In the beginning it’s fine. You are 12 years old, 15 or maybe a little more, you could have been less like I was. Either way, whatever age, it’s fine because it’s early days, the damage only just starting to accumulate but what does it matter? You are young enough to believe that the body […]
I’m relapsing. I cannot deny it anymore. It’s true and though I don’t say it loud and tell people, it’s happening. The thing is: it’s different this time. I have a reason to fight. This is not about me anymore; it’s about my son. He deserves a mother who’s there for him, takes care and loves him unconditionally and not some psycho stuck in her sick mind. I’m not gonna let the disorders win again; not this time. I’m stronger and better than that. It hurts like hell, but I’ll make it through. There is no other fucking way. No way I’m gonna give up. Not. This. Time.
A few people recently asked me how I usually handle bad moods, breakdowns and other crap with a child now, so I thought it would be a good idea to write about that.
I currently have four different strategies to cope with such things.
- let it all out (talk about it, cry, scream, let myself fall) -> when I’m alone and feeling VERY crappy)
- focus on my son
- distract myself with so-called positive activities (family, DVD’s, music, books
- use skills
I know a number of people who find comfort in the phrase “This too shall pass.” I appreciate the idea behind it; I think it’s beautiful. Yet, it never rang true for me. I can’t forge a connection with the saying because it doesn’t line-up with my experience very well.
Perhaps I’m impatient. I feel like many things in my life don’t really pass, but maybe I’ve just not waited long enough. I’ll be the first to admit that my level of patience really depends on how long I have to wait!
But then I think of my dysthymia – my chronic depression. Will it, too, pass? Maybe. Maybe if I wait long enough. But maybe not, too. Maybe this shall not pass [insert your own Gandalf reference here]. So when people say “This too shall pass.”, I’m a bit skeptical.
Eventually I found my own phrase to use. Something…
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Love your body. You only have one!
Hey guys! Some of you may know or might even use http://www.weheartit.com, so I’d like to tell you about my account there. My name is Poizonbite and it’s based on my second home, Milwaukee in Wisconsin. (Right now I live in my headquarters in Munich, Germany)
We Heart It is similar to Tumblr, but I prefer it to that page. I post pictures and gifs about my mental disorders, dark thoughts, recovery and my addiction to The Vampire Diaries and American Horror Storythere. So take a look, hope you like it!
About: moving on.
If there is anything that I have learned over the past few years, is that you can’t surrender yourself to your past. Our past doesn’t define us, we shouldn’t let our past hold us back so we can’t reach our future.
For some of us, our past can be pretty dark and scary. For others it can be bright and sunny and beautiful.
But the thing about our past is that…. it’s past us. No wait, we are past it. We are past it all, and the number one most important thing that we have learned… is that we can’t look back. When we look back, we begin to miss it because it’s the one thing we are sure about, when we look back we want to stay. But we can’t stay in the past.
We need to be able to grow, to be free.
No matter how dark and…
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When we were younger, we believed that there were monsters under our beds and in our closets. We believed they only came out at night. So we would make our guardians check to make sure the monsters weren’t there. We had a night light because we thought the light would scare them away. We hid under our covers because we thought that it would protects us. We believed in see no evil than there is no evil.
As we grow older… We stop checking. We go to bed with out checking. We sleep with no light. We no longer hide. We believe we are too old to believe in monsters. We believe that they do not exist.
But you see… monsters do exist, we have just been looking in the wrong places.
It’s hard for to find our monsters because they hide to well. They present themselves as angels. They…
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I’m flashed by this.
“You cannot hurt yourself better,
you cannot starve yourself to happiness
and you will not find answers
in the destruction of yourself.
Taking yourself to pieces
will not make you whole
and hitting rock bottom
is not the only way up.
– I know you are hurting, but you don’t have to hurt yourself too.