Fading

That’s how I feel. Seriously. I feel like I’m fading away, losing myself bit by bit. I’m standing in the middle of nowhere, a wide field, and the wind is blowing and takes away piece by piece of me. My body, my personality, my soul, my emotions. Everything is slowly being ripped apart until there’s nothing left of me. The storm is getting stronger and darker and I can’t see anything anymore, not even my own hand.
It’s like I’m a fragile flower in a thunderstorm. No matter how hard I try to stay, the elements will always be cruel and stronger than me.

She’s lost in the darkness, fading away
I’m still around here, screaming her name
She’s haunting my dream world, trying to survive
My heart is frozen, I’m losing my mind
Help me, I’m buried alive

Can someone just come to me and teach me how to live?
Because I have no idea how to handle this shit and whoever I ask, I never get an answer. Well, I get answers, but they are stupid. How can people just live without thinking about what they’re doing? How are they actually able to do that? Just get through every single day, only focusing on the own stuff, loving themselves and the people around them? How can they make it without completely falling apart? Without feeling any of the bad shit that’s going on in our world? Because whenever I try to get it out the door to keep it away from me, I don’t feel anything at all anymore.
Then all the feelings disappear and it’s like I’m dead. Even worse, it’s like I’m buried alive. I wanna live, not just survive, but how am I supposed to do that? I tried it in a million different ways, but it never works.
Reality sucks. And humanity anyway. And unfortunately I’m not one of those guys who can just ignore what’s going on outside. I don’t feel like it’s my fault, I know it’s not, but I see how awful it is and that I can’t change it. I mean, what should I be happy about?
There’s nothing to be celebrated!
A boyfriend with whom the relationship will end anyway sooner or later because that’s what all love attachments do? A father who hates me? A mother who doesn’t like me the way I am? A best friend who always forgets me? A society who thinks I’m completely out of my mind? Wow, sounds great. I don’t see a reason for recovery or happiness. Nothing is getting better, actually it’s even getting worse all the time. Nothing has changed. The people, society, the world, my life, my thoughts, reality, it’s still the same shit, so why recover? It’s all fucked up and there’s no savior who’s going to come down to save us one day. Never.

I always knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I never thought it would be that hard.
Why is this happening? All of this? There’s no one to answer my questions because nobody knows. People always think I’m so strong and arrogant and have more self-confidence than any Hollywood celeb. But that’s just my masquerade. We’re all lost in here and I’m in the worst state. I just can’t do this anymore. No matter how good I feel, the pain is with me all the time. No matter how close recovery is, the next relapse is always waiting to bring me down again. It will never end, so I need to end it.
I don’t have a choice. This is tearing me apart, I’m dying inside.

I don’t care if your world is ending today
Because I wasn’t invited to it anyway!

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