I should be happy- but I’m not.

I’m sitting in the airplane to Barcelona and the thing is, I should actually feel amazing.
I got my ex back yesterday even though he actually wanted to start it off slow this time because I hurt him so badly when I just left him without a word in 2013, but when I invited him to my place ‘just to watch American Horror Story’, I sort of managed it to completely destroy his plan 😀
Of course I also had sex with him and went to a great concert with a chaotic funny friend of mine later and now I’m spending my week off in Spain and when I’ll be back on Sunday, my bae will come over again and we will ‘cuddle’ (at least afterwards). And next week, my school exchange partner from the Netherlands will be here for 7 or 8 days (I’m not sure) and I expect this week to be a pretty cool one too. The Dutch are known as great guys.
The only bad thing is that my boyfriend will go to his doc on Thursday and he’ll tell him if he got leukemia or not and of course I’m fucking scared of getting this diagnosis.
But that’s actually the only ‘bad’ thing about the upcoming weeks and it’s not really that bad because I mean, I don’t know it yet and it’s possible that he doesn’t even have this type of cancer. Maybe he’s perfectly healthy. (Okay, excluding his heart insufficiency, but he’s dealing with that thing really good)
And I’ll turn 17 next week when the exchange girl will be here and isn’t that actually also something to be cheery about? But somehow I’m not looking forward to it at all.
I hate my birthday. I hate all the candy and the cake and the gifts and that suddenly all the people who usually don’t give a shit about you act nice while they’re talking crap about you behind your back like they always do. Everyone suddenly treats you so nice and friendly and whatever and the day after, they don’t care at all anymore.
Yeah, I kinda hate my birthday expect the 21st cuz, you know, that’s the only one that’s really awesome. You can get drunk like shit and do whatever the fuck you want and nobody can tell you to not do it anymore!
So basically I should be happy about everything expect this leukemia thing but which isn’t even sure yet, but I’m so damn depressed again. My mind is driving me literally crazy. I always try to focus on the good things and even started a so called ‘lucky diary’ where you write down one good thing down about every day to give even bad days a little light, but that doesn’t seem to help. Even my boyfriend got better even though he’s had his shit for like ten fucking years now! Why is everyone getting better and making it through and I’m not? I mean, not to sound bitchy- I’m SOO proud and happy how he’s dealing with everything and actually really didn’t expect him to have so much strength because he REALLY has that. He’s been schizophrenic and suicidal and self harming for so many years now and he really manages to make it through, stay strong and keep going. He hasn’t heard voices or cut his wrists in a year now.
I’m so proud of him and that makes me love him even more. I actually thought he’d be a bit like a problem again that weighs me down again because of his massive issues, but now he’s actually better than me and I’m the liability in our relationship. Crazy how the roles can change.
Damn it, I just want to feel good, but I just can’t! I tried everything and it still doesn’t work at all! Maybe I just don’t deserve it. I don’t know.
I applied for a hospital again where I’ve already spent a few months in 2014 because that was the only one that ever really helped me and turns out that this help still wasn’t enough. I really wish I could do this on my own, but obviously I can’t, so I need some more help because I really want to be healthy one day. I’ll go there in summer to not screw up another school year.
I wanna be able to live a normal life. I don’t wanna be a grenade anymore everyone should get away from because it could burst into flames the next second.
I don’t wanna be the freak in the corner, the girl with this creepy dark mind, I don’t wanna think about killing myself and other people ALL DAY.
Some nights ago I even dreamt about murdering my sister who is the most important person in my life. I woke up and my cruel thoughts scared the hell out of me, but still this sick part inside of me almost got wet thinking about sticking a knife into her chest.
Maybe I’m just a hopeless case. But I won’t give up, not yet. I gotta keep trying.


elena, gifs, and heart image

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