I can’t hold on to me, wonder what’s wrong with me
I thought it was over. I thought it was gone and I was over it. I thought it was alright. But I was so, so wrong. It always comes back and it’s never gone. I’m having the nights again. That kind of nights I was so scared of, that kind of nights that ruined everything. I can feel it in every single bone when it comes and can’t do anything about it. I’m just sitting there on my bed and feel it how I fall apart. Suddenly, I just lose myself completely and break down and there’s the pain inside of me, screaming, aching, trying to kill me. And I feel like fading away all over again. I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want to lose myself again. I want to live, I want to be happy, for god’s sake! After all this shit, I fucking need it! But life’s not fair after all, right? You don’t get what you want. Maybe I don’t deserve it anyway. And I can officially say that depression is back now- only at night, but the nights are the worst. But I won’t officially say anything because I don’t want anyone to know. They wouldn’t understand- nobody would. Not even I understand. It’s never enough, no matter how hard I try.
Here in the darkness I know myself