I really don’t know what to tell you. I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in my sadness. It’s like everything is frozen, my mind is cracked, my soul is numb.
Today I texted a friend and she said something that keeps haunting my thoughts.
This is not how we were supposed to be. How our life was supposed to be.
And I agree with her even though I hate to because.. She’s right. I don’t know what happened to us. When did we go down like this? When did we lose ourselves this way? How could this happen? How could the pain get so bad that Leo had to choose suicide for her release? Why did we break?
Look at us today. So young and yet so damaged.
I wish I was able to write something inspiring and poetic or pathetic or whatever, just something that makes sense somehow and sounds good, but I really can’t. None of this shit makes sense. There is no cure for the pain. We have to fix ourselves, probably we have to move on to do that, but most of us can’t. We need to figure out a way to live with it, with this hole in our hearts. But how?
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.
You know, it’s weird. It’s been 2 1/2 years since and still there are days when I completely break down because I can’t take a world without you in it.
It’s so sad, I can’t even remember the sound of your voice anymore. The memories are fading away and even though I actually somehow want to move on, a part of me can’t and tries to hold on even though there’s no chance. I was once told it hurts so much because it was real. I don’t understand what that means. All I know is that I have to move on and let go. Not for me, for Jamie. I’ll have a baby in November.
A new beginning.
Another chance.
A new life.
Not as the sicko, as a mother.
And therefore, I need to be healthy. I need to recover.
For my child and for our future together.
Believe me, I do try and struggle as hard as possible. Whenever I feel the pain coming, I try to distract myself in any way possible and I focus on the positive things and my skills and people who are still alive and I can hold on to, but whenever I just take a short break to relieve, the sadness rushes into me like a wave that tears apart everything fragile in its way. Everything beautiful made of sand is being torn apart.
Turns to ashes. And there’s nothing left but the dark wasteland of eternity.
Why is it so hard to let go? Why can’t anything fill this hole?
I need to make it through, for god’s sake! I need to move on. Let go. Start fresh. Be someone new. I know I can do it. I just need to figure out a strategy.
It’s okay.
It’s all over.
I’m alive.
Jamie is alive.
I’ll be happy.
We will be happy.
I can do this.
I can let go.
For my child.

3 thoughts on “Trying to move on

  1. Hi you.
    Now I write you one more time, but just to command your following sentence: (Maybe it’s not the last time.)
    “I wish I was able to write something inspiring and poetic or pathetic or whatever, just something that makes sense somehow and sounds good, but I really can’t.”

    Well, for me your texts seem like the opposite of this. First of all, I am not a person who believe that ‘sense’ is an thing you can understand or even define. You’re able to express your deeper feelings, thoughts etc. (I think so) in such clear way, which shows that you have a great talent in reflecting yourself. In result of this, the fact that you’re good at hiding your feelings and other facts, you must be a very intelligent person too. I’m sure, you know that you’ve educated writing skills, otherwise you wouldn’t write that much to the public. Don’t pull you so down, you’re damn good at what you’re doing. Life is confusing, most of the things aren’t so easy to explain, in the end no single word can repeat the activity itself. Maybe you’re just inspired of someone, but there’s no one who isn’t.

    P.S. This comment may seems like a flirt, but it isn’t meant to. Besides the fact that you got a boyfriend, we don’t know each other at all.

    Wish ya an pleasant day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!! That honestly means so much to me!! And I’d love to send you a little heart too, but I can’t do that on WordPress…
      And by the way, I don’t always immediately take a compliment as a flirt. I’m not one of those girls. Guys can be nice without wanting sex.


      • Good ‘Evening’.
        To be honest, I do not think that there is a boy who would’t have sex when he has the opportunity to. And if, this person must have had a rape or something like this. Life is based on sex.
        But, back to the top. Yes, I think I know want you mean. I also got some ‘female’-friends to without having sex, with them.
        There is an opportunity to send a heart: ‘<3', I sounds common, but to me smilies etc. are like fake smiles, you read them, but never could be sure if it's meant honest or not. So it's really okay to me.

        Sleep well, maybe see you soon.


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