I’m at school, waiting for the pedagogue to have time for me. I agreed to my therapists idea that I’ll go to her whenever I feel fucked up. So I’m here again. I have to hold my tears back because a bunch of kids are sitting next to me cuz they got the lesson free. And I won’t cry in front of some stupid kids. Definitely not.
I don’t even know why I feel like this again. I feel like dying. Some invisible hand is grabbing my throat, keeping me from being able to breathe. I’m swimming in the sea and there are demons under my feet trying to pull me down and make me drown.
I struggle, but I can’t resist. I’m dying. This pain inside of me is killing me.
And even worse: I’m obviously pregnant. I forgot the condom on Monday with my boyfriend and my period should have started on Tuesday or Wednesday and now it’s Thursday.
I called my gynecologist and told him about that and also about the pain in my belly and the sick feeling and he said it could be true. I already forgot condoms a couple times, but I was always lucky- this time it’s different.
But I don’t have to worry: there is a day-after pill you can take up to 72 hours after venery. I just have to go to my doc this afternoon. No one will find out, I’ll get rid of this shit and at least my body will be fine again. I definitely couldn’t take a pregnancy or even a child. Damn, no. Worst case scenario.
So, the pill will fix the mess in my belly, but what about my mind? I wish there was a magical cure for this shit too. But there is no cure.
I won’t survive this until May when I’ll get back to hospital.
I try so hard, but I just can’t handle it anymore, no matter how bad I struggle to stay strong and keep going. It’s just not possible to make it until May without killing myself to kill the demons inside of me.
Why can’t I be happy for once in my life?
Sharp as a marble, these stones keep my feet on the ground.
And no one is here to help me. My mom works, my boyfriend too, my best friend is three hours away and my other best friend is in Canada because she’s part of an exchange program that takes a whole year. Which means she’ll come back in June.
So I’m basically completely on my own right now.
Pregnant, depressed and a bit suicidal. Yay.