Temper tantrum + howling attackĀ 

Had one of those again today. Again because I’ve already been through this crap yesterday. The problem is that there was not really a reason for it. Everything is overwhelming me these days. And by everything, I mean everything. I get mad and moody all the time and then suddenly, I totally freak out because of something totally ridiculous. Today, I cried for ten minutes because I’d ruined my laptop. Well, actually it wasn’t because of that, that was just the trigger, the final straw. The real problem is that I feel like everything has slipped out of my hands. My whole life and world. I need the control and right now I’ve definitely lost it completely. And that’s what drives me crazy and I don’t know what to do about it. I do everything to calm myself down and keep calm as well, but it doesn’t seem to help. After a few hours, I flip again. This is so fucking exhausting. A mix of BPD, depression and pregnancy and all those things I can’t handle at once. But I don’t have a choice; I gotta keep going and keep trying and all this shit because I need to make it through. I need to do this. For my family and my child and at some point, also for myself. I just wish it wasn’t this hard.

crying, himym, and lol image

What if?

She’s gone.
The bridge looks like a ghost ship from another time even as it fills up with the most twenty-first-century kind of people, early-morning joggers.
And me, alone again.
But I’m still standing. I’m still breathing. And somehow, I’m okay.
– ‘Where She Went’, chapter 18

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if some things would have taken another way? If some people wouldn’t have shown up or left? If some choices wouldn’t have been made? If some incidents wouldn’t have happened?
I know such questions are stupid and useless and only make you feel unhappy and dissatisfied, but sometimes I can’t help it.
I’ve been wondering what it would be like if there wouldn’t have been all the bullying and violence against me or if my baby wouldn’t have survived the morning-after pill I took or if I wouldn’t have survived the suicide attempts or if I wouldn’t have left all those hospitals and other crap.
And most of all I’ve been wondering what it would be like if my best friend was still alive, if I wouldn’t have let her go. If I wouldn’t have dismissed the signs. If she would have talked to me. Damn, I thought I was over this crap, but I’m so not. Why do people say it’s so easy to move on once you’ve let go? I did let go. I wonder what if, but I stopped wishing her back or wanting her to and all that stuff. I stopped wanting to turn back time. I really did. I HAVE accepted what happened and what is now, all I do is wonder what if it would have been or was different. But I don’t feel the need to change it. I can’t do that anyway. So why haven’t I moved on from my past? It’s over. Done. Gone. I’ve let go, but I haven’t moved on with my life. I still feel so damn stuck sometimes. Why? Maybe because I don’t think things happen for specific reasons. So I wonder why they do even happen. Is there such a thing as fate or destiny? Or is it our fault what happens? And if so, how do we make it happen? Do our thoughts manage our lives? Do we control it? I have so many questions nobody can answer. And I can’t stop asking. I’m recovering, looking forward to having my baby, feeling really good most of the time, having a great vacation in Croatia right now and doing pretty well, but there are those thoughts (mostly questions) I just can’t get rid of.
I don’t wanna turn back time. But I wonder what if I could.
Maybe all those questions are what’s been holding me back for so long.
Maybe I just need more time. Time to cope, to heal, to calm down, to realize.
Maybe that’s what I need to do. Give myself more time. Maybe that’s what we all should do.