These days I’ve had those moments when I had to hold my breath for a second and pinch myself to make sure I was awake. To make sure what was happening was real. Have you ever thought about where you stood right now, right at this moment, a year ago, or even longer? Have you ever realized how much can change in such a period of time? A moment in your life can change everything. Literally. It’s just a second, just a blink, and nothing is the way it was before. I’ve experienced that before when my best friend died and it was like everything fell apart in just this one tiny second, so fragile and short, but still so powerful, and two weeks ago it happened again- but in a positive way.
I’m a mother now. Can you imagine that? Can you, like, you know, realize it? Because I still can’t. That moment, that tiny second, when my son was born, when I heard his first cry, saw him lying there on that towel, wet and bloody as he’d just come out of my body, that changed everything. I’m still the same person I was before November 25 (4:30 AM, to be precise), but somehow I’m also someone else. Before the life changing Wednesday I was this insecure girl, pregnant and feeling kind of lost and lonely in this world, and now it’s like I’ve aged ten years in just one night. I’ve always been more mature than others my age, but this time it’s different. I am a mother now. This feeling is so incredible that it becomes ineffable. Knowing that this little human being in your arms that looks at you with its big dark beautiful eyes is yours is the most beautiful feeling in the world. And the most overwhelming one. Last week I actually cried as I held him because I was so happy I couldn’t take it. That little boy in the crib is mine. My son. My child. What do I feel when I say those words? I can’t describe it. All I can say is that even though I’ve never been more tired and exhausted, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve him after all the shit in my life. He’s too good, too innocent, too beautiful, too sweet, charming and adorable.
I know I’ve been a good mother so far, but still I keep doubting what I do all the time. Will I make everything right? Will I be able to give him what he needs, afford him the life he deserves? Will I teach and tell him the right things and keep him from making the same mistakes I’ve made? Will he have what I never had? Will he be able to enjoy a blithe, unburdened youth? Will I be able to protect him from the demons that almost killed me? There’s so much joy and so much fear in my heart at the same time. I’ve never been so scared of failing before. He’s the most beautiful baby boy in the world and he deserves the very best, but will I be able to give it to him? There is so much responsibility weighing on my shoulders right now and I know I can bear it right now, but will it stay this way?
I’m feeling torn apart inside between who I’m becoming and who I was. I’m becoming a good, mature, grown, responsible mother wearing blouses and pumps while there’s still the insecure goth girl in the back of my mind, slowly fading, turning into nothing but a memory.
Having children truly ends adolescence. We are all either parents or children: responsibility-takers or those who demand from others. – Ben Shapiro
Right now, at this moment, exactly two years ago, I was at a youth center. They called it a therapeutic residential care facility for youths, but that’s not what it was. Right now I was probably cutting myself again, so deep that today, two years later, the scars are still thick, deep, visible and perceptible. And shameful. Back then I was wearing only black (even on lips and eyelids) and stuck in my eating disorder that caused me daily cardiac arrhythmia and black outs, not to forget the depression that made me plan my suicide. And now? I’m sitting here. At home. A new home, with my mother, sister and son. And I’m actually feeling happy and healthy. It’s like a dream. A beautiful dream. Of all the expectations I had when it came to my future, this was so not one of them. I would have never thought I’d actually end up this way and I’m scared everything might fall apart the next second because I might not even deserve this beautiful gift. Even Jamie’s father (I named my son Jamie, btw) promised to support us. HE wants to support us- the guy who didn’t even call or message me ONCE in nine months! I can’t believe that either.
I cant believe any of the things happening right now. This is just too good after all the shit I’ve experienced. Is this what recovery feels like? Because it’s the damn best feeling I’ve ever had.