How we change

I met a very good friend of mine today. We kind of lost touch over the last two years, but after today we promised each other we’d meet more often again. Our first encounter might not have been very positive because it was in the psychiatry a couple years ago, but I’ve always liked him and he’s always been important to me. Until today, I never realized how much both of us have changed, but also have in common. I always only saw our differences and never our similarities. For instance, we both tend to criticize ourselves way too much and never think anything we are or accomplish is ever gonna be good enough. Even worse or better (depending on the point of view), we both have this mindset from our fathers with their high expectations. And neither of us knows how to handle relationships with all the trust issues and stuff. Oh, and did I mention that we both can’t really talk about our problems openly or feel like people don’t even want to know about them? Except for when we’re with each other. It’s like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t reject or judge me and, more importantly, we always understand each other. Our fears, weaknesses, insecurities and loneliness. So much of that. But neither of us is like when we first met years ago. We’ve grown up, at least partly, started to accept responsibilities, face and conquer fears and while he has managed to stop sacrificing and destroying himself for everyone around him, I’ve started to care and no longer disrespect all kinds of rules and authorities. It’s weird how you never see how different you are from how you were until you go back to your past. But he’s not just my past; not anymore. I really care about him and don’t want to lose him as a friend. Maybe I’ve even developed some romantic feelings for him, but they don’t matter. I’ve spent a great day with him and my son I’d brought with me today and I will see him again as well, but there’s no way for us to ever get together. We both have changed and, on the other hand, also have more in common than I ever thought before, but neither of us is capable of any kind of romantic commitment at the moment and neither of us will probably ever be. As much as I care about him, we’re both rather messed up. Anyway, where I actually wanted to go with this post is how much it amazed me to see how people change and still keep what I love about them. I wonder if other people think about me this way too. I wonder if someone appreciates me the way I appreciate them and if they think I’ve changed positively.

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