No, I’m not talking about the guy I dumbed in February and also not about the one in January. I was in love with neither of them. They just made me feel safe, loved and secure. Actually I’m talking about the man I broke up with in November 2013.
Yeah, pretty long time ago. Why am I still missing him? I recently had to face the truth: I’ve always loved him. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved and also the only one I ever told those three words because only when I was with him… It was true. I used to think it was the right decision to call it off, but assuming that was such a great mistake.
I shouldn’t have let him down. No, he’s not perfect at all and during the past two years I’ve met three other guys and I’m pretty sure they’re all better for me than he is and he’s got more mistakes than any of the others, but somehow I still love this man.
I mean, why? He’s the only one I’ve ever been with who’s even crazier than me (he has schizophrenia) and he’s not sexy or handsome and so fucking complicated and a liar and doesn’t even have a real job. But the heart wants what it wants and now I finally admitted I’ve always wanted HIM. Maybe he’s the one for me, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I’ll never figure that out as long as I stay away from him.
So I invited him to Starbucks for Sunday. Sort of a date. Even though I don’t even know if he’s single right now. I mean, he always has some slutty chick because he can’t be alone- he never loves any of them, but somehow I think that he loved me and I hope he still does that because I’m sure he still did it in spring 2014. Almost a year passed since then, but all I can do is hope that his feelings for me didn’t fade.
I’m scared of seeing him because it would be the like biggest disappointment ever if I ran back to him and he didn’t want me, but I’d rather go through that than never know if there’s still something between the two of us. I hate running after someone.
I never do that. It’s just not me. But this time I don’t have a choice. For once in my life, I really love someone. I’ve been knowing him for 3 years so far and I’ve been in love with him for 2 and we once were a couple and even though we didn’t even have sex (!!!!) it was actually the BEST relationship in my fucking whole life. Isn’t that crazy?
If I hadn’t lost my mind a decade ago, he would have made me lose it.
He’s just driving me crazy. Yeah, I recently talked about this perfect guy who looks and acts and actually is perfect for me, but I faced the truth and that means that I only fancied him. Because, you know, he’s just the personification of my dream prince.
No real feelings. Not at all. I’m complicated because of my borderline syndrome when it comes to feelings, but that’s the like only thing I know for sure.
That the only man I’ve ever loved was the one I’ll see on Sunday.
I hope so bad he still wants me. If not, my heart will be broken for the first time in my life and you may understand that I don’t really want that. Although… No. Forget it.
I’ll see him. In two days. And then we’ll see. I need him so bad.
I’m such a stupid naive girl. Why do I want him? WHY?
There are so many better guys! And furthermore, I actually have my own problems and they are already enough struggle and stress for me! I self harmed again by hitting my shin against the wall cuz I swore to never cut myself again because of the damn scars.
And I purged some food too because I just can’t live with my body. Not with THIS body. I have a normal weight and to me, that’s like the worst state of obesity. Adiposity. No, even worse. And even though I have way more serious problems, all I can think about is him again since I dreamt of him some days ago. No matter how hard I try to keep him out of my life, he somehow manages to stay in my heart.
Stupid heart.

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