Being sad

Right now I’m sad. You’ll be like: she’s suffering from depression, so that’s normal, but it’s not. In my opinion, there’s a huge difference between sadness and being depressed. Because it’s not this typical depression thing when you’re suicidal and hopeless and feel like drowning, you’re more… Desperate. Tired. Exhausted. Powerless. For the typical depressed mood are no external influences and factors necessary, but for sadness, there are always reasons. Today I’m sad because I feel like I’ve lost myself. Again. I just wanna lay in my bed and hide myself from the world. Everything scares me and I just wanna fall asleep and forget about everything, but I can’t. And I’m sad because nothing goes the right way and I’ve been trying to recover for so many years and still this shit doesn’t work! And most of all, I’m mad at myself because of this sadness. It makes me feel so weak and fragile.
I need to be strong, untouchable, titanium. That’s the only way I’ll make it through.
I’d feel better if my best friend was here right now. But now, the razor blade beside me needs to replace her. Both have one thing in common: they never lie to me. But the blades have much sharper tongues. And now I know they won’t help me tame the monster inside of me.
Wow, actually I wanted to write something inspiring or whatever and now it sounds like the worst page in my diary. Can you believe I already won awards at school for the stories I wrote? Me neither.

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