Stressed, depressed, but well dressed.

The holidays are over now and they were actually much better than I had expected. Of course I also had a lot of breakdowns, but I was doing fine most of the time meeting new and old friends, going shopping, partying and having fun. Tomorrow I’ll gotta go to school again and I’m so scared of the upcoming exams in chemistry and physics because I suck at these two subjects. I have to pass the tests. I already failed one school year which is why I’m grade 9 now instead of 10 and I don’t wanna repeat another school year. Also, I’ll apply for the next school with my 9th grade skills because I’m going to a German school where you only spend 10 school years and then you have a graduation, but can’t study. So I need to graduate 12th grade to be able to go to a university. And when I’ll go back to the United States after school, I’ll need college to get a good job! Without college, I’ll be fucked up because I really don’t want to work as a stripper or waitress.
So the upcoming exams are really important and I’m like unable to study. My mind can’t focus. I’m going crazy.
All I can think about is my weight. I have a normal weight. Boobs, an ass and everything is so… Soft and flabby. My stomach is not flat and I can’t see my ribs or at least the hip bones. The fat is everywhere!
I’m being torn apart by two sides: the one that thinks the healthy way and wants to recover and the other one that only cares about the perfection I’m seeking for although I know it doesn’t exist because the eating disorder will never be satisfied.
Still I stay up at night when I’m alone in my bed and stare at every single inch of my body for hours to find new ugly details and pieces of myself.
Two days ago, I couldn’t sleep anymore, got up and I just went downstairs and ate the whole huge ice cream pack without thinking for a sec.
Afterwards, I blinked and suddenly realized what I had done and I felt so damn awful. Purging ice cream goes really fast, but I spent about an hour in the bathroom because I still felt like all the sugar and fat was still inside of me, fattening me, making me go bigger and bigger all the time.
I’ve never focused THAT much on how I look the way I do it now.
I can’t even show my no-makeup face to my mom who’s been knowing be for 16 years now. And I’ve never worn that much jewelry to make other people look at the accessories instead of me. My fingers are so fat, I’m wearing 4 rings on each hand now. My thighs touch. That’s so horrible.
I’m heavier than my best friend now. I know I shouldn’t compare to her, but I do it anyway and I’m 100% sure she’s so damn cheery because I’m fatter than her. I’m fatter than everyone. There’s one positive thing about the ED: it makes me look perfect. I can’t be, so at least I want to like like this.
Yes, it’s wrong. It’s gonna try to kill me again.
But I can’t resist this temptation, the silent voice in the back of my mind.
Today I hit my shin against my radiator until it turned blue and now I enjoy the pain I feel running through my veins.
By the way: my mom wants me to move out cuz the can’t stand me anymore.
I told you about the guy I betrayed my boyfriend with? He’s got all different kinds of drugs. I could just get some pills of the dangerous kind and overdose. By accident, of course. At it’d all be over…

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Worst feeling.

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I hope my tablet successfully uploaded the picture upon this sentence. This quote from The Vampire Diaries (season 4) reminds me of myself. That’s how I currently feel. I don’t know what happened to me. Right now I’m writing to keep myself busy until the time has passed I need to wait after dinner to purge. In my opinion, 15 minutes after a meal is perfect. And why am I doing this? The perfection I’m looking for doesn’t exist in this world and I know it, but I chase it anyway and I’d rather die than give up on this stupid delusional dream. There’s a hole inside of me that can’t be filled. Believe me, I tried to fill it with anything possible. People, food, feelings, self harm, devastation, music, hobbies, passions, disorders, recovery, alcohol, drugs, whatever. Right now I’m trying to fill it with sex although I already know it’s not gonna work. I just need something to keep me from completely going insane. I don’t wanna go back into a damn psychiatric or something. Nothing is cured in there.

Also, I don’t want a new year. The last few have already been so terrible, it’s only gonna get worse this time! 365 new days, but the same old shit. I spent Sylvester drunk and high all the time cuz I wouldn’t have been able to make it through otherwise. I tried it without any drugs the past two Sylvester nights, but I ended up in my bed with a lot of blades and blood. And self hatred. I will never do ‘real’ drugs like pills, shots and syringes again, but right now I feel like I need alcohol and weed sometimes (like twice a week) cuz it’s the only way for me to calm down. It makes me feel numb, fearless, careless, satisfied and free. Without the stuff, I’m always jittery, nervous and overthinking- and that gets too exhausting for me after some time.
I’m just trying to think positive about the new year, but I really can’t. It’s like I’m always only getting worse. When is this pain going to end? When it ends me? No matter how good I feel, a part of me is ALWAYS dead! I can’t remember myself without this rotting piece in my soul. But how can I kill this monster without killing myself?

During my last session before Christmas with my therapist, she asked me a question that keeps haunting me. “How do you imagine your perfect life?”
It took some time for me to answer. In a beautiful Victorian gothic house somewhere in my home state Wisconsin or another beautiful one like California or Louisiana, I answered. I’d have a young daughter, at least five dogs and a husband I would stay together with for the rest of my life- not because of the child, because of true, eternal love. We’d live in a small town to be able to have a huge garden and peace, but near a big city for shopping and whatever. I would have had graduated college (this tense is confusing) and now work with the FBI or something cool like that cuz that has ALWAYS been my dream job. Every Christmas , we’d fly to Germany and visit my sister there because I’m 100% sure she won’t want to come back to the United States. I’d be healthy, happy, and of course, still vegan and a goth girl like I’ve always been. And I would have a family. Finally.
I wish I had this life, but I actually don’t think I’ll ever make this dream come true. There is no cure, no eternal love and no great life for me out there.
We’re born alone and we die alone and what happens in between is only a illusion we create to feel like we belong somewhere and to someone, but we don’t. We all live our own life and it will always end up the same way:
Dead and alone, forever.
And I don’t think I can make it through at least 50 more years until then. No matter how damn hard I’ll try to stay strong. Right now I’m still trying, but I’m not sure for how long I’ll keep doing that…