No support, but I don’t care

I’m so mad at everyone right now.

Because I’m all alone. No one supports me. They’re all against me.
You’re ruining your life, they say.
You won’t make it, they say.
You’re not strong enough.
You can’t even handle yourself.
You’re way too sick.
You’re still a kid.
You’ll make the child’s life a nightmare.
You can’t be a mother.
You’re too weak.
No one is on my side.
No one.
But you know what? That makes me even stronger.
I’ve survived so many years without the help from anyone but myself.
I’ll prove them wrong. They have no idea what I’m capable of. They all think they know everything better, but they’ve been through less shit in their whole damn lives than I’ve been through within the last five years. They don’t know anything.
Stand up for what you believe in even if it means you’re standing alone.
I’ve always been alone with my beliefs, but I’ve always made it through alone.
They have no right to judge me cuz they have no idea what’s going on inside of me or what I’m able to do. I’ll never ever let them convince me.
This is my business and mine alone.
They all say you gotta follow your dreams and not listen to anyone, but once you start doing exactly that, they all suddenly change their minds, but I don’t care.
I’ve never been the one to follow their rules. 
When you don’t fit in, there are only two opportunities: you fall apart in their world or you build your own one.

Havin’ a good day!

I’m on my way to my gynecologist- again. Another check. They check me all the time because of the baby. Honestly… I’m scared. I’m in the sixth week. Most babies die around that time. My mom already lost a kid in the sixth one. You know, that’s strange: I never wanted this child, but now since I chose to keep it, I’m scared of losing it. I’m starting to look forward to having this kid and raising it. The idea of losing it during or even after the pregnancy scares the hell out of me. I WANT my child.
I WANT to raise it, love it, give anything for it. Becoming it seems to be a chance for me to change my whole life, start new, change something about myself.
A chance for a life with my boyfriend and our child.
Oh my gosh, in less than an hour I’ll be there… I’m so damn scared.
Please, let the baby be well and healthy. I don’t know who I’m praying to right now because I don’t believe in any religions, but whatever.
I’ll just pray to Marilyn Manson.
– 2 hours later – The baby is healthy!! Omg I’m so glad! And even better: we found an apartment that’s perfect for us and in our area! I’m so happy right now, I can’t take it.
I hope we’ll make this our place for our little family.
Oh, and by the way: I went to a Black Veil Brides concert in my city last Saturday cuz my dog said it wouldn’t be a problem if I wouldn’t stand right in front of the boxes and of course, wouldn’t drink or smoke. Well, about the concert: I gotta say, the audience was the most awful one I’ve ever seen in my entire life. (Only teen pop concerts are worse, but I’m glad I’ve never been to one and will never be.) The average visitor on this concert was female, 13 or 14 years old, on a concert for the first time in her life and even though many of them brought their mommys too, they didn’t know ANYTHING about manners or how to be polite. I’ve never been in the middle of such an uncivil  audience. Awful. BUT the show was the complete opposite. It was fucking awesome.
Much better than I had expected and one of the best performances I’ve ever seen- and for a 17-year old I’ve already been on a WHOLE LOT of concerts and even festivals.

I’ll be a mommy!

Yep, I made a decision because otherwise my doctor would have arranged an appointment for the abortion. My mom and the father of my child are both against keeping the child and would prefer an abortion cuz I’m too young and too sick and bla and of course they’re right, but also I consider this pregnancy as a new chance for a new life. For me it’s the biggest motivation to recover I’ll ever get. I think this is the chance for me to change everything and start new and give my life a meaning.

And I don’t give a shit about the people who refuse to support me. I never had a father, so I’ll also make it without a mother even though it’s a sad thing. And I know my boyfriend will stay with me and support me as much as he can. Yeah, he doesn’t want this child, but it’s his too and he knows that and he won’t run away from this responsibility. (He wouldn’t have a chance to anyway) We’ll get a small apartment together short before the birth date (we got a lot of time until them- I’m only in the forth week) and I’ll stay at home for about a year for the baby while he’ll only take a break from work for a few weeks and then go back to work during the day.
We won’t have much money, but thanks to the state we live in, enough to live until the kid is old enough to go to a day care center before noon while I’ll finish high school. And I’ll get us a dog. I can’t live without pets and my mom took them.
Nope, it will never be easy, but has my life ever been that?
Nope, it hasn’t. I’ve survived so much shit, this will be like a nap compared to the past.
Of course I’m not a hopeless romantic and I know my boyfriend may leave me if it’s gonna me too much for him even though I don’t expect something so asshole-like from him, but then I’ll make it on my own. It’s my child and I’ll give anything for it.
And my boyfriend will support us because after everything that we’ve been through he owes me (or us) that. Even if he’ll only pay money. His decision. I won’t force him.
But no matter what’s gonna happen, I will never ever leave this child alone. 
I’m the mother and I’ll go through hell to give the child the best it deserves.
There is even a risk it may be disabled because I took fluoxetine and quetiapine during the first three weeks of this pregnancy, but I don’t care. All I can do is hope it will be born well and healthy and I’ll give him the life he or she deserves.
Mothers never leave their kids alone.
I’ll never give up on Jamie, no matter what it takes.
(Yeah, Jamie, I always wanted to name my kid this name and no one can stop me from fulfilling this plan)
I know the youth welfare office won’t support me and will give anything to stop me and place us into some fucking stupid institution for mothers and their kids because they can’t take care of them on their own, but I’ll never move into such a stupid setup.
I know I’m not even an adult yet and have mental disorders, but I’ll be the best fucking mom ever. 
And you can all go to hell.


I’m pregnant.

Looks like the day-after pill is not THAT safe. Now I have a problem. What am I gonna do? I don’t want to have an abortion, but I can’t have a baby either. I’m not ready for it. I’m not strong enough. Not good enough. Not yet. And to make it even worse: to have an arbotion, they’ll have to take off a blood sample and during the operation, I’ll get infusions through needles and the thing is: I have a phobia of all kinds of needles in my veins. Not an anxiety. A fucking phobia.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

March 12th

I’m at school, waiting for the pedagogue to have time for me. I agreed to my therapists idea that I’ll go to her whenever I feel fucked up. So I’m here again. I have to hold my tears back because a bunch of kids are sitting next to me cuz they got the lesson free. And I won’t cry in front of some stupid kids. Definitely not.

I don’t even know why I feel like this again. I feel like dying. Some invisible hand is grabbing my throat, keeping me from being able to breathe. I’m swimming in the sea and there are demons under my feet trying to pull me down and make me drown.
I struggle, but I can’t resist. I’m dying. This pain inside of me is killing me.
And even worse: I’m obviously pregnant. I forgot the condom on Monday with my boyfriend and my period should have started on Tuesday or Wednesday and now it’s Thursday.
I called my gynecologist and told him about that and also about the pain in my belly and the sick feeling and he said it could be true. I already forgot condoms a couple times, but I was always lucky- this time it’s different.
But I don’t have to worry: there is a day-after pill you can take up to 72 hours after venery. I just have to go to my doc this afternoon. No one will find out, I’ll get rid of this shit and at least my body will be fine again. I definitely couldn’t take a pregnancy or even a child. Damn, no. Worst case scenario. 
So, the pill will fix the mess in my belly, but what about my mind? I wish there was a magical cure for this shit too. But there is no cure.
I won’t survive this until May when I’ll get back to hospital. 
I try so hard, but I just can’t handle it anymore, no matter how bad I struggle to stay strong and keep going. It’s just not possible to make it until May without killing myself to kill the demons inside of me.
Why can’t I be happy for once in my life?
Sharp as a marble, these stones keep my feet on the ground.
And no one is here to help me. My mom works, my boyfriend too, my best friend is three hours away and my other best friend is in Canada because she’s part of an exchange program that takes a whole year. Which means she’ll come back in June. 
So I’m basically completely on my own right now.
Pregnant, depressed and a bit suicidal. Yay. 

Numb- again.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We all know what happened- sex, shower together, he cooked dinner for me, we enjoyed the first spring sunlight of the year and had a drink in the garden. I was happy. He made me happy. He always makes me happy. And now? I feel dead again. Numb to everything. Today I got up in the morning, changed my clothes, went downstairs and cuddled my dogs on the floor while my mom made us some coffee and then, for no reason, I suddenly started to cry. I almost never cry. I hate it. It only makes everything worse, you get even more desperate and look like a stupid, stubborn, helpless child. And that’s the opposite of how I want to be.
But today I did it- in the middle of the living room, on the floor while I was hugging my dogs and my mom made the coffee. That was so weird. I mean, we all always knew I’m sick and crazy and bla, but something like this had never happened before!
Even though my moms arms around me made me feel comfortable and safe, I could have killed myself for being so… needy.
Afterwards, I even went to school and tried to cheer myself up the whole day, but that made me only feel worse. Rollo May said: Depression is the inability to construct a future. Whoever he is or was, I’m starting to believe him. And I hate that.
I just want the fucking month to be over. And the following too. Because in May, I’ll go back to the only hospital that was ever able to help me and then there will be finally new hope for me. They already helped me there last year, it just wasn’t enough yet because the relapses still fuck me up like shit. I wish I could go there earlier, but that won’t work with my school because leaving in April would mean losing another school year and that’s the thing I gotta avoid the most. I will not sit in this high school even longer than I already have to. I already lost one year. Awful enough.
Okay, I have to admit, going back to the hospital makes me feel even more needy than I already do, but I know I need that and they are the only ones who can help me. Because I wanna survive this shit. I don’t wanna die, not after everything I’ve been through! I’ve survived too much to die now. I don’t know if there will ever be a chance for me to completely recover and if you want me to be honest, yeah, I doubt it, but I’ll just keep going and keep trying. I owe myself that. And the ones I love too. I can still kill myself in a few years if everything will fall apart again. But right now, I wanna fight. The thing is: I can’t do it on my own. And at home, I am on my own. Nobody is here to help me. They will never know what if feels like.
I just want the time to go by… Please… I need the help. Now.