Shit week

The week is almost over my so I think it’s time to consider the results of it. The bottom line is that this week is one of the worst ones I’ve had in at least a year. Every single day went wrong. Like, seriously. Can’t believe it? Well, let’s prove you wrong. Monday: always horrible. Tuesday: even worse. Wednesday: some ugly stupid whore took my spot in the train and I had to stand for almost twenty minutes- and I’m nine months pregnant. Thursday: I had such an incredibly awful school day and even worse headaches and couldn’t even go to my afternoon appointment. Friday: that day was the first one to start off really good when I finally wrote a good test and my class was so damn sweet when they threw a little farewell party for me (I’m leaving the school until the end of February because of my maternity protection) and THEN I came a cropper, how my grams would say it. Normal people would say I fell badly. There actually is a hole in my knee now where a little pebble got stuck when I kissed the duff. Well, at least the baby didn’t get hurt.
But the week wasn’t done after Friday. My aunt and my uncle (not the biological ones) came here for a nice Halloween dinner and a good horror movie afterwards. But if it would have worked that way, I wouldn’t have to tell you about it. As you may know, I currently live in Germany and there are many refugees right now because of great poverty, economy problems, wars and dictatorships in several countries. Unlike most European governments who don’t seem to give a shit about the people suffering from these issues, Germany helps by hosting them in gyms, tents, public institutions like civic centers and purpose-built refugee hostels. But since the number of people coming here has heightened extremely recently, many citizens want to seal up the borders to keep away the people because they’re scared, angry or just idiots. The point is: yes, so many people with so many languages, religions and cultures bring along many different problems, but also many great chances and opportunities for one economy and society. And even though the taxpayers need to pay billions to afford them education and integration programs, studies and prognoses show that this country can definitely make long-term use of their immigration.
But there are those Germans who refuse to help those people who desperately need it because, quote: it’s not our problems what happens to them. Well, that’s not how our world works. We help each other because that’s just what you do when somebody needs help, whether he speaks your language or not, has the same passport or the same skin color. If you’re able to help, you do it. That’s something a five year old knows. But my aunt and uncle obviously don’t. Instead, in their opinion, anybody who wasn’t born here shouldn’t be allowed to live here either. Because of such (and even worse) mindsets we had a fight and I called my aunt’s opinion asocial and because she’s more sensitive than a toddler, she overreacted, got aggressive, felt offended and they both left before the dinner was over. There’s a difference between calling a person and the person’s opinion asocial and that’s what I told her a hundred times as well, but she didn’t wanna hear it. Well, in their opinion I shouldn’t have said anything about the topic anyway. I’m not an adult, so I’m supposed to shut up. It’s disrespectful to tell your opinion when it doesn’t fit with a grown up person’s. You may be able to imagine how pissed they were when they left. And ‘pissed’ is clearly an understatement. The friendship is over now (yes, there are almost 60 year old people who cancel a friendship that lasted for more than 20 years because of one disagreement) and it’s my fault. It doesn’t bother me (it’s sad and disappointing, but not life-changing), but it does bother my mom because they were really close and when they cut me out of their lives, they also cut out my mom. And she doesn’t deserve that. My mom is really awesome and though I think she should choose her friends more wisely, I am really sorry for ruining this friendship. She already has so much stress and worries about way too much and now I made it even worse. I don’t regret what I said, but maybe I should have shut my mouth for her…

Damn, this week is so horrible. Nothing works these days.

leonard, the big bang theory, and black and white image

Upset, bitchy, tired, pregnant- whatever.

Thanks to the therapists who told me to outlive my feelings and taught me to not suppress them, I’m kind of crying right now. It was so much easier to just swallow all the crap down. Feelings suck, they are complicated and always harmful in the end. Right now I’m hurt because of my mom (or at least I think I am- it’s been pretty hard to define what’s going on inside of me lately). I love her, I always will, but she’s been acting really weird lately. She’s mean and uptight all the time. No matter what you say she doesn’t like, she either takes it as offending, aggressive or bitchy. There’s no way to discuss about a topic without getting to hear something like ‘stop being so touchy’. Whenever my sister and I don’t share the same opinion (which is often the case because that’s just what siblings do), she tells us to immediately stop because she can’t take any more of our clamor- even when there is no clamor at all. We’re all female in this house, so we’re all a little iffy and sensitive (that’s just how women are- guess why most men don’t wanna argue with us), but this is more than usual. I’m scared of saying something without being told to stop agitating or upsetting. Well, maybe we’re just all in kind of a fluster because of the baby being born soon (I’m week 34 now). When one is pregnant in a family, the whole family seems to be. I’ll be so glad once this whole hormone chaos is finally over. It’s exhausting like hell. 


Wasted youth

Yeah, I wish I’d been a teen idle
Wish I’d been a prom queen fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible
Feeling super suicidal

– Teen Idle (Marina And The Diamonds)

Songs like this one make me think about my teenage years (though it’s actually not my genre because I don’t listen to pop music and such stuff).
If I’m being honest, I didn’t really have something you could call a youth.
I had a childhood, yes, but the way my life was ripped out of my arms afterwards can’t be called teenage years. My eating disorder came into my life when I was ten and I had chronic depression, insomnia and social anxiety by the time I was twelve. Shortly after my thirteenth birthday, I tried to kill myself- twice. My parents got divorced afterwards- and I was even happy about it. The same year, I was admitted to a psychiatry and it was not the last time. Today, I can count five times there and two in a psychosomatic hospital- not to forget the time I spent in the emergency room and the four months in some facility for incurable cases (which is what it was though they would have never called it such a name there) like I seemed to be back then.
Yes, today I am recovering, slowly, but such things take time and I already have progressed so much (no ED or suicidal thoughts or behaviors in 10 months and no self harm in about 16 months or something), but now I’m pregnant and will have a baby before Christmas. Of course I’m totally looking forward to it, my baby is the most important person in my life and I think it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but nobody can doubt it’s too early. I haven’t even finished high school yet. Thanks to the hospitals, I won’t have before 2018.
My youth? About five parties when we had the evening off in the hospital or I was still friends with some junkies who called getting high till they couldn’t spell their names anymore a party.
I’ve accepted the way it is now and in some weird way, it’s never been better, but of course there is also a bitter pill to swallow. The bitter pill called a wasted youth.

The wasted years, the wasted youth
The pretty lies, the ugly truth

Though they’re shallow, unknowing, uneducated and stupid, I’m sort of jealous of the normal teens I see every day. The useless lives they lead give them one thing I’ve never had and will never have: they’re simple, normal, easy and happy.
They go to school from Monday to Friday thinking about their families, friends and exams, spend Friday night in bed with their boyfriends or girlfriends, go shopping or hang around with friends during Saturday, get drunk in the evening with alcoholic beverages they actually aren’t allowed to buy and spend half the Sunday being hungover and the other half studying a little for the upcoming new week.
So simple, so easy, so happy. They make mistakes, usually don’t learn from them either, party and study. That’s it. And this simple kind of happiness those teenage years bring has never been and will never be a part of my life.
What will I tell my unborn son about it one day?
‘Sorry, I was in a nuthouse back then when I should have been an adolescent and then you came’?
I wish Jamie (that’s the name I’ll give my baby) would have taken five more years and I would have had time to do all those average teen things. Away from the disorders right into motherhood- that’s too much in such a short period of time.
I know it’s nobody’s fault and believe me, I certainly do not want compassion or pity from anyone because that makes me feel like a stupid helpless toddler, but I have these regrets deep down anyway. (And the fears of failure and relapses are even worse, but that’s not the topic right now.)
I wish I could change something. But I can’t. The time I could have had is gone and I’ll never get it back, that’s just how it is.

gif, youth, and teen idle image