Thunderstorm in my head- again.

Right now I feel like crying but I can’t because I’m sitting in a train.
I’m mentally completely fucked up. What is wrong with me? WHAT?
There are all these stones in my soul, every stone has its story and weighs me down. There may be gold hidden by rock and sand, but I’ll have to search even harder to find them now. And I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. Sharp as a marble these stones keep my feet on the ground and I just can’t get rid of them…
I’m crazy, sick, insane, out of my mind.
The man I’ve loved for 2 years now just kissed me and I’m sadder than ever even though I love him more than anything.
Why do I feel this way? Something is seriously wrong with me and I’m not talking about my depression or my eating disorder or my borderline syndrome or any of the other shit the doctors diagnosed. I mean, all I waited for was him to kiss me and now I want to rip the veins out of my arms just to see my body hemorrhage. I can’t live with myself.
Does he even love me? Does he want me back? Does he want to sleep with me? Does he want to be with me? He gave me all his love and all I gave him was goodbye and when I came back to him, he didn’t want me anymore. That was in 2014, now it’s 2015 and he told me he still loves me, but… I don’t know if that’s true.
I want him. I need him. His eyes have told a thousand lies, but I believe them when they look in mine.

I miss his soft skin, his sweet smile, so good to me, so right and how he held me in his arms that September night, the first time he ever saw me cry. Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming, but if we loved again, I swear I’d love him right. Because I can’t lose him again. I wish I had realized what I had when he was mine.
He and my sister are the only persons in this world that make this life worth living.
Why do I still want this guy? And why do I want to die after kissing him?
Could someone please just tell me what is so fucking wrong with my head?
Please, doctors, tell me because I can’t keep living like this anymore, I honestly can’t!
I wish they’d just lock me up again and give me stronger meds to keep me asleep forever. Or even better: an accidentally overdose.

Come on, take a look at my body, look at my hands, there’s so much here that I don’t understand. I’ve been treated so wrong, I’ve been treated so long as if I’m becoming untouchable. Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart. They say that promises sweeten the blow, but I don’t need them. I’m a slow dying flower in the frost killing hour, sweet turning sour and untouchable.
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness, oh I need this, I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, an angel, sweet love of my life…
Do you remember the way that you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored.
When it’s dark enough, can you see me? Do you want me? Can you reach me?
Or I’m leaving, then you shut your mouth and hold your breath, I kiss you now and catch my death…

No matter how hard I try or how good I feel, there’s this pain inside of me and the pain is with me all the time. And then there’s you, my dilemma. I know you’re not good for me and this is not meant to be, but you’re my dilemma and one half of me wants ya while the other half wants to forget… There’s a reason that you’re still here in my heart, a reason why I still press your letters to my lips and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss, a reason why I couldn’t face a life without your light. What is this reason? Is it my own insanity?

I don’t know. Maybe I never will. My mind is killing me. Maybe my best friend could help me or at least understand me because she was the only one who could ever understand me, but… Even if she was here, I couldn’t see her. I will never see her beautiful face again. The dead are living, but we can’t see them, we never will.

 

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