Today, my new boyfriend and I had our first real fight about a topic he loves and I hate: drugs. Before we came together, we made a deal: the only drug he would be allowed to consume is weed and not more often than once per week and after some time he needs to get away from it, once per month. I made it clear that he would only get this ONE chance. If he’d break his promise, I’d break up with him. I swore myself to never have a junkie-relationship again. I will never ever sacrifice myself for someone else again- expect my sister because she means everything to me and I’d do anything for her. Well, you may already know what I’m telling you now… He broke the promise. Actually, he even smoked the shit for fucking three times this week. The thing I’m so upset about is actually not the fact that he did this- it’s the fact that he doesn’t regret it at all (yes, he told me that). Instead, he uses shabby excuses to minimize the… let’s call it incident I’m so NOT okay with. And that’s exactly what I told him. You wanna know his answer? We would have reached the point in a love attachment when one person tries to change the other one and he wouldn’t let me do that because he wouldn’t want to change for anyone. I mean, seriously? I made my point clear even before our relationship started! I told him he only had this one chance and I wouldn’t want him to stop doing drugs, I expected him to. That’s what I still claim him to do. No negotiations. Never ever.
Then I asked him if his weed means more to him than I do.
Of course he denied it and said he would love me SOO much, but I’m sorry for not being such an idiot to believe that. Seriously, this guy is driving me crazy. I WANT to help him because I know how this situation feels when you’re addicted to something that destroys you and you NEED help to get away from it, but just like I already said, I will not sacrifice myself for this task. I don’t want to change him. I want him to do something with his life. I want him to use his potential. If he doesn’t understand that, he needs to look for another girl to spend his time with. He said his own will and freedom to do whatever he wants to do with his life would mean more than anything to him, even more than I do. And of course I understand that. I think the same way. But drugs are not the own free will to create the life you want, drugs are shit that destroy your life. But he doesn’t even want to understand me.
We’ll talk again tomorrow, let’s see how it goes. I’m so disappointed with him. Maybe this first fight will already end our relationship, maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe the people are right and he’s not good for me. I have no idea.
I mean, actually I’m in love with someone else… But that’s something only two persons (girlfriends of mine) know… I’ve been in love with this man since the first time we met. I never believed in love at first sight until then. I just saw him… And immediately fell for him. He just said hello to me, his girlfriend by his side, and I looked into his blue eyes and seemed to lose myself. Of course, he didn’t notice, I’m a professional when it comes to hiding feelings. I met him in September 2014 and we didn’t meet again afterwards (we’re still in touch, not only via Facebook) and since then, I’ve been with so many others, but he just won’t get out of my head. At the beginning, I didn’t even notice it was love. I thought I’d just fancy him because he’s the personalized perfection in my eyes: tall, pale, blue eyes, black hair, longer than a short haircut, but doesn’t touch the shoulders, labret and nostril piercing, awesome tattoos, has a good job, musician during his leisure, listens to different kinds of gothic and metal music, dresses like a mix of a rocker, metal and gothic guy, has experienced a great loss, is in his early twenties, lives nearby. And he is dashing gorgeous and sexy.
I’ve never met a man so perfect, so I thought I’d just fancy him like all the teen girls do, but they usually have these types of feelings for celebrities. But the feelings are getting more and more intense all the time, so it has to be more. Because of my borderline syndrome I’m not so good with this stuff, but I think I know what being in love feels like. My heart seems to explode when I look at his profile picture and reading his messages makes me feel incredible. Thinking of a night with him, his touch, his kiss… Is driving me literally crazy. He is my perfection and the only face in my dreams. But because he’s my weakness, I’ll never be able to tell him about my feelings. He makes me feel weak, insecure and fragile and I can’t let him do that with me because I know I’ll never get this guy. He has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for such a long time and she’s been helping him get through a very hard period of time when I didn’t even know him yet. Also, she’s older, taller, cooler, prettier than me and has way more friends.
I mean, I’ve already pinched some girls boyfriends, but this time it’s different. She’s different. She is a bitch and one of those people you shouldn’t get in trouble with because she’s gonna try to tear you down. Since when am I so insecure and shy?? Usually I never regret anything, I’m impulsive, I just try things and don’t think about it and I risk a lot. Actually I’m a really brave person.
This time… It’s different because he makes me weak.
He is my weakness. And too good for me. I’ll never have him.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Because he’s an addicted and the drugs are way more important than I am and because I’ve been in love with another man for months now?
I guess so. This is so confusing. When the mental problems take a break, the teen problems are back. At least I don’t think about killing myself right now, I just think about purging my dinner. And I just decided to do that. That’s gonna relieve me and I’ll may be finally able to relax, at least for some minutes.