I can’t hold on to me, wonder what’s wrong with me

I thought it was over. I thought it was gone and I was over it. I thought it was alright. But I was so, so wrong. It always comes back and it’s never gone. I’m having the nights again. That kind of nights I was so scared of, that kind of nights that ruined everything. I can feel it in every single bone when it comes and can’t do anything about it. I’m just sitting there on my bed and feel it how I fall apart. Suddenly, I just lose myself completely and break down and there’s the pain inside of me, screaming, aching, trying to kill me. And I feel like fading away all over again. I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want to lose myself again. I want to live, I want to be happy, for god’s sake! After all this shit, I fucking need it! But life’s not fair after all, right? You don’t get what you want. Maybe I don’t deserve it anyway. And I can officially say that depression is back now- only at night, but the nights are the worst. But I won’t officially say anything because I don’t want anyone to know. They wouldn’t understand- nobody would. Not even I understand. It’s never enough, no matter how hard I try.

Here in the darkness I know myself

relapse, beautiful, and eminem image

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2 thoughts on “Down again.

  1. The nights are always the worst. When you’re left alone in the dark and nothing but your own thoughts? Sometimes the mind can be evil. It’s a relapse, it’s not right back to the beginning again. Not that it makes it any less frustrating, I know. When you’ve battled it multiple times and perhaps thought you were better, and the little demon slips right back to the front of your head with his annoying shitty little voice and clouds. Get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day and you have to force yourself to enjoy it until you believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

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