The holidays are over now and they were actually much better than I had expected. Of course I also had a lot of breakdowns, but I was doing fine most of the time meeting new and old friends, going shopping, partying and having fun. Tomorrow I’ll gotta go to school again and I’m so scared of the upcoming exams in chemistry and physics because I suck at these two subjects. I have to pass the tests. I already failed one school year which is why I’m grade 9 now instead of 10 and I don’t wanna repeat another school year. Also, I’ll apply for the next school with my 9th grade skills because I’m going to a German school where you only spend 10 school years and then you have a graduation, but can’t study. So I need to graduate 12th grade to be able to go to a university. And when I’ll go back to the United States after school, I’ll need college to get a good job! Without college, I’ll be fucked up because I really don’t want to work as a stripper or waitress.
So the upcoming exams are really important and I’m like unable to study. My mind can’t focus. I’m going crazy.
All I can think about is my weight. I have a normal weight. Boobs, an ass and everything is so… Soft and flabby. My stomach is not flat and I can’t see my ribs or at least the hip bones. The fat is everywhere!
I’m being torn apart by two sides: the one that thinks the healthy way and wants to recover and the other one that only cares about the perfection I’m seeking for although I know it doesn’t exist because the eating disorder will never be satisfied.
Still I stay up at night when I’m alone in my bed and stare at every single inch of my body for hours to find new ugly details and pieces of myself.
Two days ago, I couldn’t sleep anymore, got up and I just went downstairs and ate the whole huge ice cream pack without thinking for a sec.
Afterwards, I blinked and suddenly realized what I had done and I felt so damn awful. Purging ice cream goes really fast, but I spent about an hour in the bathroom because I still felt like all the sugar and fat was still inside of me, fattening me, making me go bigger and bigger all the time.
I’ve never focused THAT much on how I look the way I do it now.
I can’t even show my no-makeup face to my mom who’s been knowing be for 16 years now. And I’ve never worn that much jewelry to make other people look at the accessories instead of me. My fingers are so fat, I’m wearing 4 rings on each hand now. My thighs touch. That’s so horrible.
I’m heavier than my best friend now. I know I shouldn’t compare to her, but I do it anyway and I’m 100% sure she’s so damn cheery because I’m fatter than her. I’m fatter than everyone. There’s one positive thing about the ED: it makes me look perfect. I can’t be, so at least I want to like like this.
Yes, it’s wrong. It’s gonna try to kill me again.
But I can’t resist this temptation, the silent voice in the back of my mind.
Today I hit my shin against my radiator until it turned blue and now I enjoy the pain I feel running through my veins.
By the way: my mom wants me to move out cuz the can’t stand me anymore.
I told you about the guy I betrayed my boyfriend with? He’s got all different kinds of drugs. I could just get some pills of the dangerous kind and overdose. By accident, of course. At it’d all be over…

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4 thoughts on “Stressed, depressed, but well dressed.

  1. You need to talk to someone who understands your problems, because they are only going to get more problematic as you get older especially if you aren’t dealing with them well. Speaking from experience, I know how you feel. Remember you are awesome how you are. There are plenty of people to talk to, your GP or talk to your school tutor, an adult you feel comfortable around, it might be scary but I promise they can help you. xx

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    • Thanks 🙂 You know… The thing is: I talked to dozens of people. I have a social pedagogue at my school and one at my local youth welfare office, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, was taken away from my home for some months and I spent a lot of time in hospitals and psychiatries. Right now I’m not in danger of dying, but no path to recovery has shown up yet, no matter how hard I tried. I’ll keep going, but I doubt I’ll be ‘cured’ one day.

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  2. It’s hard to hear young people with such distress because I’ve been in a similar way before and know how hard it is and that you probably think you’ll never be happy. You can get better though, you need to keep your chin up and just remember that you, yourself are very important and you need to look after yourself before anything else! I’m sure you have heard this all before, but keep going. Think of your own potential and what you could be; there is also support everywhere, even here, from me if you need it! 🙂 x

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    • Aww I read this like a dozen times before answering because it’s so sweet… Thank you so much. I’d love to chat with you via e-mail, how about writing me one? I’m sure we could support each other. It always helps me to talk to people who have similar experiences.

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