Insanity

Sane is something I will never be
Scarred to the core
Battling the devil that lives inside of me
But bleeding out the pain is how
I clearly see
Silence, secrets
Things I can’t openly say
Or I’m labeled psychotic
In a padded room
Wondering how I let it get this way
Laying here where they left me corrupted
So mentally fucked up
Cold sharp tears
That are replaced with blood
Trapped in my own mind
Banging on the edge
To be set free
But it’s apparent
Nobody’s worried about me
And I was left to bleed
Mentally, physically and internally…

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First fight, yay!

Today, my new boyfriend and I had our first real fight about a topic he loves and I hate: drugs. Before we came together, we made a deal: the only drug he would be allowed to consume is weed and not more often than once per week and after some time he needs to get away from it, once per month. I made it clear that he would only get this ONE chance. If he’d break his promise, I’d break up with him. I swore myself to never have a junkie-relationship again. I will never ever sacrifice myself for someone else again- expect my sister because she means everything to me and I’d do anything for her. Well, you may already know what I’m telling you now… He broke the promise. Actually, he even smoked the shit for fucking three times this week. The thing I’m so upset about is actually not the fact that he did this- it’s the fact that he doesn’t regret it at all (yes, he told me that). Instead, he uses shabby excuses to minimize the… let’s call it incident I’m so NOT okay with. And that’s exactly what I told him. You wanna know his answer? We would have reached the point in a love attachment when one person tries to change the other one and he wouldn’t let me do that because he wouldn’t want to change for anyone. I mean, seriously? I made my point clear even before our relationship started! I told him he only had this one chance and I wouldn’t want him to stop doing drugs, I expected him to. That’s what I still claim him to do. No negotiations. Never ever.
Then I asked him if his weed means more to him than I do.
Of course he denied it and said he would love me SOO much, but I’m sorry for not being such an idiot to believe that. Seriously, this guy is driving me crazy. I WANT to help him because I know how this situation feels when you’re addicted to something that destroys you and you NEED help to get away from it, but just like I already said, I will not sacrifice myself for this task. I don’t want to change him. I want him to do something with his life. I want him to use his potential. If he doesn’t understand that, he needs to look for another girl to spend his time with. He said his own will and freedom to do whatever he wants to do with his life would mean more than anything to him, even more than I do. And of course I understand that. I think the same way. But drugs are not the own free will to create the life you want, drugs are shit that destroy your life. But he doesn’t even want to understand me.
We’ll talk again tomorrow, let’s see how it goes. I’m so disappointed with him. Maybe this first fight will already end our relationship, maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe the people are right and he’s not good for me. I have no idea.

I mean, actually I’m in love with someone else… But that’s something only two persons (girlfriends of mine) know… I’ve been in love with this man since the first time we met. I never believed in love at first sight until then. I just saw him… And immediately fell for him. He just said hello to me, his girlfriend by his side, and I looked into his blue eyes and seemed to lose myself. Of course, he didn’t notice, I’m a professional when it comes to hiding feelings. I met him in September 2014 and we didn’t meet again afterwards (we’re still in touch, not only via Facebook) and since then, I’ve been with so many others, but he just won’t get out of my head. At the beginning, I didn’t even notice it was love. I thought I’d just fancy him because he’s the personalized perfection in my eyes: tall, pale, blue eyes, black hair, longer than a short haircut, but doesn’t touch the shoulders, labret and nostril piercing, awesome tattoos, has a good job, musician during his leisure, listens to different kinds of gothic and metal music, dresses like a mix of a rocker, metal and gothic guy, has experienced a great loss, is in his early twenties, lives nearby. And he is dashing gorgeous and sexy.
I’ve never met a man so perfect, so I thought I’d just fancy him like all the teen girls do, but they usually have these types of feelings for celebrities. But the feelings are getting more and more intense all the time, so it has to be more. Because of my borderline syndrome I’m not so good with this stuff, but I think I know what being in love feels like. My heart seems to explode when I look at his profile picture and reading his messages makes me feel incredible. Thinking of a night with him, his touch, his kiss… Is driving me literally crazy. He is my perfection and the only face in my dreams. But because he’s my weakness, I’ll never be able to tell him about my feelings. He makes me feel weak, insecure and fragile and I can’t let him do that with me because I know I’ll never get this guy. He has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for such a long time and she’s been helping him get through a very hard period of time when I didn’t even know him yet. Also, she’s older, taller, cooler, prettier than me and has way more friends.
I mean, I’ve already pinched some girls boyfriends, but this time it’s different. She’s different. She is a bitch and one of those people you shouldn’t get in trouble with because she’s gonna try to tear you down. Since when am I so insecure and shy?? Usually I never regret anything, I’m impulsive, I just try things and don’t think about it and I risk a lot. Actually I’m a really brave person.
This time… It’s different because he makes me weak.
He is my weakness. And too good for me. I’ll never have him.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Because he’s an addicted and the drugs are way more important than I am and because I’ve been in love with another man for months now?
I guess so. This is so confusing. When the mental problems take a break, the teen problems are back. At least I don’t think about killing myself right now, I just think about purging my dinner. And I just decided to do that. That’s gonna relieve me and I’ll may be finally able to relax, at least for some minutes.

Free again bitches!

I spent a few days in a mental hospital again (for the sixth time), but this time they let me go after only three days. I’ve never had that much luck in psychiatries before. You can’t imagine how glad I am to be home again. It’s so awful in there, like jail for crazy people. My psychologist sent me there because I was very suicidal again and planned on killing myself again. But for the very first time in my entire life, I was the one who told the truth that I want to do it and need to be protected from myself. I’ve never been ‘the voluntary one’ in there before. Strange feeling. But I’m very proud of myself for being able to speak up when I needed help because it has always been difficult for me to seek for help and especially appreciate it. But this time I did it and now I’m still alive and I definitely don’t regret that.
Nobody wants to die, we all just want to kill the pain and I’ll try to do that without harming myself. Let’s give it my best shot. I’ll make it, somehow. The extreme ups and downs when it comes to my mood are very exhausting and complicated and I know it’s because of this fucking borderline syndrome that turns feelings into a thunderstorm of confusing shit, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always let this shit control me. I’ll find a way to deal with this because I’ve survived way too much to die now from these stupid disorders. I was able to say that I need help, I got the help, was protected and now I’m better and I’m able to take care of myself again which is why I’m already at home.
Now it’s my task to take the next step that leads me to the healthy life I’ve always wanted and never had- but I will reach it. Because I’ll keep going and stay fucking strong. I’ll show my dead best friend that suicide is never the answer and you can also find happiness in another way. I’ll show her that it’s possible to live and not just survive. There will be a lot of relapses and now I’m finally able to accept them, but I won’t let them tear me down again. I’ll make it through. I had so much time and boredom in the funny farm, so I also decided to invent some new rules. I call them the ‘top ten rules for recovery’ and I’d like to share them with you. Maybe it’s an inspiration for other crazy guys out there who want to be happy one day and are willing to fight for it. We never chose our disorders, but we can choose recovery if we keep believing in ourselves.

1: stay strong
(example: don’t harm yourself in any way)
2: keep going
(don’t give up)
3: allow relapses
(they are part of recovery)
4: use skills
(don’t let disorders control you)
5: spend time with the loved ones
6: accept and appreciate help
(sometimes you need it)
7: eat healthy
(do not starve, binge or purge)
8: focus on goals and take the necessary steps to reach them
(in my case: graduate high school to be able to go to college)
9: accept limits
(there are rules and you can’t do anything)
10: value your whole self: personality, character and body

Fading

That’s how I feel. Seriously. I feel like I’m fading away, losing myself bit by bit. I’m standing in the middle of nowhere, a wide field, and the wind is blowing and takes away piece by piece of me. My body, my personality, my soul, my emotions. Everything is slowly being ripped apart until there’s nothing left of me. The storm is getting stronger and darker and I can’t see anything anymore, not even my own hand.
It’s like I’m a fragile flower in a thunderstorm. No matter how hard I try to stay, the elements will always be cruel and stronger than me.

She’s lost in the darkness, fading away
I’m still around here, screaming her name
She’s haunting my dream world, trying to survive
My heart is frozen, I’m losing my mind
Help me, I’m buried alive

Can someone just come to me and teach me how to live?
Because I have no idea how to handle this shit and whoever I ask, I never get an answer. Well, I get answers, but they are stupid. How can people just live without thinking about what they’re doing? How are they actually able to do that? Just get through every single day, only focusing on the own stuff, loving themselves and the people around them? How can they make it without completely falling apart? Without feeling any of the bad shit that’s going on in our world? Because whenever I try to get it out the door to keep it away from me, I don’t feel anything at all anymore.
Then all the feelings disappear and it’s like I’m dead. Even worse, it’s like I’m buried alive. I wanna live, not just survive, but how am I supposed to do that? I tried it in a million different ways, but it never works.
Reality sucks. And humanity anyway. And unfortunately I’m not one of those guys who can just ignore what’s going on outside. I don’t feel like it’s my fault, I know it’s not, but I see how awful it is and that I can’t change it. I mean, what should I be happy about?
There’s nothing to be celebrated!
A boyfriend with whom the relationship will end anyway sooner or later because that’s what all love attachments do? A father who hates me? A mother who doesn’t like me the way I am? A best friend who always forgets me? A society who thinks I’m completely out of my mind? Wow, sounds great. I don’t see a reason for recovery or happiness. Nothing is getting better, actually it’s even getting worse all the time. Nothing has changed. The people, society, the world, my life, my thoughts, reality, it’s still the same shit, so why recover? It’s all fucked up and there’s no savior who’s going to come down to save us one day. Never.

I always knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I never thought it would be that hard.
Why is this happening? All of this? There’s no one to answer my questions because nobody knows. People always think I’m so strong and arrogant and have more self-confidence than any Hollywood celeb. But that’s just my masquerade. We’re all lost in here and I’m in the worst state. I just can’t do this anymore. No matter how good I feel, the pain is with me all the time. No matter how close recovery is, the next relapse is always waiting to bring me down again. It will never end, so I need to end it.
I don’t have a choice. This is tearing me apart, I’m dying inside.

I don’t care if your world is ending today
Because I wasn’t invited to it anyway!

Hey dad

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I’m writing to you
Not to tell you that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart

Are you happy out there in this great big world?
Do you think about your kids?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re alright?
We’re alright

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay, but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive

The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate, I was so angry
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body
These things I’ll take to my grave
But I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay, but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive

~ original version by Good Charlotte

Fear

I am so fucking scared and don’t have a damn idea why.
I haven’t had these panic attacks since fall and now they’re back and I have no idea what to do. Right now I’m laying in the bathtub, trying to study while I’m relaxing, but I can’t do at least one of those things. My body is hot and cold, jittery and nervous and my mind is killing me. Maybe it’s because of the important exam tomorrow. Maybe it’s because I think I’ll fail, again.
I’m such a failure. So what am I gonna do? I’ll fail it because I don’t get anything that’s got to do something with calculating cuz I just can’t deal with numbers. There will be bad grades, again. I can only go back to the United States if I’ll study and good universities don’t want any losers.
There’s no way for me to keep going. Nothing ever works in my life.
I’ve been struggling for so many years now although I’m only sixteen years old and my life never was and never will be the way I want it. The way it’s being shown in Hollywood movies. The way it works in normal people’s lives. School, college, graduation, job, marriage, kids. Some heartbreaks, some breakdowns, the parents will die one day. That’s life- a normal life.
But normality will never ever exist in this dark hole I’m stuck in.
Gosh, it hurts so much. There’s this pain and it’s with me all the time, no matter what I do or how good I feel. A part of me stays dead and right now it’s taking over the rest of me. Why is it so hard for me to live? Why can’t the scars on my skin just fade away?
It’s not that I feel sorry for myself or something like that, I just don’t get the reasons why this is happening. Why I deserve this.
Maybe winning this fight means giving up. Maybe we’re all better off this way. I get new pills every month and every time I keep some of them in my closet in a small box. The leaflet says how much you need to surely die and I’ll have enough little pills soon. It’s my backup plan if everything is going to break down again and it makes me feel safe to know I still have this option waiting to be fulfilled in the back of my mind. A deadly plan.

Because right now I’m scared of life, scared of the future, of what’s going to happen. I don’t want to keep going, don’t wanna stay strong and struggle every day all over again. I can’t do this anymore, it hurts so much.
But I can’t take another break, can’t spent another month or even a whole year in a hospital or psychiatric. There are two possibilities: keep fighting for nothing but a stupid dream that may never come true or just… Give up on everything. I already tried it twice and it almost worked, so I have enough experience to make it this time. I don’t know what else to do. The only place where I feel safe and happy and loved is in the hospitals, but I can’t stay there forever. I’d rather die than spend my whole life in a madhouse or funny farm. There’s no cure for the pain and no savior for me because in the end, the only one who can save you IS YOU. And I can’t. I tried, I really did, but I’m empty. Invalidated. Exhausted. All I wanna do is cry, but I can’t. I’m too cold. Please, keep me from falling apart. I’m gonna catch a cold from the ice inside my soul. Every breath feels like dying.

“No eternity, no hope for me and you
We close our eyes and we’re fading away”

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New relationship, new chance- for both of us.

Yay, I’m in a new relationship! Since like… Two or three days? Or something? I’m not so good with dates. So, I told you I had betrayed my boyfriend four times during our relationship- always with the same guy. In the end I realized this relationship didn’t make any sense anymore. I preferred having sex with another guy, I thought he looked, smelled, sounded and did it so much better and yes, I had feelings for this guy- but no feelings for my boyfriend. He was just the man who seemed to love me and made me feel safe and of course, also loved. But because I thought he’d be so nice and true and honest and whatever, I didn’t want to use him anymore, so I broke up and got together with the other man I have feelings for. Both are in their twenties, by the way, and the new one looks much better than the old one. And no, I don’t love him neither because I’ve never loved anyone expect my sister, but I do have feelings for him. And when it comes to me and my world of feelings, that’s already really, really much cuz I mostly don’t give a shit about people. I only really care about my best friends and of course, half of my family. The nice half. I made the breakup as short and painless as possible (2 minutes and didn’t tell him about my new love) and was friendly, sorry and polite. We hugged when we said goodbye and I thought it’d be over, but it wasn’t. Some people say you only see a person’s real personality when you call it off. I never experienced that in a love attachment- not until yesterday. On my way home, my new ex wrote me some nice messages. Things like: slut, awful whore/prostitute, piece of shit, unfaithful, unregenerate and unthankful bitch and you know, that sort of stuff. So damn dull, intellectually undemanding and mediocre. I had honestly never thought that low of him before. That was sort of… Disappointing. Realizing I had wasted two precious months of my life with such a person. Still I’m glad I was friendly because that shows I still have some manners. He doesn’t. Whatever, I never had real feelings for him anyway, so I actually don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just mad at myself because I didn’t get it earlier. I mean, such an asshole… He was always so sweet! Well, let’s move on.
I have a new boyfriend now. Actually the first guy I had sex with for more than just once and now, he’s also the very first one I can sleep with without any drugs and alcohol. Isn’t that cool? I thought that was never gonna happen. Of course, I’m still not over the abuse, I don’t think I’ll ever really will, but I moved on!! I don’t really know how that happened, it just… Worked. Suddenly. But isn’t that great? One step closer to a ‘normal’ life. The only problem is the fact that he is doing drugs. I also did drugs for some months once, but I stopped it a long time ago. I’ve also already been in a relationship with an addicted before, but it didn’t end up that well. If you wanna know the truth- he was the one who raped me. That’s why I never wanted an addicted ever again. I’m giving my new love one chance because I know he’s not doing hardcore drugs and he hasn’t been doing it for a long time yet which is why I think there is a chance for him to get away from this shit. I told you about my… Let’s call it bloopers. Or is this word too nice? Slip-ups. Three slip-ups when I did drugs again. But that’s already weeks ago now and I never felt the urge to do it again. It was stupid and it’s never ever gonna happen again. That’s my promise to myself, my mom, my future and my ex. My bf swore me to never take any pills again and I won’t let him smoke weed for more than twice per month. That’s enough. If he won’t follow the rules, I’ll break up because I can’t go through another junkie-relationship. And I don’t want do. I’m nobody’s idiot.
But everyone deserves a chance and this is his. I hope he’ll use it. He has so much potential and intelligence, I don’t want him to throw it all away for this fuckin stupid shit. I hope my plan is going to work. Wish me luck.
At least I don’t need to fear getting hurt. You can’t break a girl who’s always been broken- you can’t even hurt her, darling. No one will ever break me. I’m like a diamond, but made of pain.

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