I can’t tell you how I feel right now. All I know is I’m confused, exhausted and tired, but feelings? No clue. My anger and madness on my now-ex has faded. (Yeah I broke up a couple days ago.) It wouldn’t make sense anyway. He’s an egoistic asshole and won’t change. The only person that counts in his world is him. How couldn’t I notice that over the past three years? Because I was in love? Does it make this blind? But I wasn’t even in love during the first year we knew each other! Can love hide a whole personality? I’ve always known he’s dumb, never experienced this thing called parenting because his mom is a slut and his dad left him, I knew he often lies without even noticing it and he shows the whole world he’s the poor boy, but he was never narcissistic. He used to care about me. Be there for the ones he loved. He always said his friends meant the most to him. Did it change so drastically or didn’t I notice what an asshole he’d actually always been? I don’t get his behavior. Why is he acting like this? Why does he treat me like a piece of shit? Because he’s scared? Because he’s a pussy? Because he’s immature? Because he still has the brain of a 4 y old? Or just because he’s a jerk? Maybe there are reasons for the way he acts, but no excuses. No matter how childish he is, there is no reason to treat a woman HE got pregnant like trash. He doesn’t answer my messages, he ignores me, he never asks for me, contacts me, asks for the child, nothing. He just treats me like nothing. All that matters is him. Even though he’s not even smart or handsome or something. There’s nothing special about him.
He’s the poor little boy who can’t handle anything on his own. Who leaves when it gets creepy. Who’s scared of Slanderman. Who ALWAYS demands compassion from everyone. Who always thinks he has the most massive problems and he’s the only one people should feel sorry for or help. He’s always the victim. He doesn’t even imagine I may be actually the one with the problem.
I have mental disorders.
I struggle to make progresses and recover.
I need support.
I am having a baby.
But he somehow doesn’t give a shit. Is he really so stupid? So egoistic? So childish? Or what else is wrong with him? I don’t need him, not at all. I’ve never needed any guy, never felt lovesickness, never was broken up with. I just wanna know why- even though that wouldn’t be an excuse either. And I demand to be treated with some respect. And I want him to pay. That’s all I want from him. I don’t care about the other stuff. I wanna understand what is going on and why he’s been such an asshole for 2 months now- so far- and why he refuses everything I ask him for, even whatsapp messages. (Which is also asocial, btw. When someone texts you and you’re online and read it, YOU ANSWER. It’s called manners.) Damn, how couldn’t I notice who he actually is? Or did he really change so fast and extremely? I just want answers, but how am I supposed to get them? He wants me to understand, but HOW? And WHAT?
Btw, I’ll already go back to the psychosomatic hospital tomorrow. (Instead of May.) All the shit about my ex made me completely forget to tell about it.