I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We all know what happened- sex, shower together, he cooked dinner for me, we enjoyed the first spring sunlight of the year and had a drink in the garden. I was happy. He made me happy. He always makes me happy. And now? I feel dead again. Numb to everything. Today I got up in the morning, changed my clothes, went downstairs and cuddled my dogs on the floor while my mom made us some coffee and then, for no reason, I suddenly started to cry. I almost never cry. I hate it. It only makes everything worse, you get even more desperate and look like a stupid, stubborn, helpless child. And that’s the opposite of how I want to be.
But today I did it- in the middle of the living room, on the floor while I was hugging my dogs and my mom made the coffee. That was so weird. I mean, we all always knew I’m sick and crazy and bla, but something like this had never happened before!
Even though my moms arms around me made me feel comfortable and safe, I could have killed myself for being so… needy.
Afterwards, I even went to school and tried to cheer myself up the whole day, but that made me only feel worse. Rollo May said: Depression is the inability to construct a future. Whoever he is or was, I’m starting to believe him. And I hate that.
I just want the fucking month to be over. And the following too. Because in May, I’ll go back to the only hospital that was ever able to help me and then there will be finally new hope for me. They already helped me there last year, it just wasn’t enough yet because the relapses still fuck me up like shit. I wish I could go there earlier, but that won’t work with my school because leaving in April would mean losing another school year and that’s the thing I gotta avoid the most. I will not sit in this high school even longer than I already have to. I already lost one year. Awful enough.
Okay, I have to admit, going back to the hospital makes me feel even more needy than I already do, but I know I need that and they are the only ones who can help me. Because I wanna survive this shit. I don’t wanna die, not after everything I’ve been through! I’ve survived too much to die now. I don’t know if there will ever be a chance for me to completely recover and if you want me to be honest, yeah, I doubt it, but I’ll just keep going and keep trying. I owe myself that. And the ones I love too. I can still kill myself in a few years if everything will fall apart again. But right now, I wanna fight. The thing is: I can’t do it on my own. And at home, I am on my own. Nobody is here to help me. They will never know what if feels like.
I just want the time to go by… Please… I need the help. Now.
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