Dear diary

A new day has just begun, I’m sitting in a bus on my way to a mountain where we’ll wander with our exchange students today. The sun is shining, I got drunk yesterday, my boyfriend stayed for the night, we had good sex and today he left after breakfast to go to work. Everything is fine, but I wish I was dead. I don’t understand these breakdowns. I don’t understand my mind. I was so happy yesterday and now I wish I had a razor to tear apart my skin. I remember a quote from one of my favorite bands called The Pretty Reckless: my body breathes, heart still beats, but I am not alive.
That’s exactly my condition right now. Even though I’m alive, I feel dead inside.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard, but I just can’t get away from this shit. What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me, depression?
I tried everything I could! Why are you never ever satisfied with what you get? I fucking don’t want to die, I want to survive this shit and recover and have the life that I’ve always wanted, the life that I deserve! But it just doesn’t work! I just don’t know what happiness feels like because no matter how good I feel, there’s a pain that’s with me all the time!
Whenever I feel better and things get positive, there suddenly pops up something to destroy me again. There’s a demon in my head making my life a nightmare I can’t wake up from. I just wanna cuddle up in my bed, cover my face with the blanket, turn on depressed music and never crawl out again. I try so hard to hold on and stay strong, but this is basically impossible.
What am I doing here? Why am I acting like this? Why don’t I even remember what it feels like to be lucky? On Monday (my birthday) I’ll officially have depression for four years and the ED for six. No one knows for how long my personality and impulse disorder because no one knows when it actually first came up. My psychiatrist assumes I’ve already been like this as a small child. Such a great motivation. I’ve always been sick.
I’m so incredibly endlessly sad, so desperate, so miserable. Nothing makes sense.
The pants I’m wearing today are too large now because I lost weight. But it’s not enough, not yet. I wanna be thin and fragile again even though I know it won’t make me any happier, but at least I’ll be prettier and the eating disorder will give my life a little control and sense back. I’ll have something to focus on again. The weight loss.
I won’t just keep rotting like I’m doing right now.
This body is a cage, this life a nightmare.
Sometimes I wish I could just end it, end it all, but I have to stay strong.
For me, for my sister and for my boyfriend.
But it hurts so damn much. Every day, every minute, every second of my life.
I’m so glad when I’ll finally be in hospital again in summer. I won’t feel any better there, but at least there will be people who know what to do with me because I really don’t have a clue how to handle myself anymore.
I just wanna die. Maybe I’ll do it. Maybe it will work this time. Maybe I won’t turn 17 anymore. Maybe it will be all over. Maybe it’s better that way.

anger, caroline forbes, and inspiration image

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Do you know what it’s like?

I wrote this for some bitch whom I told that I’m suffering from an eating disorder and depression and a few other things she answered something like this: where is your problem? Stop exaggerating. We all diet sometimes and during puberty, everyone has breakdowns and a mood that goes up and down and sometimes even sadness for no reason.
Later I told her about losing my best friend and her answer was: well, everyone dies sooner or later. And by the way, suicide is an act of cowardice anyway. I could also name other things she caricatured, but I guess it’s not necessary cuz you already got the point.
And all that shit coming out of her mouth pissed me off so damn much, but I have manners and higher standards, so I responded this instead of giving her medical definitions she wouldn’t care about anyway:

“Do you know what it’s like when:

– you wake up and want to die
– you slit up your own skin because you think you deserve the pain
– you stick your finger in your throat after every single meal
– you’re scared to leave your bed
– you go to bed and wish you’d never wake up again
– you feel like your skin is burning all the time
– you have nightmares about your future
– you’re rotting from the inside
– all you can think about is death
– you want to kill everyone you love
– you’re scared to even touch food
– you hate every inch of your body
– your body is your worst enemy
– you don’t feel anything at all for weeks expect this endless emptiness
– you don’t even feel physical pain anymore
– you can’t live without pills
– you’re scared to get close but hate being alone
– the most important person in your life dies
– you’re always alone
– no one can help you
– even doctors say it’s hopeless
– you don’t know what happiness feels like
– you feel the urge to kill everyone cuz you think all people are bad
– you can never trust anyone
– all you focus on is trying to numb the pain inside
– the pain is with you all the time
– no matter how good you feel, a part of you always stays dead
– you’d give everything in the world to talk to someone for one last time
– every height, knife or street is a temptation
– you only feel good while hurting others
– you can’t live with yourself
– you feel guilty for every single bite
– you want to punish yourself even though you don’t even have a reason for it

If you don’t, you should better shut the fuck up because you have no idea what you’re actually talking about. And you should be happy about that.
Mental illnesses are demons in your head and they try to kill you every day. Be glad you’re happy and normal, but don’t you dare to stultify people who are suffering from these things.

Sincerely, the ‘stupid little exaggerating girl'”

I know this was sort of exaggerating, but I couldn’t have made my point so clear otherwise.

I should be happy- but I’m not.

I’m sitting in the airplane to Barcelona and the thing is, I should actually feel amazing.
I got my ex back yesterday even though he actually wanted to start it off slow this time because I hurt him so badly when I just left him without a word in 2013, but when I invited him to my place ‘just to watch American Horror Story’, I sort of managed it to completely destroy his plan 😀
Of course I also had sex with him and went to a great concert with a chaotic funny friend of mine later and now I’m spending my week off in Spain and when I’ll be back on Sunday, my bae will come over again and we will ‘cuddle’ (at least afterwards). And next week, my school exchange partner from the Netherlands will be here for 7 or 8 days (I’m not sure) and I expect this week to be a pretty cool one too. The Dutch are known as great guys.
The only bad thing is that my boyfriend will go to his doc on Thursday and he’ll tell him if he got leukemia or not and of course I’m fucking scared of getting this diagnosis.
But that’s actually the only ‘bad’ thing about the upcoming weeks and it’s not really that bad because I mean, I don’t know it yet and it’s possible that he doesn’t even have this type of cancer. Maybe he’s perfectly healthy. (Okay, excluding his heart insufficiency, but he’s dealing with that thing really good)
And I’ll turn 17 next week when the exchange girl will be here and isn’t that actually also something to be cheery about? But somehow I’m not looking forward to it at all.
I hate my birthday. I hate all the candy and the cake and the gifts and that suddenly all the people who usually don’t give a shit about you act nice while they’re talking crap about you behind your back like they always do. Everyone suddenly treats you so nice and friendly and whatever and the day after, they don’t care at all anymore.
Yeah, I kinda hate my birthday expect the 21st cuz, you know, that’s the only one that’s really awesome. You can get drunk like shit and do whatever the fuck you want and nobody can tell you to not do it anymore!
So basically I should be happy about everything expect this leukemia thing but which isn’t even sure yet, but I’m so damn depressed again. My mind is driving me literally crazy. I always try to focus on the good things and even started a so called ‘lucky diary’ where you write down one good thing down about every day to give even bad days a little light, but that doesn’t seem to help. Even my boyfriend got better even though he’s had his shit for like ten fucking years now! Why is everyone getting better and making it through and I’m not? I mean, not to sound bitchy- I’m SOO proud and happy how he’s dealing with everything and actually really didn’t expect him to have so much strength because he REALLY has that. He’s been schizophrenic and suicidal and self harming for so many years now and he really manages to make it through, stay strong and keep going. He hasn’t heard voices or cut his wrists in a year now.
I’m so proud of him and that makes me love him even more. I actually thought he’d be a bit like a problem again that weighs me down again because of his massive issues, but now he’s actually better than me and I’m the liability in our relationship. Crazy how the roles can change.
Damn it, I just want to feel good, but I just can’t! I tried everything and it still doesn’t work at all! Maybe I just don’t deserve it. I don’t know.
I applied for a hospital again where I’ve already spent a few months in 2014 because that was the only one that ever really helped me and turns out that this help still wasn’t enough. I really wish I could do this on my own, but obviously I can’t, so I need some more help because I really want to be healthy one day. I’ll go there in summer to not screw up another school year.
I wanna be able to live a normal life. I don’t wanna be a grenade anymore everyone should get away from because it could burst into flames the next second.
I don’t wanna be the freak in the corner, the girl with this creepy dark mind, I don’t wanna think about killing myself and other people ALL DAY.
Some nights ago I even dreamt about murdering my sister who is the most important person in my life. I woke up and my cruel thoughts scared the hell out of me, but still this sick part inside of me almost got wet thinking about sticking a knife into her chest.
Maybe I’m just a hopeless case. But I won’t give up, not yet. I gotta keep trying.
I CAN MAKE IT.
I CAN SURVIVE THIS.

Somehow.

elena, gifs, and heart image

Thunderstorm in my head- again.

Right now I feel like crying but I can’t because I’m sitting in a train.
I’m mentally completely fucked up. What is wrong with me? WHAT?
There are all these stones in my soul, every stone has its story and weighs me down. There may be gold hidden by rock and sand, but I’ll have to search even harder to find them now. And I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. Sharp as a marble these stones keep my feet on the ground and I just can’t get rid of them…
I’m crazy, sick, insane, out of my mind.
The man I’ve loved for 2 years now just kissed me and I’m sadder than ever even though I love him more than anything.
Why do I feel this way? Something is seriously wrong with me and I’m not talking about my depression or my eating disorder or my borderline syndrome or any of the other shit the doctors diagnosed. I mean, all I waited for was him to kiss me and now I want to rip the veins out of my arms just to see my body hemorrhage. I can’t live with myself.
Does he even love me? Does he want me back? Does he want to sleep with me? Does he want to be with me? He gave me all his love and all I gave him was goodbye and when I came back to him, he didn’t want me anymore. That was in 2014, now it’s 2015 and he told me he still loves me, but… I don’t know if that’s true.
I want him. I need him. His eyes have told a thousand lies, but I believe them when they look in mine.

I miss his soft skin, his sweet smile, so good to me, so right and how he held me in his arms that September night, the first time he ever saw me cry. Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming, but if we loved again, I swear I’d love him right. Because I can’t lose him again. I wish I had realized what I had when he was mine.
He and my sister are the only persons in this world that make this life worth living.
Why do I still want this guy? And why do I want to die after kissing him?
Could someone please just tell me what is so fucking wrong with my head?
Please, doctors, tell me because I can’t keep living like this anymore, I honestly can’t!
I wish they’d just lock me up again and give me stronger meds to keep me asleep forever. Or even better: an accidentally overdose.

Come on, take a look at my body, look at my hands, there’s so much here that I don’t understand. I’ve been treated so wrong, I’ve been treated so long as if I’m becoming untouchable. Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart. They say that promises sweeten the blow, but I don’t need them. I’m a slow dying flower in the frost killing hour, sweet turning sour and untouchable.
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness, oh I need this, I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, an angel, sweet love of my life…
Do you remember the way that you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored.
When it’s dark enough, can you see me? Do you want me? Can you reach me?
Or I’m leaving, then you shut your mouth and hold your breath, I kiss you now and catch my death…

No matter how hard I try or how good I feel, there’s this pain inside of me and the pain is with me all the time. And then there’s you, my dilemma. I know you’re not good for me and this is not meant to be, but you’re my dilemma and one half of me wants ya while the other half wants to forget… There’s a reason that you’re still here in my heart, a reason why I still press your letters to my lips and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss, a reason why I couldn’t face a life without your light. What is this reason? Is it my own insanity?

I don’t know. Maybe I never will. My mind is killing me. Maybe my best friend could help me or at least understand me because she was the only one who could ever understand me, but… Even if she was here, I couldn’t see her. I will never see her beautiful face again. The dead are living, but we can’t see them, we never will.

 

In love with the ex

No, I’m not talking about the guy I dumbed in February and also not about the one in January. I was in love with neither of them. They just made me feel safe, loved and secure. Actually I’m talking about the man I broke up with in November 2013.
Yeah, pretty long time ago. Why am I still missing him? I recently had to face the truth: I’ve always loved him. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved and also the only one I ever told those three words because only when I was with him… It was true. I used to think it was the right decision to call it off, but assuming that was such a great mistake.
I shouldn’t have let him down. No, he’s not perfect at all and during the past two years I’ve met three other guys and I’m pretty sure they’re all better for me than he is and he’s got more mistakes than any of the others, but somehow I still love this man.
I mean, why? He’s the only one I’ve ever been with who’s even crazier than me (he has schizophrenia) and he’s not sexy or handsome and so fucking complicated and a liar and doesn’t even have a real job. But the heart wants what it wants and now I finally admitted I’ve always wanted HIM. Maybe he’s the one for me, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I’ll never figure that out as long as I stay away from him.
So I invited him to Starbucks for Sunday. Sort of a date. Even though I don’t even know if he’s single right now. I mean, he always has some slutty chick because he can’t be alone- he never loves any of them, but somehow I think that he loved me and I hope he still does that because I’m sure he still did it in spring 2014. Almost a year passed since then, but all I can do is hope that his feelings for me didn’t fade.
I’m scared of seeing him because it would be the like biggest disappointment ever if I ran back to him and he didn’t want me, but I’d rather go through that than never know if there’s still something between the two of us. I hate running after someone.
I never do that. It’s just not me. But this time I don’t have a choice. For once in my life, I really love someone. I’ve been knowing him for 3 years so far and I’ve been in love with him for 2 and we once were a couple and even though we didn’t even have sex (!!!!) it was actually the BEST relationship in my fucking whole life. Isn’t that crazy?
If I hadn’t lost my mind a decade ago, he would have made me lose it.
He’s just driving me crazy. Yeah, I recently talked about this perfect guy who looks and acts and actually is perfect for me, but I faced the truth and that means that I only fancied him. Because, you know, he’s just the personification of my dream prince.
No real feelings. Not at all. I’m complicated because of my borderline syndrome when it comes to feelings, but that’s the like only thing I know for sure.
That the only man I’ve ever loved was the one I’ll see on Sunday.
I hope so bad he still wants me. If not, my heart will be broken for the first time in my life and you may understand that I don’t really want that. Although… No. Forget it.
I’ll see him. In two days. And then we’ll see. I need him so bad.
I’m such a stupid naive girl. Why do I want him? WHY?
There are so many better guys! And furthermore, I actually have my own problems and they are already enough struggle and stress for me! I self harmed again by hitting my shin against the wall cuz I swore to never cut myself again because of the damn scars.
And I purged some food too because I just can’t live with my body. Not with THIS body. I have a normal weight and to me, that’s like the worst state of obesity. Adiposity. No, even worse. And even though I have way more serious problems, all I can think about is him again since I dreamt of him some days ago. No matter how hard I try to keep him out of my life, he somehow manages to stay in my heart.
Stupid heart.

Drowning

What doesn’t kill you makes you wish you were dead
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper
And I can’t take one more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up

It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
I’m not okay, and it’s not alright
Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown

black and white, rain, and ocean image

What doesn’t destroy you, leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can’t take one more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up

It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
I’m not okay, and it’s not alright
Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?

‘Cause you know that I can’t do this on my own
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown…

Being sad

Right now I’m sad. You’ll be like: she’s suffering from depression, so that’s normal, but it’s not. In my opinion, there’s a huge difference between sadness and being depressed. Because it’s not this typical depression thing when you’re suicidal and hopeless and feel like drowning, you’re more… Desperate. Tired. Exhausted. Powerless. For the typical depressed mood are no external influences and factors necessary, but for sadness, there are always reasons. Today I’m sad because I feel like I’ve lost myself. Again. I just wanna lay in my bed and hide myself from the world. Everything scares me and I just wanna fall asleep and forget about everything, but I can’t. And I’m sad because nothing goes the right way and I’ve been trying to recover for so many years and still this shit doesn’t work! And most of all, I’m mad at myself because of this sadness. It makes me feel so weak and fragile.
I need to be strong, untouchable, titanium. That’s the only way I’ll make it through.
I’d feel better if my best friend was here right now. But now, the razor blade beside me needs to replace her. Both have one thing in common: they never lie to me. But the blades have much sharper tongues. And now I know they won’t help me tame the monster inside of me.
Wow, actually I wanted to write something inspiring or whatever and now it sounds like the worst page in my diary. Can you believe I already won awards at school for the stories I wrote? Me neither.