I was asked this question a couple times recently and because I realized I’m not sure how to answer, I thought I should write about it. When I say ‘him’, I’m talking about Jamie’s father who was my boyfriend in 2013 when I called it off and then again in 2015 when I broke up with him again after he’d impregnated me. And now, I really am not quite certain when it comes to my feelings for him. Do I still love him? Is it love when you feel torn apart by two completely different feelings for a person while one feeling tells you to get that person (the ex) back immediately and have bad sex and make the same mistakes all over again, and the other feeling is a weird mixture of disgust, anger and disappointment and wants you to never ever even talk to your ex again? Is that love? I honestly don’t know. Nobody ever made me feel such completely different things at one time. I’m actually one of those girls who always know instantly what they feel and want and can talk about it, but this is different. All I know right now is that I’d just love to get him out of my life once and for all, but I can’t punish Jamie for his dad’s mistakes by taking them away from each other. A boy needs a father and as long as I’m a single mom, the biological father has to take that part.
Maybe I’m just scared of being alone and never finding love again or maybe I want that perfect family we see in every cute movie. I cannot get him off my mind. Maybe I just miss our memories and not him.
Sometimes it’s not the person you miss but the feelings and memories you shared
All I know is we cannot get back together. It won’t work out. We don’t work out. We never did either.