When love is not enough

An author called Chapman wrote: “Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful relationship.” It goes against everything we’re taught socially about love and marriage. The songs tell us that, “all you need is love” and “if I had you, that would be the only thing I’d ever need”. But there’s more to a relationship than that.
Love alone is not enough. It really isn’t. It might not sound romantic, but it is so so so true. We’ve lost the meaning of what “love” is. We can say “I LOVE my new shoes” and “I love you” and it sounds like the same word. Hollywood’s romantic comedies tell us that love is a fantastic chemical reaction in your brain that triggers intense feelings of joy, passion and butterflies. Love can be that, but if that’s your whole picture of love then be prepared for a bit of a reality shocker. While these intense feelings are real, there’s more to love than that. The butterflies are not what make up the deep binding kind of love that will last through the trials a relationship brings. Rather than relying solely on a romanticized version of love, Chapman lists five foundations you can really build a relationship on. You need spiritual, intellectual, emotional, social and physical foundations. Intimacy on each of these levels is essential. We’re told that physical attraction is the most important, but I think that it’s the least. An accident or illness, heck, even gravity, can change a person’s physical attractiveness. Don’t build a relationship on something so temporary.
Also, when looking at emotional intimacy, don’t confuse that with happiness. Emotional intimacy is a mutual sense of security and acceptance. (I’ve heard it said, and I believe this to be true, that pursuing personal happiness at all costs is a sure way for no one to be happy.) And a word once spoken is as hard to take back as a bag of feathers that was opened to the wind. 
I think the main foundational piece to building a successful relationship…not feelings of “love”, but actions of togetherness.

What I wanna say with all this is: it’s not enough to just love someone. You need a connection, togetherness, understanding. Of course love is necessary, but there’s more than that. And why I’m coming up with this topic today is because I’m thinking a lot about it lately. Because I still love my ex who also is the father of my child, but I could never be with him again. The feelings are not enough for a successful relationship, not for a mature one. The connection we once had is lost. I can’t forgive him for the way he acted. Right now I still want him in my heart, but not in my life. Both things just are not possible at the same time. And that hurts, of course it does. But all I can do right now is focus on the future, not the past. And he can only be in one of those times. It makes me sad to see what happened to us, but also glad because therefore I finally realized who he has actually always been. An immature egoistic self-pitying child, incapable of having a functional relationship. Sometimes I wish I would have never found it out, but the part of me that’s not been blinded by love knows that’s wrong.
I love him, but I can’t be with him. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Feeling lost.


The picture describes what I feel like.
I just don’t belong here, I never did. This place never was home. When I was younger, we moved a couple times and I never felt home anywhere, but I thought I just hadn’t found the right place yet. Now I know. 
This country was never my home. I’ve always hated it here. I hate the people in Germany, the food, the language, the so called culture, the landscape, cities, events, school, system, everything! This is just not my home. It’s the United States, they always have been where I belonged and will always be. When I was younger, everyone was like ‘yeah, she’s just a kid, of course she thinks it’s cooler there’, but I still feel like that. I don’t tell the people. They wouldn’t understand. How could they? It’s just another damn country. It doesn’t make sense how I feel, but for some reason every second I spend here hurts like hell. Thinking about this place makes me want to cry, scream and shout, feel anger, pain, sadness, everything. I just wanna let all the bad things back inside because they’re all here. In this place. WHY? WHERE IS THE BIG DIFFERENCE? I’m crying and screaming right now because I just can’t take it anymore. And I can’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. It’s stupid. They’d think ‘yeah, she prefers it there, but where’s the problem’. But there is a problem. I just don’t know what or why it is. But it’s inside of me and it hurts like hell. Have you ever felt endless hate? 24 hours/ day? Have you? After some time, it makes you breakdown and turns into pain. Endless pain. It won’t stop as long as I’m here and I can’t get out of here either. What is wrong with me? Why is it so horrible for me to be here? It’s just a damn country! I don’t expect a response from anyone reading this. No one can understand it. Not even I can. I just wanna tear apart everything right now. I’m so angry, I can’t take it. I just can’t. This place is hell and I can’t escape. It’s so weird, you know. Everyone I love is here now, but still every second is a torture. What do I hate so much about this place? What is it? And what am I supposed to do about it? I don’t wanna be here, but I can’t leave! 


The three faces

The Japanese say you have three faces.
The first face is the one you show the world.
The second face is the one you show your closest loved ones.
And the third face is the one you never show anyone. They say it is the truest reflection of who you are. Have you ever wondered what your three faces are?
I have and this is my result…

  1. The confident, selfish, strong girl. A bit of a weirdo who does not care.
  2. The girl recovering from mental disorders, strong, but struggling, and having weak moments too.
  3. Someone who’s trying to find a place in this world, a young woman becoming a mother and incredibly scared of failing, not knowing what the word limit means and what lies between black and white or how to feel satisfaction. Someone strong, but sometimes fragile when no one looks. An adolescent trying to find out who she really is and what her task in this world is and if she’s good enough and able to have a child.

The only one I can count on is me.

What are friends?
People who lie to you, steal your stuff, cheat on you? Those who leave you, don’t give things back, lie to you and stab the knife into your back instead of your breast? Those who always expect you to understand them, but never even TRY to understand you?
Is that what friendship is about?
I feel like the older the people get, the worse they become. When they were younger, they were honest, true and always there for me. And now no one gives a shit anymore. It hurts to know the only people that will really always stay with me are my mom and my sister. It hurts to know I don’t have real friends anymore. It’s hard to find people who will love you no matter what.


Blair’s words fit perfectly with my current situation…

blair | via Tumblr

The skill to use skills

When you‘re in therapy for some time, you get to know this weird thing called skill. I mean, we all know what the word skill means. A skill is the ability to do something. But that‘s not what I‘m talking about. I‘m talking about the ability to break free from situations where your tension is so extremely intense that there‘s no way to get out of it on your own or with some simple distraction. Instead, you need to use skills from different levels (the level of tension from 100 where you can‘t even think anymore and down to 10 where you could go to bed immediately).
The lower the tension is, the less intense skills you use until you‘ve calmed down completely.
I‘m not a therapist, but I hope I could explain it correctly.
Now I wanna show you my personal skills list with the tension marks, starting with 100, the highest level.
It‘s important to not just use one of the high tension skills (high tension is from 70 to 100), but three or four before you continue with lower skills.

100|90|80 (10 minutes)
Finalgone (an ointment that‘s actually for extreme backache and similiar shit, but when you use it on skin in its normal condition, the ointment causes the feeling like your skin is on fire. It does not leave any wounds or other damage, but the pain is like you just self harmed. Also, this skill brings you back into reality and makes you feel again because when you‘re on 100, you‘re no longer really there.)
Seroquel (or other antipsychotic pills)
Ice water or snow (the coldness brings you back and helps you calm down a little)
Ammoniac (You can buy little ampules in some drug stores or on Amazon. To activate them, you need to take one with both hands and snap it like a glowstick)

70|60 (60/120 minutes)
Favorite TV shows
Alcohol (sparsely)
Crying or screaming

Massage balls
Best friends
My dogs


Skills are only things that are legal and do not harm you or other people in any way!

ED: “It’s your own fault.”

I hate it when people say that.
The people say it all the time and whenever they do, I just wanna scream it’s bullshit and that they don’t have a clue. Does someone choose an eating disorder?
Of course, one day I thought like ‘hey, anorexia is cool, let’s do that!’.
There are many reasons, but no one buys the new Vogue and thinks ‘damn, she’s so thin! I wanna go farther and starve myself to death.’
In anorexia, you do choose diets and weight loss, but not becoming a skeleton and being so thin that you break down on a run. Nobody wants that. A mental disorder is never the victim’s fault. You can’t just stop and turn it off.
Someone with cancer also doesn’t say ‘hey, let’s take a break’ because it’s not possible. We know it’s slow suicide and don’t want it, but you become addicted to these feelings you have when the stomach is empty. Of course we can all be blamed somewhere- the self harmer buys the blades, the guy with lung cancer the cigarettes and the bulimic pounds of chocolate, but do they do it because they ‘want to’?
No. You just can’t stop because it takes control. You don’t wanna ruin yourself, but you no longer have the power. It’s this quiet voice in the head that makes you keep going and makes you believe it’s stronger than you- and it’s the one to kill you in the end.
You know it and feel it every day, but you don’t have to power to stand up against it.
Why? Why do you believe this voice it’s stronger than you are?

90's, babydoll, and Courtney Love image

My tattoo


I felt the urge to show you my first tattoo I got in April for my 17th birthday (which was actually already in March, but who cares). It hasn’t healed completely yet, but.. Whatever. 

It’s just one word: strength. On my wrist, visible for everyone including me all the time and every day for the rest of my still pretty long life (if nothing will go wrong).

What does it mean to me? It’s quite a synonym for recovery to me. Like this ‘stay strong’ tattoo (which is really awesome), but better because it’s not clear for people on the outside what it actually means: overcoming mental disorders. You don’t get labeled by every stranger as someone crazy or sick. They don’t see it that way because it can be interpreted in many different ways.
Just a guide for life, a physical or mental sickness, a heartbreak, dark time or motivation to reach goals? Nobody knows expect me and the ones I tell.
And that’s why I got it and why I will never regret it because even after all this sickness shit is over, I’ll still have a guide for my whole life, the good and the bad times, the bright and the dark moments.

Me on We Heart It!


Hey guys! Some of you may know or might even use http://www.weheartit.com, so I’d like to tell you about my account there. My name is Poizonbite and it’s based on my second home, Milwaukee in Wisconsin. (Right now I live in my headquarters in Munich, Germany)

We Heart It is similar to Tumblr, but I prefer it to that page. I post pictures and gifs about my mental disorders, dark thoughts, recovery and my addiction to The Vampire Diaries and American Horror Storythere. So take a look, hope you like it!


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