“Do you still love him?”

I was asked this question a couple times recently and because I realized I’m not sure how to answer, I thought I should write about it. When I say ‘him’, I’m talking about Jamie’s father who was my boyfriend in 2013 when I called it off and then again in 2015 when I broke up with him again after he’d impregnated me. And now, I really am not quite certain when it comes to my feelings for him. Do I still love him? Is it love when you feel torn apart by two completely different feelings for a person while one feeling tells you to get that person (the ex) back immediately and have bad sex and make the same mistakes all over again, and the other feeling is a weird mixture of disgust, anger and disappointment and wants you to never ever even talk to your ex again? Is that love? I honestly don’t know. Nobody ever made me feel such completely different things at one time. I’m actually one of those girls who always know instantly what they feel and want and can talk about it, but this is different. All I know right now is that I’d just love to get him out of my life once and for all, but I can’t punish Jamie for his dad’s mistakes by taking them away from each other. A boy needs a father and as long as I’m a single mom, the biological father has to take that part.

Maybe I’m just scared of being alone and never finding love again or maybe I want that perfect family we see in every cute movie. I cannot get him off my mind. Maybe I just miss our memories and not him.

Sometimes it’s not the person you miss but the feelings and memories you shared

All I know is we cannot get back together. It won’t work out. We don’t work out. We never did either.

The Originals, the vampire diaries, and klaus mikaelson image

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Are we ever ready to let go?

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I’m reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

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You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I’m reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

goodbye, Nina Dobrev, and sad image

I won’t drown again.

I’m relapsing. I cannot deny it anymore. It’s true and though I don’t say it loud and tell people, it’s happening. The thing is: it’s different this time. I have a reason to fight. This is not about me anymore; it’s about my son. He deserves a mother who’s there for him, takes care and loves him unconditionally and not some psycho stuck in her sick mind. I’m not gonna let the disorders win again; not this time. I’m stronger and better than that. It hurts like hell, but I’ll make it through. There is no other fucking way. No way I’m gonna give up. Not. This. Time.

broken, amy lee, and band image

 

 

Down again.

I can’t hold on to me, wonder what’s wrong with me

I thought it was over. I thought it was gone and I was over it. I thought it was alright. But I was so, so wrong. It always comes back and it’s never gone. I’m having the nights again. That kind of nights I was so scared of, that kind of nights that ruined everything. I can feel it in every single bone when it comes and can’t do anything about it. I’m just sitting there on my bed and feel it how I fall apart. Suddenly, I just lose myself completely and break down and there’s the pain inside of me, screaming, aching, trying to kill me. And I feel like fading away all over again. I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want to lose myself again. I want to live, I want to be happy, for god’s sake! After all this shit, I fucking need it! But life’s not fair after all, right? You don’t get what you want. Maybe I don’t deserve it anyway. And I can officially say that depression is back now- only at night, but the nights are the worst. But I won’t officially say anything because I don’t want anyone to know. They wouldn’t understand- nobody would. Not even I understand. It’s never enough, no matter how hard I try.

Here in the darkness I know myself

relapse, beautiful, and eminem image

Loneliness 

Stay alive, soft, dark and dreamless
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness

Sometimes, when I’m still awake, it comes back. Those nights are the worst. Quiet and not nearly as painful as they used to be, but still it hurts. There’s no reason for the pain. I have my beautiful son whom I love more than anything sleeping next to me in his crib and a supportive mother and sister in the same house. I’m not alone, but I feel like I am because there’s something missing. During daytime, I feel whole and happy, but the nights scare me. I want someone to lean on, a warm chest I can fall asleep on, sex in the morning and a heartbeat to listen to. But I can’t get these things if I wanna be a good mother because Jamie’s father is someone whose hand I don’t even want to shake anymore because everything about him disgusts me and I can’t look out for another guy either. I don’t have the time or patience or nerves for a new relationship and I’m not the type of person who has one night stands. I’m back to school and when I’m home, I have a baby to take care of all day. Sounds easy, but it’s not. When you got a kid, you got a full time job because you always need to be there for your child. Of course there are babysitters and grandmas to help out, but who am I to give my kid away so I can have dates? That’s what immature stupid teen moms do. 

My birthday came and went yesterday and nothing spectacular happened. Because of Jamie, I didn’t celebrate at all (didn’t want to anyway) and it was like any other day. I’m a good mother who cares about her child more than anything else because that’s how it’s supposed to be. A parent should put his or her child’s needs before any party, club or date. But I cannot deny this tiny aching hole inside of me crying for love. Not the family-love. Not the mother-son-love. The in-love-love. I want someone who holds me when the anxiety comes back and kisses my forehead and encourages me and make me feel prescious, beautiful and worthy of loving. Being with my son Jamie makes me feel like I’m in heaven, but I don’t feel like I deserve him. I just don’t feel good enough and I want someone to give me back that feeling I once was able to feel. I want my self esteem back, feel comfy with my body and have great nights with great sex (I’m in desperate need of sex after a freaking year without any) and sleeping in someone’s warm arms. 

Isn’t that pathetic? I’m acting ridiculous. Ungrateful, immature, stupid little bitch. Shall I hate myself or is it normal to never have enough? I should worry about other things. Way more important things. Like my final exams. But, like I always do, I put those fears aside. The only things I can’t suppress anymore are my feelings. They are too strong, too intense. Stupid BPD. I’m a mother and student recovering, trying to get over all the shit I’ve done and that happened in the past and yet I waste my time with wishing for some guy I don’t need anyway in my freaky life! I wish I could talk to someone about it. I know there are people who would listen, but nobody would understand. Back when I worried about bullies, eating and not-eating, binging, purging, cutting and killing myself, I always had the other sick people around me I’d met at the psychiatric hospitals, but this time there’s no one to share my story. I’m alone with these thoughts. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be right now. Maybe I need to appreciate the moment. Maybe there’s just no boyfriend, lover or even a date for me and that’s how it should be. To be able to focus on myself, my school and most importantly, my son. Maybe I’ll find love again one day. True love and not the crap I went through in the past. Who says you can’t have a child and marry later? Maybe I won’t be alone forever, maybe I’m not that ugly. Maybe I just need to be alone with myself right now. I don’t know what to think anymore. There’s just too much on my mind and that makes me feel like I’m driving crazy. Shit, I feel so alone. I just wanna be happy.