Grief is back

It just happened. I sat there and read a book (Wintergirls) and suddenly I started to slip away. I had tears in my eyes and I didn’t know why. Then I realized it. I felt this pain again. I don’t know anything worse than losing a person you love, there’s no pain compared to it. Fuck every single trauma and disorder and whatever, loss is so much worse. It’s taking my breath away because it hurts like hell. How can I describe this feeling? There’s an invisible hand pulling me down to the bottom and it slits through my skin and grabs my heart, but doesn’t rip it out of my chest. The hand keeps holding my still beating heart and slowly squashes it. And whenever it notices that I’m dying, it lets go and waits until I’ve gotten better and then… Repeats the torture. Again and again.

People told me time would heal these wounds, but why do they still hurt the way they did when it happened? Nothing has healed! My therapist said it would be because of all my disorders and I’d have to recover first. But will I ever recover? I can’t do this without you! Where are you and why did you go somewhere I can’t bring you back? Why? I’m not mad at you, I never was. I’m hurting and more disappointed and sad than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Not to blame you for all this, but yes, you made my mental condition get much worse. You fucking pinky promised me you would never ever do that without me! You said you’d never leave me. Was it so easy to break the most important promise we both had ever made? I tried to stay strong and believe me, it’s been a though time. But we could have done this. Together. I trusted you with my heart and my soul and EVERYTHING. You said you didn’t have anyone, but what about me? Am I no one? Did you just erase me from your life? You know, sometimes it still feels so unrealistic. After many months of staying away, I went back to our favorite place some weeks ago. Nothing had changed there. But everything had changed inside of me. And I sat there and I actually expected you to come around with your cute smile and adorable eyes, just like you always did. I expected you to sit down next to me and give me a hug and then tell me about your day while you were drinking another coffee. And then you had one of your sudden emotional blow-ups that never had a real reason and we talked for hours until you were able to calm down again. We always catched each other when one of us fell. I had never had a friendship like the one we had before and I never experienced it afterwards. I don’t think I ever will. At the beginning, I dreamt of you almost every night, but even the dreams have stopped. You’re completely gone.

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Sometimes, I still see your silhouette in the middle of a crowded place and then I don’t know if I should smile or cry. The worst thing is the fact that nobody can replace a dead person. No one is like you. Some tried to comfort me with fine words, but it didn’t work because I always knew they were lying. Believe me, I tried to find someone to replace you in my heart, but it’s impossible! It’s crazy that you only actually value someone when they’re dead. It’s always so normal, natural and taken for granted that this person is there. And when they’re gone, you suddenly start to realize that’s an illusion. Life can be so imperishable and sometimes so fragile. It may be able to survive the worst wars or it fades away when you don’t see the small car coming from the other side. Your mom said we all should have seen it coming it because you had always been so sick. Is that true? Should I’ve known you were gonna die? I didn’t because I believed in your strength. Obviously, I was wrong. I can’t get you back. The day you slipped away was the day that I found it won’t be the same… I don’t believe in heaven and hell, so I don’t have a clue where you are right now. All I can do is hope you’re doing fine there and you’ll have an eye on me and maybe, we’ll meet again some day. Maybe very soon, maybe in a 100 years, who knows.

🚬🔫

I heard somebody is not dead as long as you keep them in your heart and eternally love and remember them. The love makes them stay alive, inside of you. Where is this love? All I feel is the pain. And it won’t go away. Damn, I wish you were here. I need you. You’re the good in my life and without it, there’s an awful lot of darkness. You’re so far away from me and it’s so sad that I can’t even remember the sound of your voice anymore. Part of me wishes I could erase every memory I have of you because I don’t want to face reality. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t. I still remember the first time we met and talked and still see you right here, next to me. It’s a pain that never fades away. There’s nothing else left. Moving on is so fucking hard after everything that happened. My whole world is so fucked up. Completely. I need to feel your presence, need to know you’re here.

But you’re not.

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3 thoughts on “Grief is back

  1. I lost my best friend to suicide many years ago. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.. Pretty much all of the things people say to someone who’s suffered a tragic and profound loss is useless. What can one say though, to something there really are no words for? I know that in my case I didn’t tell many people, but the ones I did tell cared – I knew that much. They just didn’t know what to do. Frankly, there was nothing they could do. There was no “fixing” it.

    You do learn to live with it, though. I guess you first learn to cope, then at some point you catch yourself actually living again. I don’t know when exactly that happened for me, but in my case, it was at least a few years. I tried to fill that hole with so many things, mainly people that were bad for me. I was pretty bad for them too, I guess. Anyway… I felt the need to reply and tell you that no, it won’t heal over time. You end up with some pretty nasty scars on your heart from it all. I will give you one piece of advice, though. Don’t keep others out forever. If you’re anything like me, getting that close to someone again is enough to bring on a panic attack just thinking about it. There’s a time and place for that, I think.. Just don’t let yourself get stuck there. I’m sorry you’re going through this.. I wish I knew what to say.. It’s that whole no words for it thing. From one person who’s lived through it to another, though – you’ll get through it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You wish you knew what to say? Don’t say that, you definitely know what you say. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment. It’s such a great feeling to know there are people who understand me and won’t tell me nice lies to make me feel better. I’m the one who doesn’t know what to say… Thank you. So much. Hearing you somehow made it through gives me hope.

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      • Skimming through your blog it seems like you’ve been through a lot. You don’t mention your age, but I’m going to guess that you’re younger than I am. I’ve been through a lot too. I can write a little about it later when i have more time, but realize your own resilience. I wrote about my own struggles with depression after having gone through counseling for the trauma and PTSD here – http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-848934, of you care to read. Please take care. I’ll write later.

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