New relationship, new chance- for both of us.

Yay, I’m in a new relationship! Since like… Two or three days? Or something? I’m not so good with dates. So, I told you I had betrayed my boyfriend four times during our relationship- always with the same guy. In the end I realized this relationship didn’t make any sense anymore. I preferred having sex with another guy, I thought he looked, smelled, sounded and did it so much better and yes, I had feelings for this guy- but no feelings for my boyfriend. He was just the man who seemed to love me and made me feel safe and of course, also loved. But because I thought he’d be so nice and true and honest and whatever, I didn’t want to use him anymore, so I broke up and got together with the other man I have feelings for. Both are in their twenties, by the way, and the new one looks much better than the old one. And no, I don’t love him neither because I’ve never loved anyone expect my sister, but I do have feelings for him. And when it comes to me and my world of feelings, that’s already really, really much cuz I mostly don’t give a shit about people. I only really care about my best friends and of course, half of my family. The nice half. I made the breakup as short and painless as possible (2 minutes and didn’t tell him about my new love) and was friendly, sorry and polite. We hugged when we said goodbye and I thought it’d be over, but it wasn’t. Some people say you only see a person’s real personality when you call it off. I never experienced that in a love attachment- not until yesterday. On my way home, my new ex wrote me some nice messages. Things like: slut, awful whore/prostitute, piece of shit, unfaithful, unregenerate and unthankful bitch and you know, that sort of stuff. So damn dull, intellectually undemanding and mediocre. I had honestly never thought that low of him before. That was sort of… Disappointing. Realizing I had wasted two precious months of my life with such a person. Still I’m glad I was friendly because that shows I still have some manners. He doesn’t. Whatever, I never had real feelings for him anyway, so I actually don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just mad at myself because I didn’t get it earlier. I mean, such an asshole… He was always so sweet! Well, let’s move on.
I have a new boyfriend now. Actually the first guy I had sex with for more than just once and now, he’s also the very first one I can sleep with without any drugs and alcohol. Isn’t that cool? I thought that was never gonna happen. Of course, I’m still not over the abuse, I don’t think I’ll ever really will, but I moved on!! I don’t really know how that happened, it just… Worked. Suddenly. But isn’t that great? One step closer to a ‘normal’ life. The only problem is the fact that he is doing drugs. I also did drugs for some months once, but I stopped it a long time ago. I’ve also already been in a relationship with an addicted before, but it didn’t end up that well. If you wanna know the truth- he was the one who raped me. That’s why I never wanted an addicted ever again. I’m giving my new love one chance because I know he’s not doing hardcore drugs and he hasn’t been doing it for a long time yet which is why I think there is a chance for him to get away from this shit. I told you about my… Let’s call it bloopers. Or is this word too nice? Slip-ups. Three slip-ups when I did drugs again. But that’s already weeks ago now and I never felt the urge to do it again. It was stupid and it’s never ever gonna happen again. That’s my promise to myself, my mom, my future and my ex. My bf swore me to never take any pills again and I won’t let him smoke weed for more than twice per month. That’s enough. If he won’t follow the rules, I’ll break up because I can’t go through another junkie-relationship. And I don’t want do. I’m nobody’s idiot.
But everyone deserves a chance and this is his. I hope he’ll use it. He has so much potential and intelligence, I don’t want him to throw it all away for this fuckin stupid shit. I hope my plan is going to work. Wish me luck.
At least I don’t need to fear getting hurt. You can’t break a girl who’s always been broken- you can’t even hurt her, darling. No one will ever break me. I’m like a diamond, but made of pain.

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