would only make things worse, so you don’t. Instead, you breathe deeply and tell yourself not to let it take over. To stay strong. You’re still alive, right? But can you stay strong? Is it even possible? Just smile, you think. Smile and they’ll think you’re alright. Don’t tell them the truth because they wouldn’t understand. They’d think you’re mad, ungrateful, a bad mom or overreacting, right? So just keep your mouth shut and act like everything is fine. Because it has to be. There’s no other way. Life isn’t fair.

http://weheartit.com/Poizonbite/collections/9949126-cut

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Slipping away

How can I say this without breaking?
How can I say this without taking over?
How can I put it down into words
When it’s almost too much for my soul alone?

Do you know this feeling when you’re with other people and everything is fine and you’re feeling alright and then they leave and you’re sitting there and notice how you fall apart completely? You realize it, but you can’t do anything about it? Can’t stop it? That’s what’s happening to me right now. And the thing is, I know what I could do about it. All those skills and positive activities and that kind of crap they teach you to do and use in the hospitals and loony bins. But to be honest, I just don’t have any energy left to do these things. They tell you to pour your energy into everything you love and be passionate and full of whatever kind of shit, so I poured and poured and poured and now the metaphoric cup is empty. And I don’t know what to do about it. Like I just said, I know how to distract myself, but that doesn’t really change anything. I don’t know what I need to actually change my condition, but maybe it’s just a little break from things. You know, to get back my energy. But there’s no way for me to do that. There’s just too much shit I need to handle, so I wake up every day feeling like I just wanna hide under my bed forever, but I don’t, so instead I get up and get through the day, get things done, smile and go to bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart. There’s no other way and no other option left for me. I need to make it through. And sometimes I wanna tell the people I love that I feel like shit, but that’s not gonna change anything. They’ll either treat me like a child or a victim and I’ll drown in their pity, they’ll feel insecure and uncomfortable and won’t know what to do or I’ll get to hear extremely helpful things like ‘Don’t be down in the mouth!’ or ‘It’s just a bad day!’. And they’re right, but that doesn’t change things or help me somehow anyway. So I smile and tell them I’m fine. Makes it easier.
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I love my son so much and I need to make it through- for him. I need to be there for him, be happy for him, recover for him, go to counseling for him, get my shit handled, smile, breathe, do all the shit I don’t want to do, study, focus, go to school, pass the finals, get my degree, never get enough sleep, never relax, put all this pressure on me and just get through everything. Because I don’t have a choice. I want him to be proud of me, be proud of myself, be a good role model, be happy and get the life I’ve always wanted- the life that I deserve after everything I’ve been through. All these years I’ve fought so hard and the effort I put into this struggle- I don’t want it to be a total waste of time. I know I can do this. I just don’t know how. How do you get through the day without falling apart when you feel like there’s nothing left of you? Like you’re empty and hollow?
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I just want this to be over, I want to appreciate my life and myself and stop hating myself (especially my body) so fucking much. I just want to be enough for at least once. People tell me to think positive, but how am I supposed to do that? Believe me, I’ve tried everything. But I still feel like crap on a regular basis. Everything is fine, so why do I feel like losing everything? I’m a good mom, a good person, daughter and student and I’m doing a really great job at recovering from my disorders because I never give up and always keep going (no matter how hard it is), so why do I still feel these emotions I can’t even specify? Why are my disorders always stronger than me? I really don’t wanna be a whiny weak loser, but I can’t deal with this crap in my head.
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For Blue Skies

It’s been four long years
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
I never believed you
I only wanted to
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Before all of this
What did I miss?
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Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
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I’m under that night
I’m under those stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
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Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?
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I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
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What you couldn’t do I will
I forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I forgive you
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you
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So fucking alone

I feel so alone, I can’t even breathe. There’s this huge hole inside of me and it’s black and deep and keeps growing and devouring everything of me. It’s like I’m losing myself bit by bit. Every night, another part of me just fades away into the darkness and I can’t reach out and get it back. That part; I feel like it’s gone forever. And it hurts. The pain is so intense that I struggle to keep breathing. Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I get better? Why am I feeling like this? I’m not alone, so why am I so lonely? And why the hell am I not healing? The wound is bleeding and I keep putting plasters and bandages on it, but it won’t heal. I just keep losing blood. That person in the mirror; it’s not me. I’ve been replaced by depression and it hits me like a freaking hurricane, destroying everything it touches and leaving nothing behind expect for destruction. Damages that can’t be repaired, issues that can’t be fixed. Can I be fixed? Is there even hope for someone like me? After all these years, is it even possible to fully recover? Or will a part of me always be dead? Will I always feel like there’s something missing even when I have everything? Is this ever gonna end? Since giving birth to Jamie, I’ve been feelingalive for the very first time in several years, but still there are parts of me that are always hidden away, always in the shadows. This kind of fits right now:

When you go into the ER, one of the first things they ask you to do is rate your pain on a scale of one to ten. I’d been asked this question hundreds of times over the years, and I remember once early on when I couldn’t get my breath and it felt like my chest was on fire, flames licking the inside of my ribs fighting for a way to burn out of my body, my parents took me to the ER. The nurse asked me about the pain, and I held up nine fingers. Later the nurse came in and she said, “You know how I know you’re a fighter? You called a ten a nine.” But that wasn’t quite right. I called it a nine because I was saving my ten. And here it was, the great and terrible ten, slamming me again and again as I lay still and alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, the waves tossing me against the rocks then pulling me back out to sea so they could launch me again into the jagged face of the cliff, leaving me floating faceup on the water, undrowned.

I wish I had a Freddie to save me. But darling, this isn’t Skins and I’m not Effy.

Are we ever ready to let go?

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I’m reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

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You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I’m reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

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Loneliness 

Stay alive, soft, dark and dreamless
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness

Sometimes, when I’m still awake, it comes back. Those nights are the worst. Quiet and not nearly as painful as they used to be, but still it hurts. There’s no reason for the pain. I have my beautiful son whom I love more than anything sleeping next to me in his crib and a supportive mother and sister in the same house. I’m not alone, but I feel like I am because there’s something missing. During daytime, I feel whole and happy, but the nights scare me. I want someone to lean on, a warm chest I can fall asleep on, sex in the morning and a heartbeat to listen to. But I can’t get these things if I wanna be a good mother because Jamie’s father is someone whose hand I don’t even want to shake anymore because everything about him disgusts me and I can’t look out for another guy either. I don’t have the time or patience or nerves for a new relationship and I’m not the type of person who has one night stands. I’m back to school and when I’m home, I have a baby to take care of all day. Sounds easy, but it’s not. When you got a kid, you got a full time job because you always need to be there for your child. Of course there are babysitters and grandmas to help out, but who am I to give my kid away so I can have dates? That’s what immature stupid teen moms do. 

My birthday came and went yesterday and nothing spectacular happened. Because of Jamie, I didn’t celebrate at all (didn’t want to anyway) and it was like any other day. I’m a good mother who cares about her child more than anything else because that’s how it’s supposed to be. A parent should put his or her child’s needs before any party, club or date. But I cannot deny this tiny aching hole inside of me crying for love. Not the family-love. Not the mother-son-love. The in-love-love. I want someone who holds me when the anxiety comes back and kisses my forehead and encourages me and make me feel prescious, beautiful and worthy of loving. Being with my son Jamie makes me feel like I’m in heaven, but I don’t feel like I deserve him. I just don’t feel good enough and I want someone to give me back that feeling I once was able to feel. I want my self esteem back, feel comfy with my body and have great nights with great sex (I’m in desperate need of sex after a freaking year without any) and sleeping in someone’s warm arms. 

Isn’t that pathetic? I’m acting ridiculous. Ungrateful, immature, stupid little bitch. Shall I hate myself or is it normal to never have enough? I should worry about other things. Way more important things. Like my final exams. But, like I always do, I put those fears aside. The only things I can’t suppress anymore are my feelings. They are too strong, too intense. Stupid BPD. I’m a mother and student recovering, trying to get over all the shit I’ve done and that happened in the past and yet I waste my time with wishing for some guy I don’t need anyway in my freaky life! I wish I could talk to someone about it. I know there are people who would listen, but nobody would understand. Back when I worried about bullies, eating and not-eating, binging, purging, cutting and killing myself, I always had the other sick people around me I’d met at the psychiatric hospitals, but this time there’s no one to share my story. I’m alone with these thoughts. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be right now. Maybe I need to appreciate the moment. Maybe there’s just no boyfriend, lover or even a date for me and that’s how it should be. To be able to focus on myself, my school and most importantly, my son. Maybe I’ll find love again one day. True love and not the crap I went through in the past. Who says you can’t have a child and marry later? Maybe I won’t be alone forever, maybe I’m not that ugly. Maybe I just need to be alone with myself right now. I don’t know what to think anymore. There’s just too much on my mind and that makes me feel like I’m driving crazy. Shit, I feel so alone. I just wanna be happy.

Feeling lost.

  

The picture describes what I feel like.
I just don’t belong here, I never did. This place never was home. When I was younger, we moved a couple times and I never felt home anywhere, but I thought I just hadn’t found the right place yet. Now I know. 
This country was never my home. I’ve always hated it here. I hate the people in Germany, the food, the language, the so called culture, the landscape, cities, events, school, system, everything! This is just not my home. It’s the United States, they always have been where I belonged and will always be. When I was younger, everyone was like ‘yeah, she’s just a kid, of course she thinks it’s cooler there’, but I still feel like that. I don’t tell the people. They wouldn’t understand. How could they? It’s just another damn country. It doesn’t make sense how I feel, but for some reason every second I spend here hurts like hell. Thinking about this place makes me want to cry, scream and shout, feel anger, pain, sadness, everything. I just wanna let all the bad things back inside because they’re all here. In this place. WHY? WHERE IS THE BIG DIFFERENCE? I’m crying and screaming right now because I just can’t take it anymore. And I can’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. It’s stupid. They’d think ‘yeah, she prefers it there, but where’s the problem’. But there is a problem. I just don’t know what or why it is. But it’s inside of me and it hurts like hell. Have you ever felt endless hate? 24 hours/ day? Have you? After some time, it makes you breakdown and turns into pain. Endless pain. It won’t stop as long as I’m here and I can’t get out of here either. What is wrong with me? Why is it so horrible for me to be here? It’s just a damn country! I don’t expect a response from anyone reading this. No one can understand it. Not even I can. I just wanna tear apart everything right now. I’m so angry, I can’t take it. I just can’t. This place is hell and I can’t escape. It’s so weird, you know. Everyone I love is here now, but still every second is a torture. What do I hate so much about this place? What is it? And what am I supposed to do about it? I don’t wanna be here, but I can’t leave! 

So WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? 

The only one I can count on is me.

What are friends?
People who lie to you, steal your stuff, cheat on you? Those who leave you, don’t give things back, lie to you and stab the knife into your back instead of your breast? Those who always expect you to understand them, but never even TRY to understand you?
Is that what friendship is about?
I feel like the older the people get, the worse they become. When they were younger, they were honest, true and always there for me. And now no one gives a shit anymore. It hurts to know the only people that will really always stay with me are my mom and my sister. It hurts to know I don’t have real friends anymore. It’s hard to find people who will love you no matter what.

围绕月亮。

Blair’s words fit perfectly with my current situation…

blair | via Tumblr