Being the mom & the child

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m being torn apart by two massive parts of my current life: how happy I am about being a mom and how scared I am. What I’m going through right now is the happiest and most difficult period in my life at the same time (at least so far)- and I’ve been admitted to institutions for mentally sick people eight times after almost dying because of my disorders. So saying this is the most difficult time really means something. It’s like the fears are a big creepy monster sitting in the corner, continously growing, terrifying me, while the joy (because this is also the best time of my life) is there like a bright light trying to defeat the huge monster- but the monster won’t let it. (Damn, while reading this I realize how incredibly stupid I sound..)

amy lee, lithium, and evanescence image

The fears I’m talking about are still the same I mentioned in my last post. Failure. I’m more scared than I could have ever imagined to be of failing as a mother, student, daugther and person. Those fears are so intense that I had a mental breakdown yesterday after studying. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the sad truth. It’s tearing me apart and I don’t know what to do about it. Skills, positive activities and motivation boxes won’t help me with this problem. Holy crap, I need my therapist again. And I thought I’d be through with that. Unbelievable. My son is the very best thing that could have ever happened to me, I’m so happy and then there is this stupid fear destroying half of the happy moments I’ve worked so hard for. If there is a god, he’s an asshole.

So many worries

Do you know this feeling when you have a thousand thoughts on your mind and don’t even know with which one to start? That’s kinda how I feel right now.Let’s start with the most important thing: Jamie. I’ve been a mother for almost eight weeks now and I gotta say, I think I’m doing pretty good. Jamie is cuter than I could have ever imagined, continuously growing and gaining, he’s a good boy, doesn’t cry much and sleeps a lot at night. Of course he has vapors sometimes, can’t sleep, is grumpy or hungry all the time, but, hey, he’s a baby! That’s just part of having children. And I’m happier than I’ve ever been with him. Is it possible to recover so quickly from diseases I’ve had for so long and nearly destroyed me? I can’t even remember the last time I was depressed, haven’t thrown up on purpose or been suicidal in about a year and haven’t self harmed even longer. And I don’t feel the need to either. Just the ED thoughts… Well, they’ve come back. After you’ve given birth, of course you’ve gained some weight. That’s one of the pregnancy side effects (that’s how my midwife calls it). And I wanna lose that weight again. Which is, I guess, relatable. But since I had an episiotomy during childbirth (Jamie’s head wouldn’t have gone through otherwise), I couldn’t practice any workouts the first two months (hey, I couldn’t even sit on a chair without crying until Christmas!) and that made me feel even worse about my body. So today I did the first workouts again (after almost a year) and it felt like the ED thoughts had never been gone. They were there. Immediately. I did the first exercise and everything crashed down like a huge wave that buried me. All the fears, all the self-doubt, all the hatred. But I resisted. I kept telling myself: None of this is real. The eating disorder won’t help you, it will destroy you all over again. These thoughts aren’t mine, they’re sick and disturbed and terribly wrong. I’m struggling with my body really hard right now, but I won’t relapse. I haven’t come so far just to make all the old mistakes again. I haven’t reached so much to throw it all away. And I am responsible for my son whom I love more than anything and to be a good mother, I have to be healthy. He makes me so happy and I’m not gonna let some stupid disorder take all that happiness away from us. I will lose weight in a normal and healthy way. Without any stress. I’ll make it just like I’ve made everything else. But I’m scared of a relapse anyway. Very scared. The words relapse and recovery are so close and even though I’m strong, I’m not sure if I’ll always be able to stay this way.

But those are not the only things keeping my mind busy right now. Also I’m still more worried than ever about my future. I’ll have my 10th grade’s final exams (I’ll go to school again on February 29 and yes, I’m only in 10th grade because of stupid nuthouses) in a few months and I don’t know what I’m gonna do afterwards. Actually I planned on finishing high school at school and graduate there, but I now realized I can’t leave Jamie every morning for three more years. It’s already terrible enough that I’ll leave him from March until July (Monday – Friday, 7.30 AM – 2 PM) and I can’t do that any longer. Our nanny is great, but I wanna be with him. What if he’ll take his first steps while he’s with her? And what about his first words? What if I’ll miss all those important moments? I need to graduate high school, that’s 100% sure, but I wanna do it at home. There are only two problems: 1, the fees are €4140 / $4509 and 2, I’ll have to study at home without a teacher and a thousand distractions. So what he hell am I gonna do? I’m so fucking desperate. I just wish things were easy in my life- just once! Only once I wanna be one of those girls who don’t have to worry about anything. I mean, it’s not just the high school graduation, college is a problem as well. It’s fucking expensive, I don’t know if a college will accept me and if I’ll even get the necessary visa (and Jamie needs one too!). How the hell will I pay the flights? Where will we live? What about Jamie while I’ll be studying? I’m not even sure what to study. I can’t become a doctor, that would take way too long, I can’t study criminology because I won’t get a job and I’d like become a historician as well, but I don’t know if and which jobs are available there. But why am I even worrying about things so far away? I don’t even know if I’ll pass the exams in spring. Everything sucks right now- everything expect the beautiful little baby next to me.