Free again bitches!

I spent a few days in a mental hospital again (for the sixth time), but this time they let me go after only three days. I’ve never had that much luck in psychiatries before. You can’t imagine how glad I am to be home again. It’s so awful in there, like jail for crazy people. My psychologist sent me there because I was very suicidal again and planned on killing myself again. But for the very first time in my entire life, I was the one who told the truth that I want to do it and need to be protected from myself. I’ve never been ‘the voluntary one’ in there before. Strange feeling. But I’m very proud of myself for being able to speak up when I needed help because it has always been difficult for me to seek for help and especially appreciate it. But this time I did it and now I’m still alive and I definitely don’t regret that.
Nobody wants to die, we all just want to kill the pain and I’ll try to do that without harming myself. Let’s give it my best shot. I’ll make it, somehow. The extreme ups and downs when it comes to my mood are very exhausting and complicated and I know it’s because of this fucking borderline syndrome that turns feelings into a thunderstorm of confusing shit, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always let this shit control me. I’ll find a way to deal with this because I’ve survived way too much to die now from these stupid disorders. I was able to say that I need help, I got the help, was protected and now I’m better and I’m able to take care of myself again which is why I’m already at home.
Now it’s my task to take the next step that leads me to the healthy life I’ve always wanted and never had- but I will reach it. Because I’ll keep going and stay fucking strong. I’ll show my dead best friend that suicide is never the answer and you can also find happiness in another way. I’ll show her that it’s possible to live and not just survive. There will be a lot of relapses and now I’m finally able to accept them, but I won’t let them tear me down again. I’ll make it through. I had so much time and boredom in the funny farm, so I also decided to invent some new rules. I call them the ‘top ten rules for recovery’ and I’d like to share them with you. Maybe it’s an inspiration for other crazy guys out there who want to be happy one day and are willing to fight for it. We never chose our disorders, but we can choose recovery if we keep believing in ourselves.

1: stay strong
(example: don’t harm yourself in any way)
2: keep going
(don’t give up)
3: allow relapses
(they are part of recovery)
4: use skills
(don’t let disorders control you)
5: spend time with the loved ones
6: accept and appreciate help
(sometimes you need it)
7: eat healthy
(do not starve, binge or purge)
8: focus on goals and take the necessary steps to reach them
(in my case: graduate high school to be able to go to college)
9: accept limits
(there are rules and you can’t do anything)
10: value your whole self: personality, character and body

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