Breakdown

I just had one of my weird- what surprise! breakdowns. They happen sometimes and suddenly and I don’t know what to do. I just lose the floor under my feet and fall on my knees and cry and cry and cry and there’s this pain inside of me and it’s so bad that I can’t breathe. And I just want it to go away, but it won’t. I don’t know where these breakdowns come from and what they wanna tell me, but neither the therapists nor I can handle them. They make me feel like dying. Like I’m drowning and gasping for air, but there’s no air. There’s just the water filling my lungs and I can’t even scream. I’ve been having these weirdos for 4 years now and they’re starting to drive me crazy. Literally. I can’t handle them. I just can’t. They’re killing me.

if i stay | Tumblr

The ex – the ass

I can’t tell you how I feel right now. All I know is I’m confused, exhausted and tired, but feelings? No clue. My anger and madness on my now-ex has faded. (Yeah I broke up a couple days ago.) It wouldn’t make sense anyway. He’s an egoistic asshole and won’t change. The only person that counts in his world is him. How couldn’t I notice that over the past three years? Because I was in love? Does it make this blind? But I wasn’t even in love during the first year we knew each other! Can love hide a whole personality? I’ve always known he’s dumb, never experienced this thing called parenting because his mom is a slut and his dad left him, I knew he often lies without even noticing it and he shows the whole world he’s the poor boy, but he was never narcissistic. He used to care about me. Be there for the ones he loved. He always said his friends meant the most to him. Did it change  so drastically or didn’t I notice what an asshole he’d actually always been? I don’t get his behavior. Why is he acting like this? Why does he treat me like a piece of shit? Because he’s scared? Because he’s a pussy? Because he’s immature? Because he still has the brain of a 4 y old? Or just because he’s a jerk? Maybe there are reasons for the way he acts, but no excuses. No matter how childish he is, there is no reason to treat a woman HE got pregnant like trash. He doesn’t answer my messages, he ignores me, he never asks for me, contacts me, asks for the child, nothing. He just treats me like nothing. All that matters is him. Even though he’s not even smart or handsome or something. There’s nothing special about him. 

He’s the poor little boy who can’t handle anything on his own. Who leaves when it gets creepy. Who’s scared of Slanderman. Who ALWAYS demands compassion from everyone. Who always thinks he has the most massive problems and he’s the only one people should feel sorry for or help. He’s always the victim. He doesn’t even imagine I may be actually the one with the problem.

I have mental disorders.

I struggle to make progresses and recover.

I need support.

I am having a baby.

But he somehow doesn’t give a shit. Is he really so stupid? So egoistic? So childish? Or what else is wrong with him? I don’t need him, not at all. I’ve never needed any guy, never felt lovesickness, never was broken up with. I just wanna know why- even though that wouldn’t be an excuse either. And I demand to be treated with some respect. And I want him to pay. That’s all I want from him. I don’t care about the other stuff. I wanna understand what is going on and why he’s been such an asshole for 2 months now- so far- and why he refuses everything I ask him for, even whatsapp messages. (Which is also asocial, btw. When someone texts you and you’re online and read it, YOU ANSWER. It’s called manners.) Damn, how couldn’t I notice who he actually is? Or did he really change so fast and extremely? I just want answers, but how am I supposed to get them? He wants me to understand, but HOW? And WHAT? 

Btw, I’ll already go back to the psychosomatic hospital tomorrow. (Instead of May.) All the shit about my ex made me completely forget to tell about it. 

Past

About: moving on.

Save Me From My Demons

If there is anything that I have learned over the past few years, is that you can’t surrender yourself to your past. Our past doesn’t define us, we shouldn’t let our past hold us back so we can’t reach our future.

For some of us, our past can be pretty dark and scary. For others it can be bright and sunny and beautiful.

But the thing about our past is that…. it’s past us. No wait, we are past it. We are past it all, and the number one most important thing that we have learned… is that we can’t look back. When we look back, we begin to miss it because it’s the one thing we are sure about, when we look back we want to stay. But we can’t stay in the past.

We need to be able to grow, to be free.

No matter how dark and…

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Monster…

Save Me From My Demons

When we were younger, we believed that there were monsters under our beds and in our closets. We believed they only came out at night. So we would make our guardians check to make sure the monsters weren’t there. We had a night light because we thought the light would scare them away. We hid under our covers because we thought that it would protects us. We believed in see no evil than there is no evil.

As we grow older… We stop checking. We go to bed with out checking. We sleep with no light. We no longer hide. We believe we are too old to believe in monsters. We believe that they do not exist.

But you see… monsters do exist, we have just been looking in the wrong places.

It’s hard for to find our monsters because they hide to well. They present themselves as angels. They…

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In the mind of the eating disorder

A therapist once told me: “You know, it’s kind of wondrous. Others try to lose weight over and over again, but can’t, and you? You just set your goal and do it. Where do you think is the reason? Where is the difference between you and the others, besides the eating disorder?”
At first I was really stunned and even taken by surprise. What did he want to tell me with that? That I was not a completely hopeless case and had at least enough discipline to starve myself by choice? Yeah, that must be true strength. Therapists like him are also the ones who like to ask you (the girl with the ED) during a therapy session that they are planning on losing some weight for the upcoming bikini season. 
Well, back to the topic. Why can some people lose so much weight so easily and others just can’t even after a hundred tries? And why do so many of them have eating disorders? There must be something about it. Some good anorexia tips. Who likes to change his lifestyle, eat healthy and work out? Crash diets and starvation are so much more effective!
Well… The thing is, anorexia and weight loss success don’t have much to do with discipline and willpower. It’s more about the motive (Latin motus = motion, driving). Most of the anorexic girls and women don’t actually want the perfect bikini body the media wants them to have. The motive has a much higher priority. It’s about control, power and the own ideals. But also about fear, austerity and perfectionism. And a lot of other (often unconscious) things like a missing self esteem. 
But whatever the motive is, the more priority it’s given, the bigger chance the person has to reach the goals. 
We don’t need motivation from the outside, no compliments or insults to strengthen the inner motivation. Who gets demotivated too fast, has too high goals or unrealistic expectations. We don’t consider bad days as relapses. We’re still on the way to the same goal. Every day, good or bad, leads us to where we want to be. And we know we’ll make it. There is no other option, there mustn’t be. Because otherwise we could lose much more than just a damn dress size…

My motivation wall!

Right in front of my room in the corridor, I have covered almost the whole wall with things to motivate me during my recovery. And because I added a new piece today, I’d like to show you the whole wall.

The new one: 

  
The old ones- and because I couldn’t get the wall on one photo, I took one of each piece. (WARNING: most of the stuff is in German cuz I am half German!) 

   
         

That’s it- for now. My way to remind me every day of staying strong and never giving up. I plan on doing more collages and similar stuff to fill the whole wall.